Monday, May 3, 2010

I Totally Told You So

note: I am going to deal with the Boobquake Troll (I didn't even participate in the BQ. I have no idea what his issue is), but I feel I need a new picture of my breasts. It's like a special occasion- for my breasts! Probably tomorrow.

On to the actual post:

Nothing says "I care about your immortal soul" quite like a poorly written, mean-spirited, I-told-you-so poem, right? Um, no. Look, nobody likes to hear "I told you so". Nobody. Nothing will make you that person I used to talk to, but now I can only regard with seething revulsion quite as quickly as "I told you so". Unless you're a fundy, apparently, in which case "Nyah, nyah, nyah!" is a valid form of evangelism.

"Salvation Contingency Plan"

If you find yourself left behind,
when you see me go.
Understand, and do take heed,
for I did tell you so!

What if I don't see you go? Do you still tell me so?

You should have listened, you were warned!
All the facts laid right on out,
but you did laugh and you did scoff
and all the time, you did doubt.....

Well, I'm sure I occasionally ate and slept. I probably also stopped doubting long enough to watch Lost and go to work. I dunno. I'm guessing no more than 5% of my time is really devoted to doubting, and that's including the 1% for scoffing. Heck, I Can Has Cheezburger is at least 7% by itself!

Now, you want to ask all things
And I'll tell you as best I can,
this is truly your last chance....
Your Salvation Contingency Plan!!!

All the things? All the things what? This is rising to the level of Engrish.

Turn to God right straight away
Do not dare hesitate.
Confess your sins, that he is Lord,
And do it before it's too late!

The Lord is not a 24/7 provider.

Get a Bible, study and pray.
Do not trust the news or TV....
They will lie and tell you things,
Warning: You could be deceived...

These things again! What things?! Will they also tell me stuff?

Remember what I shared with you?
"In the Twinkling of an eye"...
That song I played all time...
"I see him coming in the sky"...!

I lost a perfectly good keyboard to the line "I see him coming in the sky" because I am secretly a 12-year-old boy.

He called our names, each one of us.
Christians from all over the world.........
We are in Heaven with Jesus now,
that is the truth they won't tell...

So, you're dead?
No, we're not dead!
In Heaven with Jesus- dead.
No, we're raptured not dead!
But, what did my mother tell me about Grandpa and pets? In Heaven with Jesus.
This is totally different!
I told you so, that's why!

Go to this website:
Print all that you can,
The Internet won't last for long....
"Left Behind-- what do I do"?
Read that and you can't go wrong.

Find a Church, hidden away....
But remember, don't trust any man.
I know-- it will be very hard;
Your Salvation Contingency Plan!!!

Wait, I have to find a hidden church, but I can't trust anyone? Is this the fundy equivalent of imagining the sound of one hand clapping?

DO NOT take any marks,
no tattoos, chips or scans...
You'll not be able to buy or sell,
so store all the food that you can.

The food that I can't buy. Um, okay. Oh, and $5 that the Mark of the Beast is a tribal tramp stamp. That evokes barbed wire. And references Kid Rock.

The Antichrist, much you will hear....
He is not God, you should know.
I don't care what they say he does.
I am telling you what is so!

And I'm using exclamation points! That's! How! You! Know! It's! True!

You will be asked, who is your Lord?
Your answer will cost you your life,
But do not fret, for you will be saved,
and return with Jesus in flight.....

This death will be entirely different from the Rapture. Totally different. You know, since I'm going to end up dead and in Heaven anyway, why shouldn't I just say the sinner's prayer and then kill myself right after the Rapture? Doesn't that seem a teensy bit more efficient?

There is so much more in between....
but you'll have to learn as you go.
The Lord will give you wisdom and peace,
but you'll be in a world you don't know.

I could tell you all about this, but the point of this poem isn't useful information, it's "neener, neener, neener!"

I really wish you were with me now,
Thus, I've done all that I can.......
Now the only way to survive;
Your Salvation Contingency Plan!

The End


That's how you know there isn't a god. If there were, ending writing with "The End" would have been addressed in at least in the top 3 of the Ten Commandments.


  1. OT: It really is best not to actually confront DM. In case you don’t know, he’s an absolutely virulent anti-atheist troll with serious mental issues (literally) who has spent the better part of the past few years leaving thousands of the same copy-pasted comments across dozens and dozens of blogs. The only way to deal with him is to either ignore him and hope he goes away, and if he doesn’t, either delete his crap manually or upgrade to a better comment system and just ban him outright.

  2. That... just...

    Okay, fin. I give. You win. Here:

    I thought I could write a poem
    'bout how I'm not gonna die
    Instead I'll be in Jesus' home
    With God up in the sky

    I'll watch as you start to suffer
    Your pain will go on and on
    I'll laugh at the death of my brother
    And praise God that I'm already gone.

    Is that stylistically awful and mean spirited enough to qualify for publication on Rapture Ready?

  3. Hell, yeah, Mike! You'll get smiley faces galore.

    and, Joe-ay, what other excuse do I have to post a new picture of breasts having missed Boobquake? It's not like I can just put them on any post.

  4. @PF:
    And why not? Do what Jen did and even make it your profile pic. Or make it into a post of its own. Really, you don’t need an excuse.

    Of course, you’ll understand, I’m sure, that the pic will need to be relatively large and hi-res and show the maximum amount of boobiness. Never mind why; just trust me – it’s for science! You wouldn’t refuse to do it for science, would you??

  5. I lost a perfectly good keyboard to the line "I see him coming in the sky" because I am secretly a 12-year-old boy.

    Well that could be an explanation for clouds...

  6. I'm gonna go ahead and agree with anyone who's said it's best to ignore DM. I'm just amazed that he's capable of changing his shtick to incorporate the Boobquake. It's impressive, since I was pretty sure he just sits around huffing glue all day.

  7. Wasn't it one of the Egyptian deities who masturbated the Universe into existence?

    ::opens Google::

    Yes, yes it was.

  8. @Michael: Wow. I guess the Python boys were right. Every sperm is sacred.

  9. oh, Michael, Michael, are you really so SAD in life? do you hate it so, that you don't want to see it anymore?
    think about it - if masturbating is supposed to make a GUY go blind, think about the consequences for catching a DEITY doing so!!!


  10. Awright, PF, where's th' boobs?

    I played for a gathering of our leading politicos and local pooh-bahs last night, saw more deficient boobs than I can stand. Need a decent pair to see and restore my equanimity.
    My wife begged off when I asked her when I got home, she said, "Jesus Christ, man! I'm SIXTY THREE!!! Go AWAY"!!!

    I was told the "Rapture" thing by a well meaning person (couple of years back) who got quite distressed by my response.

    I asked him why he thought we'd be fighting and in travail? Since the "Prince of Peace", the son of an omnipotent etc. being couldn't deliver, what made him think that "The Evil One" would do any better making those "Left Behind" behave in a certain way?

    Besides, why would we be in turmoil? We'd be rooting through their stuff.

    He said, and was serious about it, "You stay out of my house and leave my things alone! They're MINE"!

    Shows how much he REALLY believes in the rapture.

    Also, a WARNING. Fundies are not amused when you refer to that hypothetical event as "The Rupture". The hostility indix rises by several points.

  11. "think about it - if masturbating is supposed to make a GUY go blind, think about the consequences for catching a DEITY doing so!!!"

    ...He'll go scient?

    (Losing the "omni", that is.)

  12. *laughs*

    SO MANY things sprang into my head at that. my FAV is a web-serial entitled "Mr. Diety" and it's about God, and an angel, and "Jesse" [look, God can't be bothered to REMEMBER the kid's NAME, sheesh!] and Mr. Diety's S.O. "Lucy" and...

    watch it!!!

  13. PF, where are the boobs? We were promised cleavage – for SCIENCE!! Don’t turn your back on us! … and science! ;-)


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