Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Rules

Okay, apparently some people (you know who you are) don't know this.

If you are walking through a department store, and you see a sale rack labeled $3.99, you must stop and look at the rack. Sure, it's probably filled with the sort of clothes the people who wear gold lame leggings wouldn't wear, but you must look.

Should you happen to see a pair of jeans on that rack in a nice, medium wash*, a reasonable rise, the right length, and your size, you are legally required to buy those jeans. Federal law prohibits you from passing up a deal of that caliber. They are jeans and they are less than $5, you must buy them**.

*I'm still recovering from the 80s, so all of my jeans are one shade removed from black. I die a little inside when I see teenagers wearing acid washed jeans as if that were new, or possibly ironic. It's not ironic, I don't care what Alannis says.

**In the future, when I am Emporor of the Entire Freakin' Planet (my actual title), this will be a real law***. Violators will be prosecuted.

***I will ban leggings while I'm at it. Also.


  1. Based on your policies, I am prepared to become part of the cabal that helps propel you to absolute power.

  2. Then you get a title- and possibly a beret.

  3. These are perfectly reasonable rules. I must join your cause.

  4. Gotta time frame on your Zombie army yet? I am still practicing my disease apocalypse.

  5. I'm having a little trouble with the Zombie Virus. Apparently, something about the ravenous compulsion to eat human flesh also causes a compulsion toward wearing stretch denim leggings, and I cannot unleash an army dressed in stretch denim leggings upon the world.

  6. one could argue that the terrifying effects of stretched denim, since it would destroy the moral of all foolish enough to oppose you, is almost needed. and as First Priestess and Grand Leader of All Your Forces, i say we need to consider it.

    although, i do grant that i have a fondess for the Geneva Conventions, and therefore agree with you on the subject of leggings worn in place of pants. leggings, worn alone, are like unto biological weapons.


  7. reasonable rules, i thnk in Iran there aren't these rules :), how are u ?

  8. Fabulous rules, really.
    Please tell me it's not too late to make a teensy addendum, though... for it strikes me that you seem to have left out the ban on harem pants, which also--in a "design" choice utterly devoid of logic or taste (or anything "holy", for those so inclined)--made their inevitable "comeback". (You know--as everything truly horrid, unflattering, and basically completely-embarrassing--sartorially-speaking--must, apparently, do.)

  9. I don't know what harem pants are, but I would be in favor of death by stoning for anyone who wears "skinny jeans."


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