For the Last Damn Time, We Celebrate Christmas, Too!

I'm not sure when "liberal" became synonymous with "atheist", or when the definition of "atheist" changed to mean "does not like or celebrate Christmas", but can someone call the dictionary and let them know it's not true?

A Touching Liberal Christmas Carol:

T’was the night before Christmas, in a liberal home,
It was gloomy and heavier than the Metrodome dome.

My house is cheerfully decorated with many, many lights. (I seriously wanted to buy outdoor light up deer and put them on the fireplace mantle. Yes, I become that person the day after Thanksgiving.) We watch hokey Christmas specials and generally act goofy on Christmas eve.

They were each in their rooms, each in silence and shame,
In hopes that no Carolers would visit again.

I love carolers! (Though I'm not sure they're supposed to capitalized.) We never get any, but I'd love to! Plus, Italian family at Christmas = red sauce and alcohol, which never leads to silence.

Tis the darkest of days in the Liberal year,

I'm not sure what you mean, really. Is there some liberal calendar I am unaware of? When is our New Years?

Banned from schools, streets and courthouses, all that laughter and cheer!

Yes, that's right. You never, ever see any sort of decorations this time of year in schools, on the streets or at courthouses. The fact that the city I live in puts up lights before Thanksgiving and there is a 20' tall tree smack in front of the courthouse is just an illusion.

For they know there’s no magic man riding sleighs in a suit,

Yes, all adults know that.

Or child in a manger, What a crock! What a hoot!

Um, plenty of liberals are Christians. Plenty of Christians are liberals. Don't conflate Christian and conservative.

Obama’s healthcare, was slashed by a GOP judge,

So you admit it was judicial activism?

And the tax-cuts extended by some Democrat sludge,

I just don't know what this has to do with Christmas.

Then the Christian extremists were all pealing with joy,
to make matters worse! How they stress and annoy!

Yeah, you are annoying. I'll grant you that.

‘I hate Santa Claus!’ the man shouted to chase away the mirth,

So . . . we know he doesn't exist, but we hate him? Do you hate Zeus?

‘He never gave to me all I’m entitled to, or worth!
He’s a hypocrite, he's gone after just one small day,
Only rewarding riches, He hates Muslims and gays.’

What the hell does Santa have to do with any of that? That's just . . . stoopid.

His Red parents had made sure that he knew the real truth,

Dude, liberal =/= communist. Calm down.

Between Ritalin shots and TV time in his room,

So we're mocking the very real conditions of ADD and ADHD as liberal fantasies now? Classy.

‘Don’t leave gift giving to some old white man, dressed in red,
It’s the government’s job to do that,’ they had said.

Has anyone anywhere said that? Plus, wtf does Santa have to do with capitalism? He's pretty much the ultimate communist.

‘Free those twelve captive reindeer from that barbarous man,
And the minority elves, with no unions at hand.

I'm not sure elves would count as a minority at the fictional North Pole, especially given that Santa was usually described as a "jolly old elf", which would simply make him the leader of the elves.

Spread the wealth, save the trees, stop this dumb Christian sham,
That was copied from old legends, in the Egyptian land.’

Well, yes, actually, Christmas is a syncretization of pagan traditions and Christianity. That's just a fact. I can't help it that reality has a liberal bias.

Thus, this sad liberal muttered to himself all night long,
Till he put on a miserable Jane Fonda song,

Who the hell is listening to Jane Fonda? I mean, I had no idea she ever recorded music at all.

The next morning he exploded when wished a good day,
‘God is dead! So are you!! Now get out of my way!!!’

Yes. I usually respond to "Have a nice day!" with "God is dead!" if I simply don't shoot the person for having the temerity to be polite.

Seriously, what is wrong with you, dude?