I Totally Told You So

note: I am going to deal with the Boobquake Troll (I didn't even participate in the BQ. I have no idea what his issue is), but I feel I need a new picture of my breasts. It's like a special occasion- for my breasts! Probably tomorrow.

On to the actual post:

Nothing says "I care about your immortal soul" quite like a poorly written, mean-spirited, I-told-you-so poem, right? Um, no. Look, nobody likes to hear "I told you so". Nobody. Nothing will make you that person I used to talk to, but now I can only regard with seething revulsion quite as quickly as "I told you so". Unless you're a fundy, apparently, in which case "Nyah, nyah, nyah!" is a valid form of evangelism.

"Salvation Contingency Plan"

If you find yourself left behind,
when you see me go.
Understand, and do take heed,
for I did tell you so!

What if I don't see you go? Do you still tell me so?

You should have listened, you were warned!
All the facts laid right on out,
but you did laugh and you did scoff
and all the time, you did doubt.....

Well, I'm sure I occasionally ate and slept. I probably also stopped doubting long enough to watch Lost and go to work. I dunno. I'm guessing no more than 5% of my time is really devoted to doubting, and that's including the 1% for scoffing. Heck, I Can Has Cheezburger is at least 7% by itself!

Now, you want to ask all things
And I'll tell you as best I can,
this is truly your last chance....
Your Salvation Contingency Plan!!!

All the things? All the things what? This is rising to the level of Engrish.

Turn to God right straight away
Do not dare hesitate.
Confess your sins, that he is Lord,
And do it before it's too late!

The Lord is not a 24/7 provider.

Get a Bible, study and pray.
Do not trust the news or TV....
They will lie and tell you things,
Warning: You could be deceived...

These things again! What things?! Will they also tell me stuff?

Remember what I shared with you?
"In the Twinkling of an eye"...
That song I played all time... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoWKA...eature=related
"I see him coming in the sky"...!

I lost a perfectly good keyboard to the line "I see him coming in the sky" because I am secretly a 12-year-old boy.

He called our names, each one of us.
Christians from all over the world.........
We are in Heaven with Jesus now,
that is the truth they won't tell...

So, you're dead?

No, we're not dead!

In Heaven with Jesus- dead.

No, we're raptured not dead!

But, what did my mother tell me about Grandpa and pets? In Heaven with Jesus.

This is totally different!

How?!

I told you so, that's why!

Go to this website: http://www.raptureready.com
Print all that you can,
The Internet won't last for long....
"Left Behind-- what do I do"?
Read that and you can't go wrong.

Find a Church, hidden away....
But remember, don't trust any man.
I know-- it will be very hard;
Your Salvation Contingency Plan!!!

Wait, I have to find a hidden church, but I can't trust anyone? Is this the fundy equivalent of imagining the sound of one hand clapping?

DO NOT take any marks,
no tattoos, chips or scans...
You'll not be able to buy or sell,
so store all the food that you can.

The food that I can't buy. Um, okay. Oh, and $5 that the Mark of the Beast is a tribal tramp stamp. That evokes barbed wire. And references Kid Rock.

The Antichrist, much you will hear....
He is not God, you should know.
I don't care what they say he does.
I am telling you what is so!

And I'm using exclamation points! That's! How! You! Know! It's! True!

You will be asked, who is your Lord?
Your answer will cost you your life,
But do not fret, for you will be saved,
and return with Jesus in flight.....

This death will be entirely different from the Rapture. Totally different. You know, since I'm going to end up dead and in Heaven anyway, why shouldn't I just say the sinner's prayer and then kill myself right after the Rapture? Doesn't that seem a teensy bit more efficient?

There is so much more in between....
but you'll have to learn as you go.
The Lord will give you wisdom and peace,
but you'll be in a world you don't know.

I could tell you all about this, but the point of this poem isn't useful information, it's "neener, neener, neener!"

I really wish you were with me now,
Thus, I've done all that I can.......
Now the only way to survive;
Your Salvation Contingency Plan!

The End

Coco
4/30/10

That's how you know there isn't a god. If there were, ending writing with "The End" would have been addressed in at least in the top 3 of the Ten Commandments.