Friday, December 11, 2009

Great Translation or Greatest Translation

bible, conservapedia, schlafly, translation,
I decided to check back in with Andy Schlafly and see how his wingnut translation of the Bible is going. I am so glad I did. I was in such a dark place this morning, and this comedic mess cheered me right up.

Matthew 3:7

King James Version:

But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees come to his baptism, he said unto them, O generation of vipers, who hath warned you to flee from the wrath to come?

Wingnut Edition:

When John saw how many Pharisees and Sadducees came to be baptized by him, he said to them, "You jerks! Who has warned you to flee from the divine sentence that's coming to you?

That's John the Baptist reimagined as a 9-year-old girl.

The explanation adds to the hilarity.

The phrase Γεννηματα εχιδνων, "sons of snakes," is an insult, akin to "sons of (female dogs)" or "bastards" or simply "jerks."

The word rendered "wrath" is οργη, which refers to the attitude of a magistrate before whom a convict appears for sentencing. In this context, they are clearly attempting to flee from God's justice by baptism. John finds this richly ironic, because he knows that Pharisees and Sadducees would be united in their "citified" contempt of him, because he's a roughneck who doesn't "dress properly," and everyone in Jerusalem surely knows it.

I believe the phrase you are looking for is "sons of bitches", dearheart. Bitches. I'm dying to see what they do with the Song of Solomon aka biblical porn.

I also enjoy that John the Baptist is apparently a cross between a teabagger and Kenny Rogers, that all us "citified" libruls just don't understand. We don't get it, you see, his roughneckness, because we're jerks.

Matthew 5:22


But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

Wingut Edition:

But I tell you that any person who is angry with his brother shall be liable for trial, and anyone who says to his brother, "Airhead!" shall be liable to be brought before the council, but whoever says, "Moron!" shall be liable for the fire of hell.

Jesus, as a 9-year-old Californian girl, circa 1986.

That's . . . amazing.


  1. Wow someone takes an already stupid book and elevates it to new heights of stupidity. I really enjoy it when Christians go out of the way to prove my point that they are practicing an idiotic superstition.

  2. Yeeeaaaaaah …

    I don’t think I’ll be hurrying to read that version, either.

    Relatedly, Schlafly was interviewed on Colbert two days ago or so. All I remember of him is that he looks like a dried stick (the only missing “conservative” stereotype he’s missing is corpulence), and he has a really weird and grating laugh.

    I honestly can’t recall anything of what he said. Odd. And relieving.

  3. HAH! That is some serious WTF going on there. Where the hell did they get the "roughneck" crap from? That translation is one of the crappiest I have ever heard, including my 9th grade Latin class.

  4. This is painful. The KJV has some of the most beautiful language. And these people are wrecking it. Badly. One doesn't need to be religious to appreciate the literary violence at work.


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