Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I Can Haz Epiphany?

serpizard, adam, eve, genesis, evil, god, bible, christian,

If you ask Christians why there is evil and suffering and disease in this world, the answer you will get is that we humans brought this upon ourselves. Well, not us, but the original two humans, Adam and Eve. Which is like me spending life in prison because my great-grandfather murdered someone. Eve just had to eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil*, and like Pandora and her box, released death and suffering and evil and disease into our world.

I've read the Bible in at least a dozen translations. I own seven translations. There is no translation of the Bible I am aware of in which Eve simply walks up to the Tree, grabs the fruit and om nom nom. She is always talked into eating the fruit of the Tree by the serpent, which has legs, and yet is not a lizard. Yeah. Anyway:

1Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

2And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

3But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

4And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

5For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

6And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

So, if Adam and Eve brought evil into the world by eating of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, what was up with the serpizard (lizent? I prefer serpizard personally)? He wasn't evil? Seems pretty evil to me. Why did god make the serpizard evil if he didn't want evil in the world? How did god not know exactly what the serpizard would do? Even if god had to, for reasons I can't quite imagine, make an evil serpizard, why not warn Adam and Eve not to listen to talking animals?

"Oh, yeah, before I go, if any of these animals talk to you, don't listen. They're all liars." That's all it would have taken. You know, if you absolutely must create both an evil serpizard and a Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, at least warn people about both instead of just one.

So the next time someone tells you that the evil in the world was caused by Adam and Eve, ask them about the serpizard.

*I really enjoy the baroque results of translating languages that translate poorly into English.


  1. "Lest ye die. Or not. Whatever. J/K."

  2. One of my favorite questions to ask Christians:

    Since God is omniscient, why did he create Satan? The answers usually boil down to the ever-popular: we mere humans can't understand the glory of God, and it's presumptuous to even try.

  3. Well, god created satan because - LOOK OVER THERE!!

  4. Or the slightly longer version: God created Satan, not evil, but as an angel with freewill. Satan rebelled, and tempted Eve to rebel too.

    But since God is omniscient and knew that Satan and Eve would rebel, and since He is omnipotent and thus created Satan and Eve in just such a way that they would rebel, then- LOOK OVER THERE!!

  5. Who says the serpent is evil? He tells Eve that god lied, she won't die, she'll become as god and know good from evil. She believes him, and eats it.

    And she doesn't die, so obviously the serpent is right, and she now knows good from evil. Knowing this, she doesn't say "Oh shit, I fucked up," she tells somebody else to eat it.

    Since at the time she told him she was as a god and knew good from evil, then it must have been the right thing to do.
    The only evil one in this story is god, who lies and throws fits when he gets caught.

  6. Oh, by the way: Laurie Anderson knows that snakes have legs. From "Langue d'Amour":

    Let's see. Uh, it was on an island. And there was a snake.
    And this snake had legs. And he could walk all around the island.
    Yes. That's true. A snake with legs.
    And the man and the woman were on the island too.
    And they were not very smart.
    But they were happy as clams. Yes.
    Let's see. Uh... then one evening the snake was walking about
    in the garden and he was talking to himself and he saw the woman
    and they started to talk. And they became friends.
    Very good friends.
    And the woman liked the snake very much. Because when he
    talked, he made little noises with his tongue, and his long tongue
    was lightly licking about his lips.
    Like there was a little fire inside his mouth and the flame
    would come dancing out of his mouth.
    And the woman liked this very much.
    And after that, she was bored with the man.
    Because no matter what happened,
    he was always as happy as a clam.
    What did the snake say? Yes! What was he saying?
    OK. I will tell you.
    The snake told her things about the world. He told her about
    the time there was a big typhoon on the island
    and all the sharks came out of the water. Yes.
    They came out of the water and they walked right into your house
    with their big white teeth.
    And the woman heard these things. And she was in love.
    And the man came out and said: We have to go now!
    And the woman did not want to go. Because she was a hothead.
    Because she was a woman in love.
    Anyway, we got into their boat and left the island.
    But they never stayed anywhere very long.
    Because the woman was restless. She was a hothead.
    She was a woman in love.
    And this is not a story my people tell.
    It is something I know myself.
    And when I do my job, I am thinking about these things.
    Because when I do my job, that is what I think about.

    Oooo la la la la. Voici. Voilà
    Ooo la la la la. Voici le langage de l'amour.
    Oooo la la la la. La la la.
    Voici. Voilà. La la.
    Voici le langage de l'amour.
    Ah! Comme ci, comme ça. Voilà. Voilà.
    Voici le langage de l'amour.
    Voici le langage de l'amour.
    Attends! Attends! Attends!
    Attends! Attends! Attends!
    Écoute. Écoute. Écoute.
    Ooooo la la la la. Ooo la la la la.

    Yeah. La La La La. Here. And there.
    Oh yes. This is the laguage of love.
    Oooo. Oh yeah. La la.
    Here it is. There it is. La la.
    This is the language of love.
    Ah! Neither here nor there.
    There. There.
    This is the language of love.
    This is the language of love.
    Wait! Wait! Wait!
    Wait! Wait! Wait!
    Listen. Listen. Listen.
    Ooooo. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.


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