Friday, August 27, 2010

Yeah, Those Helicopters Are For Me- News at 10!

That's what was buzzing my house for about an hour yesterday. Apparently, they know.

I clicked on 4 Types of Women Men Avoid voluntarily, so I suppose I deserve what I get, but then again, so does the author when I find him.

Getting involved with certain women has irreversible ramifications that can eventually cause interference with the simple joys of life, like the Rose Bowl or the World Series, for instance. Instead of the NBA Finals, it will be Breakfast at Wimbledon and a day of shopping with your future mother-in-law.

Hardeharhar! Cuz teh wimmenz like teh shopping and not teh sports! Ur so funny!


There are different types of women who should be avoided at all costs.

Serial killers? We should probably all avoid serial killers. Oooh, maybe it's Anne Coulter or Sarah Palin. No, don't be silly. It's women with children and women without children and cougars!

By comparing your dates to certain female Hollywood icons, you can quickly identify these potentially problematic partners on your next date.

Cuz all women are alike. Really, there's no individuality to vaginas with legs.

1. The Zellweger

Renee Zellweger provides a case study for men to learn from about the type of woman to avoid.


Nice, hard working loyal women who totally love you and look slammin' in a sheath dress? Well, I can see why you'd want to avoid that!


Her character on Jerry Maguire is waiting patiently for a man to enter her home, wield her child


um, "wield" her child? How does one "wield" a child? Is it more like wielding a rapier or wielding a broadsword?


and discover his inner father before he even becomes one. The lovable son is too young to realize you're not his real dad, but he soon will.


Other people's children suck! Run away!


What the movie does not show is the United States Marine husband who is serving his third tour in Iraq. He'll soon be bringing the war to all those pretty boys who hung around while he was gone, including you.


Um, was that some deleted scene from Jerry Maguire I missed? I don't remember that. Oh, that's because it didn't happen. But all women are cheating whores just waiting to unleash a soldier with PTSD and a Desert Eagle on your ass!


2. The Jolie

Her mysteriousness exudes a tortured, creative secret that you simply must uncover, but be advised: The Angelina Jolie type is a mess. She looks like a piece of wonderment, and there's something about her copious tattoos that attracts you. The appeal of the Jolie type is strange, though: Add chewing tobacco and she would look like a superhot, female version of your mechanic.


Who's your mechanic?


She is adventurous, has a wild side and is comfortable riding a motorcycle, but eventually her depression will roll over like a herd of bloated cattle in your living room.


A what?! That's the stupidest simile I've ever heard, and I've been to poetry.com.


Her obsession with death and Gothic astrology


Gothic astrology? Do you know what "Gothic" means?


will quickly violate all holy days, like Monday Night Football.


CUZ GIRLZ DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL! Apparently, I'm not a girl. If you tried to get between me and football, I would nailgun you to the floor.


For you, this will be an emotional, emasculating loss.


I'm pretty sure you actually have to have a penis to be emasculated, buddy.




17 comments:

  1. PF, when you find him, please let me know. I will help with annihilation and disposal.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, where DO you find these stupid people, with tuly moronic thought processes yet sufficient braincells to operate a blog?

    Oh, and lumping together

    scientist/psych major/accountant

    sortof indicates that he only knows of the college-educated from references in sitcoms or something, and has never met any scientist or psych major or accountant of either gender.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Two rules to follow in your search for a girlfriend are: If she's cool and has no baggage, go for it.

    Two rules to follow in your search for a picnic are: If it's not raining and you enjoy eating outside, go for it.

    Two rules to follow in your search for a new car are: if it's reliable and you enjoy driving it, go for it.

    Two rules to follow in your search for a movie are: if it's been released and you want to see it, go for it.

    I could do this all day...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Annnnd... yet another guy who set out to talk about Problems Women Haz and wound up airing his own issues instead. Seriously. Title = Kinds of Women to Avoid. Content = Why Women Should Avoid Me.

    First off, can we stop with the stereotype that Guys Like Sports (And Women Don't)? I'm a guy, and I find spectator sports(in general, and team sports in particular) to be boring pointless. Weirdly, I mostly hear this coming from guys, and it's annoying - at least some of them ought to know better.

    "um, 'wield' her child? How does one 'wield' a child? Is it more like wielding a rapier or wielding a broadsword?"

    I believe it's akin to lifting heavy objects using a wench.

    "Her intelligence fascinated you from the start, but wait until Marie Curie deconstructs you with her triple-major, PhD-educated mind."

    Um, okay. I'm waiting. 'Cause frankly, unlike Sparky The Wonderboy, I don't find the prospect all that intimidating. Someone might notice that I have flaws, and see through the bullshit I use to cover them up? O, the horror! O, the terror! How will I ever survive? Oh, wait... that's precisely the sort of thing that helps me be a better person. Bring it on!

    "Her mysteriousness exudes a tortured, creative secret that you simply must uncover, but be advised: The Angelina Jolie type is a mess."

    I'm ambivalent about this one. On the one hand, one of my biggest pet peeves - especially in relationships - is people who have strong expectation but either don't know what they are, or don't know how to communicate them (or, even more annoying, include 'you should just know' as one of those expectations). I hate that... but it's not a behavior that's limited to Wommenz.

    On the other hand, having your own interests, wearing alternative fashions, and not conforming to mainstream social expectations is generally a plus in my book... and, more to the point, it isn't even remotely a warning sign that This Person Has Irresolvable Issues. More likely it just means that they have a unique and interesting perspective. (This is also frequently true of the socially trained and fashion-conscious among us.)

    So, yeah - by all means avoid dating anyone whose issues you aren't prepared to deal with it... but don't assume that you can tell whether or not that's the case just by looking at someone. People: they're more complicated than that.

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  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  6. Er... I know he meant to scare us away from those made-up pigeonholes, but I'd take a Jolie-Curie in a heartbeat. Size medium, red hair if it's in stock, basic black if not.

    ReplyDelete
  7. at the very least, avoid the Gothic senior citizen

    You know, there might be Goth senior citizens at some point in the future, but most of them realize that the black hair and Nefertiti eyeliner start to look silly as the skin starts to sag. (Although, with staying out of the sun all that time, their skin actually stays younger-looking longer. If they were careful in choosing their makeup, anyway.)

    Ladies! This askmen.com writer (who wisely chose to remain anonymous) sounds like a real catch! I don't see why you're hating on him like this. All he wants is a young supermodel with no self-esteem, limited brain capacity and no uterus. If you can fulfill those minimal requirements, sign up today!

    ReplyDelete
  8. LOL @ Postman. "It." "If it's in stock." Nice.

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  9. When did Marie Curie become a Hollywood Icon? D'ya think he meant Tim Curry?

    ReplyDelete
  10. And I guess nobody warned Mel Brooks about Anne Bancroft. He must have been miserable!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Blah, Mutzali beat me to the whole Madame Curry being a Hollywood icon.

    I would also like to say I just read through the entire Girl Genius history and I am now hooked. I want to say thanks, but I am not sure if it would be sarcastic or not...

    ReplyDelete
  12. add comment moderation to your BS or more people will die with you...



    plush safe he think

    http://www.christies.com/lotfinderimages/D14781/d1478164x.jpg




    http://vimeo.com/13704095


    but with recent revelations about James Randi, I think he likes DICKS!


    ____________________

    THE SECOND COMING!

    THE END OF ATHEISM

    FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT...
    ...
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Smwrw4sNCxE
    ____________________________________________

    THE B**BQUAKE - 911

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeblvLoVJCA&feature=related

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpZZ2PPBzP8&feature=related

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvSljPf9on4&feature=related

    you are going to pay the price for this….

    THE RUBBER DUCKY OF PSEUDOSCIENCE III - JAMES RANDI



    http://daddytypes.com/archive/hofman_rubber_duckie.jpg

    there is a lot of sh*t to flush!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cg2AezJo8aQ

    THE HEAD OF THE INFIDEL!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojR-XRt4rrA

    Is America burning yet?

    Maybe we need some more...

    we use the DIVINE against the ESTABLISHMENT... you?

    we do better DEMOLITIONS than you, savage...

    RENOUNCE YOUR ATHEISM AND JOIN THE SOCIALIST FAITH!

    let them know if the MDC continues more people will die...

    the WORLD TRADE CENTER PROPHECY - THE DANCE OF DEATH

    WORLD TRADE CENTER PROPHECY

    FLUSH ATHEISM!

    Actually it is a ROYAL FLUSH!!!

    Let me show you how ATHEISTS were partially responsible for 911

    These ATHEISTS NEED TO BE ON THE TERRORIST WATCH LIST!

    You don’t even have SCIENCE on your side…

    You’re a perfect example of when PHILOSOPHY becomes an ENEMY OF LIFE...

    http://stephenlaw.blogspot.com/2010/06/playing-mystery-card.html

    not quite samantha with her *supernatural spit*, eh?

    this isn't one of your little WORD GAMES...

    blasphemy is a DEATH SENTENCE

    you people actually BELIEVE the BS you preach!

    GOD 1 - atheists 0

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQcNiD0Z3MU

    Atheists,

    you are ENEMIES OF GOD AND ARE GOING TO BE ANNIHILATED...

    Repent and turn to God or be destroyed...

    YOU HAVE NO CHOICE...

    my interpretation of the STATUE FIRE... it symbolizes the SPIRITUAL DEATH of atheism...

    http://www.salon.com/news/2010/06/15/us_lightning_strikes_jesus_statue

    http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2010/6/16/1276680110544/The-King-of-Kings-statue--005.jpg

    http://www.latimes.com/media/photo/2010-06/54332292.jpg

    http://friendlyatheist.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/butterjesus-1.jpg

    PRINCESS DI IS WEARING A NEW DRESS!

    http://www.princeofwales.gov.uk/speechesandarticles/a_speech_by_hrh_the_prince_of_wales_titled_islam_and_the_env_252516346.html
    ______________________________
    http://skepticblog.org/2010/04/06/would-i-ever-pray-for-a-miracle/

    Shermer, I WANT TO SEE YOU BEG FOR A MIRACLE...
    ___________________
    we do like your music Lady Gaga, but...

    The B**BQUAKE - 911

    Let me show you the FATE OF TRAITORS...

    http://www.loiterink.com/photos/products/182_3424_500x500.jpg

    they are incapable of telling the difference between SCIENTIFIC *FACT* AND
    RELIGIOUS AND PHILOSOPHICAL *TRUTH*... FATAL ERROR!

    they also preach a *VALUE FREE SCIENCE* called *POSITIVISM* that ignores the
    inequalities of wealth and power in capitalist civilization...

    for a sample taste of PZ Myers' GARBAGE...

    http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2010/06/sunday_sacrilege_imagine_no_he.php

    HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

    http://hawaiiwebgroup.com/maui-design/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/website-hijacking.jpg

    HIJACKING IN PROGRESS!!!

    how can these HEADLESS IDIOTS BET AGAINST GOD!!!
    ________________________________________
    what happens when you LOSE Pascal's Wager...

    http://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/pascals-wager.htm

    THE BOOBQUAKE - 911!
    ****************************************************
    http://dissidentphilosophy.lifediscussion.net/philosophy-f1/the-boobquake-911-t1310.htm

    ReplyDelete
  13. If comment moderation was added we wouldn't get to laugh at the poisoned mind of Dennis Marbus/Markuze.

    Laughing at you DM

    ReplyDelete
  14. actually we are laughing at you DEAD FUCKERS

    ReplyDelete
  15. The Curie sounds pretty hot.

    On a marginally related note there's a neat recent book about women in science in the 20th century- "The Madame Curie Complex" by Julie Des Jardin.

    As to the whole football obsession, does this mean I'm not a guy since I can't stand football? The only common spectator sports I can somewhat stand are baseball and soccer. And baseball is largely due to having had a girlfriend at one point who was pretty baseball obsessed.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Adding my votes to the list: hate sports, like smarts, would totally go out with Angelina Jolie if she wasn't married.

    Reading this guys expert grasp of simile and metaphor, however, I really can't feel any anger over his piece. It's just too pitiful. I find myself wanting to give the poor pathetic little creature a hug and telling him it'll all be okay... before taking him out back with a shotgun and putting him out of his misery.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh steaming feculent crapscicle:

    I really hate this kind of humor, I see it all the time, some dude making the simple stereotype jokes and thinking he is outrageously funny. Worse when he thinks he actually knows something.

    Not that men are the only culprits, women have a nest of stupid stereotypes that many subscribe to as well, but in my experience men are more outspoken about it.

    Now sometimes stereotypes can make good comedy, many comedians trade on that fact. However humor needs more than just a stereotype it needs wit, timing and some message outside the stereotype that makes you say hmmmm. Jokes just mocking people generally aren't funny. At least not to me.

    I seem to be ranting for no good purpose so I will stop, but wow that dude annoyed the crap out of me.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are for you guys, not for me. Say what you will. Don't feel compelled to stay on topic, I enjoy it when comments enter Tangentville or veer off into Non Sequitur Town. Just keep it polite, okay?

I am attempting to use blogger's new comment spam feature. If you don't immediately see your comment, it is being held in spam, I will get it out next time I check the filter. Unless you are Dennis Markuze, in which case you're never seeing your comment.

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