Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'm Told This Is Not a Poe

big love, polygamy, christian, marriage,
I'm not sure I believe it. (I'm not calling you a liar, [redacted2], but wow, it's a little unbelievable.) I just can't quite believe this website, which is basically a polygamy dating site, is not a poe. The idea is just mind boggling.

Before you attempt to even read anything on the page, run your mouse over the options to the left. Each option is bullet pointed by a kneeling woman icon. As you mouse passes over an option, the kneeling woman bows. It's . . . it's . . . words fail me.

So, why should I sign up with this dating service? Apparently, the possibilities are endless.

Does friendship have to end in high school or even college? Women with college degrees are increasingly finding it difficult to find men at executive levels that are not married. They feel pressure to marry one of their college classmates even though they're much more attracted to older more experienced men (as in life experience.) Because of this, some women are opting for retaining their friendships and entering that search for a lifetime partner together. Join our list of searching women by visiting ChristianMarriage.com or by filling out the contact form on this website. You might be surprised to find out that your best friend would share a husband with you. Good friends are hard to find. Why leave yours behind.

Wouldn't it just be easier to have sex with my best friend and leave the third party out of it? Also, if this is my BFF, shouldn't I know already how she would feel about polygamy? Why do I need yours services?

Maybe you've been more of a loner but are open to the idea of a polygamous union. You may simply not be prepared to settle (as in settle for less than you've been expecting all your life.) This is a malady common to the beautiful as well as the educated. You've been brought up to expect a super successful exec to sweep you off your feet. There is no reason that can't still happen if you open your eyes to the possibility for matching yourself with a much married man.

So, I'm beautiful, educated, and living in a very peculiar Disney Princess movie, apparently.

There are others for whom the perfect match seems to be as bounteous as their own imagination. Are you what some Americans might call a "mail order bride?" If so, don't count on those anxious foreigners to be the prince charming you imagine them to be. Many of the men seeking wives from Asia have personality defects that are not easily detectable via letters or e-mail. It's a custom in many Asian nations for well moneyed men to have secret wives. You can find out what it's like to have a man who does not try to hide you but who is the kind of man that secret wives get; a strong breadwinner, gracious, adoring, and full of energy. It's a fact that the best men are indeed taken but I can assure you that many of them are waiting to meet someone like you. Maybe you're not a college type at all and don't have a career path in mind. A polygamous household might be just the thing the Lord has planned for you. Polygamists, for obvious reasons, don't parade their wives around town as the monogamists do. We value who our women are and have a healthy desire for them. We're not interested in what desires they might induce in other men. There is no reason for any man to parade his wife about like a harlot. Respect for a woman is demonstrated by a calm and patient temperament. I'm sure you can understand that most men who enter polygamous unions have a tremendous amount of patience or they would have no interest in having even one wife.

That paragraph is . . . um . . . mail order . . . and then . . . taking your wife to dinner is parading her about like a harlot? I . . . >_< . . . patience . . . respect? This is like a missive from an alternate universe in which James Kirk married Uhura, the green chick and Spock.

Maybe you're from the Brethren, Mennonites, Anabaptists, or a woman that simply has conservative values. If so, you're likely more suited than you think to be part of a polygamous household. Women such as yourself find it a comfort knowing that they don't have to complete college to be accepted as "real women" and they can enjoy the freedom that is the envy of women's libbers. Imagine being part of a household that includes more women than men. You can leave your children for the day without worries. You can spend an afternoon at a coffee shop or the mall without any worries about the well being of your children. In general, women in polygamous households have fewer responsibilities than women in "nuclear two parent families." Obviously it is much easier to cook dinner or do the laundry if you have help and in a polygamous household there is plenty of help. Are you such a woman? Join our list of searching women by visiting ChristianMarriage.com and placing a personal ad.

Wait, aren't I a harlot if I go out in public? Now I'm hanging out in coffee shops looking all chic while my best friend or whatever does the laundry? Are these the writers of Big Love?

It's a fact that the best men are indeed taken but I can assure you that many of them are waiting to meet someone like you. You'll be surprised at how many women share your beliefs that a conservative household with lots of children and lots of wives for the husband is the best way to provide a happy and healthy environment for your children. There simply are no latch key kids in polygamous households. Every child is cared for and loved..

I'll just stick with a good daycare, thanks.


  1. You know what, I don't care who you heard it from. You could have heard about this from the friggin' polygamy Pope and I wouldn't believe it's not a Poe.

    Although I do dream of the day I can parade my wife around town like the monogamous harlot she is...

  2. What purpose is there for marriage if it isn't chaste, monogamous showing off of your harlot of a wife? I mean, it's not like love, intimacy, or creating a mutually fulfilling relationship to last the ages is actually any better than being able to say, "Hey, you remember the head cheerleader? Yeah. I married her. We sleep in the same bed while wearing flannel footie pajamas EVERY NIGHT. Take that, Tommy Bradshaw. I still remember that time you took my lunch money and called me a dork in the third grade!"

    There's also the alternate: "Hey, girl who dumped me because she thought she could do better and is now single and lonely. Check out who I hooked! Boo-yah!"

    Although, really, if I had two wives, wouldn't that sort of crowing just be twice as much fun? Especially since I'm pretty sure that in order to be like the guy in the OP I'd have to be a misogynist asshole who only thinks that women exist to validate me.

    Crap. Now I've gone and confuzzled myself.

  3. Hey now! My husband and I may go out in public together, but I parade myself around like the harlot that I am.

    (Or maybe I parade him around like a harlot? Depends on where we go, I guess...)

  4. Well, when my wife and I go out in public, I certainly parade *myself* around like the harlot I am.

  5. Hmmm. Hard to say if this is a Poe or not.

    I've solved the marriage problem for myself by simply living in sin. Since I'm going to Hell anyway, why bother with all the paperwork?

  6. What I've always wondered is, does is work both ways? I always see polygamy advertised and one man with many wives, never one woman with many husbands, or even a mixed group of multiple men and women. Why is it that only the men get to have multiple wives in this whole polygamy system?

  7. The short answer, CH, is that eggs are bigger than sperm. If that's too cryptic, I'll expand.


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