Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

A short story inspired by John Loftus' post, What Must Be the Case if Christianity Is True

4) That the highest created being, known as Satan or the Devil, led an angelic rebellion against an omnipotent omniscient omnibenelovent omnipresent God, and expected to win--which makes Satan out to be pure evil and dumber than a box of rocks.

Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time, a conversation between Satan and Satan's second in command, Bob.

Bob: So, we're rebelling against God?
Satan: Yes.
Bob: Why? He's omnibenevolent. You can't get nicer than that.
Satan: Apparently, I'm wicked jealous of the humans.
Bob: Those things that feel pain, get sick and die? We're angels, why are we jealous of humans?
Satan: Two words- free will.
Bob: Well, if we're deciding to rebel, we must have that, too.
Satan: Better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven.
Bob: Have you seen Hell?!
Satan: I admit, the decor is a little heavy on the burning lakes of fire and, well, burning lakes of fire, but we could always redecorate.
Bob: I don't think new wallpaper is going to fix that. Anyway, how can we rebel? God isn't just omnibenelovent, he's also omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent.
Satan: Hmmm . . . if he's omnipresent, doesn't that mean he rules Hell, too?
Bob: Yes.
Satan: Omniscient means he's hearing this conversation right now.
Bob: Uh-huh
Satan: Omnipotent means I can't win, right?
Bob: I don't know, you got anything better than all powerful?
Satan: This probably isn't a good idea.
Bob: Nope. So, how much apologizing do you think it's going to take to fix this one?
Satan: We may as well just keep rebelling, I don't think Hallmark makes that card.
Bob: *sigh* I'll go get some wallpaper samples, sir.
Satan: See if they have anything in tone-on-tone stripes. Those are classy!
Bob: Right away, sir.


  1. atheism is a death sentence...

    therefore you FORFEIT YOUR LIVES...


    you are not going to tell me what I believe...

    we're going to play a NEW GAME...





    you are going to learn even to TALK about GOD the way you do is going to cost you your lives...

    the writing on the wall...

    f*ck you very much!

    THE BOOBQUAKE - 911!

    see how we take a term and convert it into its AUTHENTIC POLITICAL DIMENSION - THAT OF LIBERATION - not just merely harmless expression...



  2. This is something that always puzzled me. Not only does it make no sense for Satan to rebel against an omnimax God, but if God is omnimax, then he created Satan and Satan's desire to rebel too. Iirc, he even said something to this effect in Isaiah somewhere: I am the author of all evil.

    But after reading the Bible a couple times more, I realized: the people who wrote it were just throwing superlatives around (my God's badder than your God) without thinking through the logical ramifications. The fact that taking omniscience and omnipotence seriously created conflicts didn't cross their minds, apparently.

  3. Clearly the writers of the OT were monolatrists rather than monotheists. It's pretty obvious that they considered Baal, for example, to be a real god, just not the one they wanted to worship.

  4. Agreed. Many of the problems I see with Christianity arise directly from claims of omnipotence/omniscience. The story makes a whole lot more sense if God is merely vastly powerful, rather than all powerful.

  5. I always got tripped up on how an omniscient deity could exist in the same universe as free will. "If you're all-knowing then you know all of my actions and choices. So my actions and choices are already made, so I don't have free will. But you say I have free will. But you also say that you're all-knowing. If you're all-knowing then...." ad infinitum...

  6. Nymph: spot on. What can "free will" possibly mean if God is omniscient and omnipotent? God wrote the script for us before the Universe was created, and He knows every choice we make, and He created us in such a way that we cannot make any other choices.

  7. There really is no conflict here. What you're forgetting is that god is also immortal.

    Think about it; sitting around for all eternity, sooner or later you get really bored, start doing anything to relieve the monotony, dropping a little acid...

    God's all Omni-Everything, he's just drunk a lot.

  8. This story gets even funnier if you imagine Satan with Zap Brannigans voice, and Bob as Kiff.

  9. Different sections of the Bible have different attitudes about God's power level. While most of the early books allow for multiple deities, by the end of the Old Testament that isn't the case. The transition seems to be around whenever the story of Elijah was written. In that story, the prophets of Baal are shown to be powerless but it never says that the deities don't exist. It is after that the general conclusion then shifts to monotheism.

  10. God's all Omni-Everything, he's just drunk a lot.

    Now that's a new perspective, uzza. Perhaps our free will happens when God is drunk, and He can't remember what He wanted us to do. I think I made some of my decisions when He was blotto on psylocibin.

  11. This story gets even funnier if you imagine Satan with Zap Brannigans voice, and Bob as Kiff.

    That's so true, lol.

    I think Satan just got bored. It's probably 'Better to have a throwdown once a millenia than watch day time tv'


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Forever in Hell by Personal Failure is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at foreverinhell.blogspot.com.