Tuesday, December 8, 2009

While I May Be Held Responsible

palin, lloyd, marcus, conservative, feminism, patriarchy
I'm warning you right now, the following from Lloyd Marcus at Red Country may rob you of the will to live. (If you do decide to go that route, may I request a little creativity? I'm sick of seeing "suddenly" and "unexpectedly" in the obituaries. I want to see "koala", "pineapple rings" and "well-placed latte".)

I was in Texas performing at a tea party rally (singer/songwriter of the American Tea Party Anthem). What is . . . hmmm . . . ODEARQUANTUMFIELD I LOOKED! O, THE HUMANITY!!1!!! While waiting for my wife, I wandered into the hotel pub. "pub"? really? did it say "Ye Olde Pubbbbbbe" on it? Yeah, we call them bars, welcome to America. It was Lady's Night. A cowboy not a lady practically had a line of women waiting to dance with him. or one. He held them firm, but gentle. firmly! gently! he held them firmly but gently! He confidently lead and they gleefully followed. so you do know what an adverb looks like. Each knowing she was in good hands. with Allstate! I, along with others, by the looks on their faces, thoroughly enjoyed watching him dance with the women. frankly, this is getting a bit creepy. Why did we enjoy it? oh, no, i thought about it. i shouldn't have, but i did. It represented the way men should be and how women want them to be. dancing? firm? lined up? i got it! this was a porno he watching. it all makes sense now! Despite what the radical feminists say, women want men to be strong and confident without being jerks. It is called Biology. lowercase "b" and, um, really? admittedly, i don't know any radical feminists, but speaking as a feminist, i like strength, confidence and dislike jerks. and dancing.

Is chivalry dead? was it ever really alive? Have we conservative men allowed political correctness to prevent us from treating women the way we instinctively know we should? why ask the people in question when you've got instincts? When my three brothers and I started dating, my dad instructed us. “You take good care and return her home the way you found her”. translation: don't date virgins. Following dad's instruction made us feel good about ourselves. We felt like men. i initially read that as "we felt men", which made more sense here.

following 6 paragraphs of Palin defense (really, that was the theme here):

I believe strong women inspire men to be strong. wow, that's right, strong people do inspire strength in others . . . what are those words over- oh, for fuck's sake They are not offended when we open the door for them, carry their heavy packages and mind our conversation around them. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! can you imagine watching your language around me? i sound like a sailor and a truck driver talking smack while on meth. that is some major lulz! oh- my arms work just fine. if i'm carrying something, go ahead and open the door, i'll do the same for you. duh. Or has such behavior from men become too “Andy and Mayberry” for our secular progressive crude culture? i do enjoy when black men invoke the 50s as the place to be. Trust me, I am not a prude, sure but radial feminists have diminished women's power in our society. I was raised a real man treats women with a level of respect. Nobody is allowed to “dis” your momma, wife or your sister.

See, that's not power, Lloyd, that's patriarchy. women can't open doors, carry packages or defend themselves because they are weak and stupid and the brave cowboymenfolkheroes must do it for them.

-100 points for invoking 50s sitcoms and 80s slang in the same paragraph. also.

this is so crazy, i'm obviously not the only one thinking meth:

Not only is the Left committed to keeping women in their place, but blacks as well; all the while claiming to desire progress and liberation for both. Blacks who achieve success without liberal programs and intervention are beaten down and dragged back to the Left's government dependency plantation. Such uppity independent blacks are strapped in a chair, deprived bathroom privileges and shown videos 24/7 of Sharpton, Jackson and hypocritical rich America hating rappers. The deprogramming message, “America sucks! Racist! Sexist! Homophobic! Liberal democrats are your saviors!”

O_o

>_<

o_O

7 comments:

  1. You know, I tried and could not make it through Mr. Marcus's little tantrum. I hate men who act like this.

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  2. Nothing like a conservative dude who knows absolutely nothing about feminism declaring what it is that all feminists think and believe.

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  3. ::gets halfway through::

    Koala and pineapple rings? I think I can do that. Tell my family I love them.

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  4. Owweeey!!
    The stupid..it hurts.

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  5. Lloyd is making me angry.

    While waiting for my wife, I wandered into the hotel pub. "pub"? really? did it say "Ye Olde Pubbbbbbe" on it? Yeah, we call them bars, welcome to America

    At first I was going to defend his use of the term pub, but then I realised: what the hell is a "hotel pub?" You don't get a pub inside a hotel: if a hotel has a bar, it is a pub.

    It was Lady's Night. A cowboy practically had a line of women waiting to dance with him.
    Damn it, why can't I stop picturing Duke Nukem?

    When my three brothers and I started dating, my dad instructed us. “You take good care and return her home the way you found her”.

    Interestingly, Lloyd's father used the exact same words when he started borrowing his car.

    Seriously, cars are objects. Girls are people. If you're treating girls like cars, there's something wrong with you. (If you're treating cars like girls on the other hand, good for you! It only gets weird when you name them).

    I believe strong women inspire men to be strong. They are not offended when we open the door for them, carry their heavy packages and mind our conversation around them.

    Okay, fair enough. Someone who offers to do these things is chivalrious. Someone who insists on doing these things even when the woman refuses and/or takes offence is a jerkoff. Someone who thinks women have no right to refuse or take offence can go fuck themselves with a rusty spork.

    I was raised a real man treats women with a level of respect. Nobody is allowed to “dis” your momma, wife or your sister.

    Personally, my sense of justice is not appeased when the "momma, wife or sister" is hurt and goes home to cry to THE STRONG VIRILE REPUBLICAN COWBOY MAN, who then proceeds to hunt down and beat the shit out of the offender. That's not defending anyone, it's revenge for damage to 'property.' Fuck that shit.

    I'd much prefer to see the woman personally beat the shit out of the offender, or even better, to see the woman simply call the idiot a pathetic sack of crap and move on.

    If you do defend another person, it shouldn't be because they're the opposite sex. All other considerations are secondary.

    As for that last paragraph... no words are necessary. The insanity shines through without anybody's aid.

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  6. Tried to read it, got nearly all the way, when I noticed ZOMG he wrote a song!!!1!!

    Koala bears. Pineapple rings. Lattes.

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