Monday, November 1, 2010

Disease and Desire- a Primer of Sorts

Holly of the Pervocracy (never, ever safe for work, but that's why I love her) has a great post today about sick sex.

No. It was like coming home. Back to the place where I'm desirable, desiring, fuckable, fucking. Back to where pleasure matters. Back to where bodies are wonderful beautiful things for joy and exploration. Back to being a person.

People- and by people, I mean doctors, friends, loved ones, lovers- get really freaked out by the concept of disabled/chronically ill people as sexual beings. Being disabled makes one, in the mind of others, occupy the same mental space as the elderly and children- sexless beings, or at least beings that damn well ought to be sexless, and if you're not, get on it, because nobody wants to think about amputees getting it on, okay? Yeesh.

Except that disabled =/= sexless. Assumed sexlessness is one of the worst things about disability. And orgasms are better for pain than dilaudid, and that stuff is like being hugged by the almighty, let me tell you.

I am not sexless. I have no desire to be sexless. I like sex. I like desiring and being desired. It's more difficult these days, and sex requires a bit more being careful of aching joints than I'd like, but that doesn't make me sexless. But try having a conversation with a doctor about sex and making sure I can keep having it. They act like I'm requesting they fix my ability to bungee jump or something equally outlandish and unnecessary. How sick are you, really, if you still want to get naked and crazy? seems to be the general implication, along with a hint of I can't believe you made me think about that. Ew.

So, anyway, for today, if you see someone disabled or old or whatever, force yourself to consider that that is a sexual being, too. That is an entire person who has all the same desires and desirings of the able and young and beautiful. Extra credit if you picture it and don't gag.


  1. The movie Saved! had a good sub-plot that kinda-sorta touched on this.

  2. I love that film.

    In real life, my mom had polio when she was a little girl. She can't move her legs, and gets around on crutches and braces.

    And yet, I got here somehow...

  3. Yeah, sexuality is half about body parts, half about the brain. Take away the body parts (or render them less-than-useful) and you've still got a brain looking for a healthy romp.

    It's hard to imagine disabled sexuality, but then again, I've got very overweight friends with healthier sex-lives than mine, so I often think that I'm the one with the problem.

    Heck, I *know* I'm the one with the problem...

  4. WEM, I'd argue it's ALL in the head. When sex is great it's because your head is in the right place, and when it's crap, and it can be crap, it's because you couldn't concentrate, distracted, disgusted, whateever, all head issues.

  5. you're VERY right, PF. i once [not very long ago - in between surgeries, actually] had a doctor tell me "if you can want to have sex, you DO NOT HURT"

    what?! seriously, i've been in constant chronic pain since i was NINE YEARS OLD. there's NOTHING that i've done that i have done WITHOUT HURTING!

    my problem NOW is getting doctors to have the conversation about "look, i actually *DO* hurt too much to have sex and this is BAD can we PLEASE do something about this?!?!?!"


    funny, irreverent, story. my mom used to be crazy. C.R.A.Z.Y. loopy. nuts.

    she'd go off on something stupid, i'd say "jesus, go get LAID already!" or something similar.

    couple years ago, Bad Something happened - i waited for the explosion.
    no explosion.
    i said "where's the explosion? you ALWAYS freak about crap like this"
    she said
    "how can i explode? Wes made me explode TOO much last night - no energy for it tday"

    once i got past the whole "great my mom's make sex PUNS" issue, i said "TOLD YOU SO" bcuz i'm FIVE and love to tell people i told them so :D

  6. ODR, I don't disagree. The "body parts" bit I meant only in the sense that if they're missing, sex is fairly difficult. Beyond that, it really is all between the ears...


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