Tuesday, November 30, 2010

There's a Medication for That

One day, you'll kick yourself for not reading this.

Why is it that if I told you Samara from The Ring was stalking me, you'd carry me to the psych ward kicking and screaming, but the religious get a pass for exactly the same sort of belief?

Yeah, right. The paranormal world of Fringe exists in the minds of the writers and the designs of the producers, but don’t be fooled into thinking that there isn’t a very real and very dangerous parallel universe that intersects ours on a minute by minute basis. The Bible is as stuffed as a holiday turkey with accounts and examples of these two worlds colliding with shocking and life altering results. Now you can deny or ignore this truth, but that does not make the reality of the spiritual world any less real. You are living in the fringe, so I would highly recommend being informed and aware of how to survive and conquer.

Umm . . . I don't think that word, "reality", means quite what you think it means. Seriously, this is the plot to Hellblazer, only he seems to think of it as really, really real, you know, like the desk I'm sitting at. Apparently, I need some holy water, a vial of dragon's breath and silver bullets . . .

Survival tip #1 - Open your eyes!

Useful advice for both slow and fast zombies, really.

Because you possess an eternal soul, you have two levels of awareness. One, obviously, is what you observe on a physical level, but that is only half the equation.

Wut? Two levels of awareness? Can you prove that? At all? If not, you're on the same level as that guy on the bus who swears the KGB put microwave receivers in his fillings.

Can you imagine? The servant thought they were completely outmatched - but in reality there was an angelic force surrounding their enemies that dwarfed their numbers by comparison. Ask God to make you aware of His presence and protection even in the midst of the most frightening circumstances.

There's that word again: reality. He must be using some alternate definition I am unaware of. *checks dictionary* They're unaware of it, too.

Survival tip #2 - Open Fire!

Don't hesitate with zombies, but unless you have the appropriate ammunition for werewolves and vampires, I'd recommend trying to hide or running away. Otherwise, you'll just piss them off.

Far too many Christians live on the fringe of the fringe. We sometimes think that being a Christ follower is occasionally showing up for church, praying before meals and tests, and reading the Bible when the mood strikes them. Hey guys, that’s like being drafted into the military during war time and showing up to the battle armed with an i-Pad and wearing footy pajamas!

Unless it's an imaginary war and your imaginary foes are armed with imaginary weapons, in which case an iPad and pjs are just as useful as anything else.

Bottom line: there is no neutral position in this war. You either take your journey with Jesus Christ seriously, or you will be seriously rocked.

RAWKED! lol. Anyway, I'm an atheist, and I have not noticed any RAWKing, so . . . not so much.

Get in the game

EA Sports called, they'd like to have a discussion with you about copyright infringement.

by suiting up each day with the armor God has graciously provided us: Be ready! Let the truth be like a belt around your waist,

the truth will hold up my pants?

and let God's justice protect you like armor.

Considering the news coming out of countries where Christians really are persecuted, I don't think it's like armor so much as it's like not having any protection at all.

Your desire to tell the good news about peace should be like shoes on your feet.

knee high, strapped and buckled? interesting.

Let your faith be like a shield, and you will be able to stop all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Let God's saving power be like a helmet, and for a sword use God's message that comes from the Spirit (Ephesians 6:14-17, CEV).

Good luck with your imaginary shoes and your imaginary belt and your imaginary shield and your imaginary helmet and your imaginary sword. Have you considered imaginary greaves to complete your outfit?

Survival tip #3 - Open your mouth!

Generally not a good strategy against zombies, although it's possible you could persuade werewolves or vampires to kill you quickly.

This battle is about the destiny of humanity - which includes your friends who don’t know about the good news of Jesus Christ.

Ah, I love imaginary battles about imaginary destinies. Which is why I play video games. Which I know aren't real.

You are living in a dual reality where the physical and spiritual worlds collide each day in a battle for souls.

That no one can prove in the slightest. Which separates it from reality in that, well, not reality.

Here's my advice, while we're discussing imaginary dangers and ways to deal with them: never run from anything immortal. It attracts their attention.

pic link


  1. Y'know, back when I lived in the weird Evangelical world I was convinced that the powers and principalities of the spirit world were everywhere. I could feel them and everything. And I was told to expect them.

    Now I don't any more. Funny how that works.

  2. Ah, but Empress, did you check Urban Dictionary? We all know that's where the real definitions of words are now.

    BTW, I think they've been reading Irish mythology. What's that? The Tuatha De and Finn and Cuhchulainn predate Jesus? It can't be!!

  3. Congratulations, Crazy Person. You have just converted your religion into a roleplaying game. All you need now is dice.

  4. @Geds: That's because you've hardened your heart against the gospel. By embracing the wisdom of this world, your perception of the spiritual realm has become dull. Also, you probably have devil cooties. Icky!

    @PF: Any chance you can send me to a higher res version of the image? I can't read the fine print, and you know, I'd hate to be unprepared when the shambling hordes of the undead come rollin' up the street.

    Also, you may very well have seen this already, but I can't say I've ever minded reading it again: How Everything Goes To Hell During A Zombie Apocalypse

  5. the truth will hold up my pants?

    I sense a new abstinence slogan...

  6. We shouldn't forget that Jesus is a zombie. Or a vampire. Depending on your mythology...

    At NYCC this year, Marzie and I went to a zombie panel. It was, needless to say, awesome.

  7. No no no... Jesus was definitely a zombie, it was his disciples who were blood-drinking vampires. Although, Jesus can't enter your heart unless you invite him in...

    Now I'm confused. Is there a medication for having an existential crisis, as well?

  8. @ Geds - "Is there a medication for having an existential crisis, as well?"

    I'm pretty sure they call that "scotch."

  9. @WB- huh. That's high res on my first gen iPhone (gift from a friend), but low res on my computer. Weird.

    Yes, I do carry around helpful hints for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.

  10. Ah, but Ginx, you must remember: the traditional time between the death and the rising of a vampire is... wait for it... three days.

  11. Sorry, that was directed at Ginx, not Geds. Clearly I, too, need scotch.

    And thanks to the Woeful Budgie for linking to that.

  12. What do you recommend for the non-drinker? Maybe I'll just suck the nitrous out of whipped cream canisters at the grocery store until they kick me out again...

  13. Oh yeah, and if Jesus is a vampire, then how come people who claim to have found him seem to have had their brains eaten?

  14. Oh, that's right. For non-drinkers... skydiving, maybe? My first instinct for dealing with an existential crisis is to go do something I haven't done in a while, or try something new.

  15. Skydiving? Boy, existential crises are expensive these days for you teetotalers. I've never been more grateful for a well-stocked liquor cabinet.

  16. can i also get a hi-res coy of that? since Pete and my niece are BOTH addicted to Left 4 Dead 2...

  17. Making fun of the handicapped again, eh, persfail? You'll probably get solitary confinement in Hell for that, and then we'll never meet.

    cheers from icy Vienna, zilch


Comments are for you guys, not for me. Say what you will. Don't feel compelled to stay on topic, I enjoy it when comments enter Tangentville or veer off into Non Sequitur Town. Just keep it polite, okay?

I am attempting to use blogger's new comment spam feature. If you don't immediately see your comment, it is being held in spam, I will get it out next time I check the filter. Unless you are Dennis Markuze, in which case you're never seeing your comment.

Creative Commons License
Forever in Hell by Personal Failure is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at foreverinhell.blogspot.com.