Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The 66 Days of Strawmen

What's appalling about this list, entitled Knowing the Enemy (sigh. we're both americans, honey, and believe it or not, i do not want to destroy my country) isn't the 66 strawmen having a party, it's that these people believe that this is what we believe. I guess I can see why having a civil conversation about cheese would be impossible between a teabagger and a liberal, let alone a reasoned debate about the environment, or healthcare. None of which is good for those of us who have to live in this country.

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding. First of all, there is no "AIDS virus", it's called HIV. HIV leads to a condition known as AIDS. You can't even define what we are talking about here and you want to lecture me? Fantastic!

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex. Shouldn't children know how to read well before the 4th grade? How is illiteracy in this country connected to sex education? Why is the English teacher teaching sex ed anyway? Do you have any clue what happens in a public school in this country? No, I didn't think so.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists. So, nukes aren't a threat unless they are in the hands of commies? Does this apply if Iran has nukes? I rather think not.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding. That's just stupid.

11. You have to believe that the military, not politicians, start wars. Nobody thinks the members of our armed forces start wars. I support our troops- I support them coming home, alive, and seeing their families, instead of dying in a meaningless war based on lies.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high. Are you just stringing random words together now? You like paying high ATM fees?

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal, and really a very nice person. I have no opinion on whether or not Hillary Clinton is nice. I've never met her. She may very well be nice, but I don't particularly care as long as she's good at her job. As for "normal", I have no idea what you mean here. Are you trying to imply she is a pervert? It certainly is extraordinary for a woman to hold her position, perhaps that's what you mean.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying moral abominations should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal. I put up a manger scene on my mantle every year, you asshat. (I inherited it, it's very nice.) I just don't think my tax dollars should pay for religious scenes on public land. If you want to put up a manger scene on your land, feel free. Also, I'm fairly certain parades do not have orientations, sexual or otherwise.

21. You have to refuse to discuss the issues in a rational manner and whenever someone attempts to do so, throw a 3 ring tantrum, rant and rave, go into a lunatic rage and outshout them (preferably with profanity and name-calling) and stick to personal slurs, smear tactics, slander and building straw men so you can knock down the straw men (oops, sorry, straw persons) and hopefully sidetrack the conversation away from your lack of ability to support your position. Sorry about the irony meters, people. Just send me a bill.

26. You have to believe that all spirituality and all religions except Islam are bad. Atheist, by definition means . . .

27. You must use the following buzzwords as often as possible: "Nazi", "Hitler", " Gestapo ", "police state", "totalitarian state", "imperialism", "imperialist", "running dogs of [fill in the blank], "greedy corporations", "shrub", "fascist", "paranoid", " goose-stepping ", "ruling-class", "class-strife", "class warfare", "stolen election", "racist", "entitlements", "hate", "bourgeois" or better yet, "petty bourgeois", "counter-revolutionary", "progressive", "red-baiter", "anti-Communist", "deviationist", "revisionist", "reactionary", "multiculturalism", "oppressed", "victims of Yankee oppression", "plight of the [fill in the blank] people", "mean-spirited", "McCarthyism", "jingoism", "flag-wavers", " neocons " and, of course, overuse of the indispensible {Mod Snip}

The indispensable {Mod Snip}? How quaint. Glenn Beck can't shut up Nazis, Hitler, etc. so he's . . . Liberal? I'm disturbed. I can't say I've ever used bourgeois or petty bourgeois, progressive is a compliment in liberal circles, red baiter? Was this list written by Senator McCarthy? Deviationist? What does that even mean? Victim of Yankee Oppression is what Confederacy sympathizers call themselves, why would liberals use that phrase? GAH! Stop wasting my time!

34. You have to be a victim of as many forms of melodrama as possible and be ever vigilant to promote victimization of almost anything and anyone although that's very difficult to reconcile with the assertion that nobody's to blame for anything, except the people who don't agree with you. Do you mean the melodrama of my failing health, or the melodrama of Teh Hubby's MS? Fuck you.

36. You must with all your heart and soul hate America and Americans and bash them at every opportunity, while claiming you love America though you contend that American patriots are really traitors. And do remember to accuse people who don't agree with you of being the ones who hate America and Americans. This won't confuse people with IQs above eggplants, but remember some of our best friends are about as intellectually astute as ashtrays. So, is an ashtray more or less "intellectually astute" than an eggplant, keeping in mind that big words don't actually make you smarter, spleenweasel?

39. You are always to belittle and deride concepts such as optimism, patriotism, honor, honesty, faithfulness, fidelity, loyalty, courage, bravery, principles, trust, trustworthiness, reliability, responsibility, respect, common-courtesy, common decency, kindness, Good Samaritanism, sacrifice, patience, fortitude, values, integrity and character as being naive and passé . Call anyone who uses those words, “judgmental" and "intolerant". When did I ever belittle or deride optimism, honor, honesty, faithfulness, loyalty, courage (it's not that i'm skipping words, it's that a lot of these words are synonyms) trust, respect, kindness, sacrifice, patience, or integrity? I have never done so. I think those are good qualities. Nice try on stealing them for yourself, though.

40. You are encouraged to lionize, venerate, yea, worship sloth, lust, self-centeredness, selfishness, instant gratification, slander, criminal behavior, drug addiction, degenerate behavior, promiscuous sex, lewd remarks and behavior, rudeness, crudeness, crassness, smutty language, vulgarity of all kinds, disrespect for authority, laws, law enforcement and military while showing respect for prostitution, drug dealing, gang-bangers, organized crime, pornography and generally everything that would aid in tearing down the social fabric of the United States of America and all she stands for. "yea, worship"? Srsly? Okay, so lust, yeah, but . . . . hee hee- smutty language and vulgarity of all kinds. Sounds fun, when do we start? But sloth? I know what you're getting at. It's a swipe at all the lazy, lazy people on welfare or food stamps, who would rather live a life of desperate poverty than work, this swipe delivered during a time when there are 5 people for every available job. Go fuck yourself. (How's that for vulgar?)

63. Remember, one of the Leftwing Liberal hallmarks is to try to instill fear and use whatever scare tactics are available. This in conjunction with doomsday prophecies, perennial pessimism and hopelessness, real or imagined, will hopefully amplify the fear in others. "Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd." ~ Bertrand Russell

I'll end with this one, simply because it is delivered by a person who thinks, that at any moment, they will ascend to heaven (naked!), leaving us Leftwing Liberals (are there Rightwing Liberals?) to suffer horribly at the hands of a merciful, loving god. Doomsday prophecies, indeed.


  1. I think we should worship sloth. At least hug them.

  2. Actually, I'll be happy to worship anyone who gives me a sloth.

  3. 1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

    Damn. And here I thought that AIDS was that thing caused by HIV, which is, in turn, transmitted from an HIV positive person to a non-HIV positive person, especially if unprotected sex is involved.

    So what does that make me?

    36. You must with all your heart and soul hate America and Americans and bash them at every opportunity, while claiming you love America though you contend that American patriots are really traitors.

    Yeah! Like that Thomas Jefferson guy! He's so terrible that we should cut him completely out of the school curriculum and replace him with a true 'Murican patriot. Like Thomas Aquinas!

    26. You have to believe that all spirituality and all religions except Islam are bad.

    To be fair, I also now apparently love the Sikhs. They might be a buncha fuckin' ragheads, but their our buncha fuckin' ragheads, in that they're attempting to take over the United States in the name of Satan or Allah or whoever they worship...

    [Seriously, in all honesty, how fucking dumb do you have to be to see a vast Sikh conspiracy to take over America? Either you believe that the 200,000 Sikhs in the country are that powerful, or you just assume that anyone who's kinda-brownish must be a damn Mooslim and, besides, Sikh sounds kinda like Sheik.]

    Okay, then. I'm done here. I'ma go apply the brain bleach now.

    Also, I'm sorry about that "buncha fuckin' ragheads" stuff. I shouldn't have said "buncha." It's a crime against the English language...

  4. Okay, I counted three pot/kettle/glass houses/stones/mote/beam entries before my brain shut off in self-defense. Honestly, the irony meter hasn't been *built* that could withstand that much of an overload.

  5. I read it as "worship sloth" and got an image in my head of a sloth in a Pope hat.

  6. "5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs."

    Yes indeed. Because the Hockey Stick chart shows a clear cut example of "cyclical, documented changes in the earths climate" and not a sudden, extremely sharp rise in temperature the last few decades, corresponding to an increase in CO2.

    "10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it."

    Where the hell does this come from? Since when is self-esteem not important?

    "24. Whenever demonstrated facts don't agree with your agenda, twist them and mangle them until you can make them fit into your prejudices, the media will assist you greatly."

    This coming from the party that supports creationists, the birther movement and the teabaggers?

    28. You have to believe that there were never any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq , even though they were used against Iran , the Kurds and the Iraqi people...

    Whaaaaaaa'??? This person clearly does not live in reality.

    41. Be sure to exhibit incessant anger at America and Americans in general and rage at conservatives, centrists and anyone who doesn't agree with your ideas.

    Given that the people they are calling "Liberal Leftists" are Centrists by the standards of many other countries, and that I've never seen Olberman exhibit the same sort of eyes-bulging mouth-frothing incoherency that we see every other day from the likes of Glenn Beck...

    43. You must always offer praise and/or excuses for all of America’s enemies, especially terrorists who aren't really murdering cowards, but, rather multiculturally misunderstood.
    Fuck terrorists, fuck conservative extremists, and fuck whoever wrote this list. Fuck them up the ass with a golf club.

    Or possibly not. I'm beginning to think this whole thing is a massive exercise in Poes Law.

    60. As a Leftwing Liberal, you must be like a feminist bookstore in that you have no sense of humor and must make no effort to distinguish between serious commentary and obvious humor and sarcasm.

    For the record, feminists are some of the funniest and most sarcastic people in the universe. I present the esteemed blog owner as evidence. ;)

    62. You must always be conscious of Political Correctness. "'You're not allowed to call them dinosaurs anymore.' said Yo -less.’It's speciesist. You have to call them pre-petroleum persons.'" ~ Terry Pratchett

    FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUTOHELLYOUFUCKINGFUCKTARDEDFUCKHOLE. Terry Pratchett is a genius, and it is an affront to the dignity of the entire human race to see his words being used to support this crap.

    Alternatively, I'm beginning to think this is utterly brilliant poe/satire, in which case I heartily applaud the author. You got me, you got me good.

    64. Whenever someone offers documentation or legal proof, one effective method of obfuscation is to claim the documents, certificates, court orders or whatever was forged, fraudulent, fake or fudged...

    Birther movement, anyone?

    66. You, as a Leftwing Liberal, have to believe that all of the above is part of a vast right wing conspiracy.

    Okay, I'm convinced, it's a poe. It has to be. It just has to be. I shouldn't be surprised RR would fall for it.

  7. I don't think that the individual writing this realizes that Pratchett is making a joke in 62. For that matter, I don't think that the individual realizes that in the quote in #63, that Russell was commenting about the failings of humans, not advocating a course of action. Why do I get the feeling that the individual who wrote this didn't actually read either of these in the original context but stole them from some tertiary source?


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