Thursday, December 9, 2010

Stupid Parables Are Stupid

Jason, who both pleaded and flattered in a way I could not resist, pointed me to this little parable concerning the difference between liberals and conservatives. I've seen it before, and I always mean to deal with it and never do, so the time is now. Carpe stupid parables!

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so

many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal

Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in Favor of

higher taxes to support more government programs, in other Words

redistribution of wealth.

Did she also have a terrible understanding of CapITaLiZatioN?

Contrary to poorly capitalized beliefs, liberals are not in favor of random government programs or higher taxes for the sake of higher taxes. Am I in favor of children eating? Yes. Am I in favor of health care for everyone? Yes. Do I think society means sometimes you have to pay for things you don't personally use for the benefit of everyone instead of buying a second Beemer? Yes, yes I do. And so do you, unless you'd like to start paying a toll for every single street you drive on instead of just paying an overall tax every year. Spleen weasel.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch

Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the Lectures that

she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she

felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to

keep what he thought should be his.

Um, no. All liberals have conservative family members and vice versa. We might be frustrated with one another, but I've never known anyone to be ashamed of it. Nor do I think my conservative family members harbor "evil, selfish desires". I'm a liberal, not Stalin.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to Higher

taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The

self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to Be the

truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by Asking how

she was doing in school.

"self-professed objectivity"? lulz. or perhaps Be LuLz.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and

let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that She was

taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which

left her no time to go out and party like other people She knew. She

didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many

college friends, because she spent all her time studying.

Why was she taken aback? Isn't "how is school going" a fairly normal question?

Her father listened and then asked , 'How is your friend Audrey

doing?' She replied, ' Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are

Easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is

so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited

to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for

classes because she's too hung over.'

Huh. Apparently that's why conservatives hate liberals: we're the life of the party! We're the blondes to their mousy brunettes! We're the cheerleaders to their nerds! Good to know.

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's

office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your

friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and

certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The

daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired

back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really

hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard

work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played

while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to The

Republican party.'

See, this is how conservatives see the poor, the unemployed, the sick, the suffering. The economy imploded and took 9,000,000 jobs with it, but people who need their unemployment insurance extended are like slutty teenage party girls who deserve everything they get. 45,000 people die in this country every year, deaths that were entirely preventable with access to health care, and health care reform is death panels and oh noez! the taxes. Food stamps and WIC are payments to greedy, greedy children who want to eat. Bastards.

After the story comes these little couplets:

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.

If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

It's not that anyone doesn't like guns, it's that I don't think you need a grenade launcher to go hunting. Nor do I think that people who have displayed a propensity for violence with arrests for domestic violence and assault should have access to more efficient ways to hurt people.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat..

If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for


Dude, that's just stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah PETA, but they're not representative of liberals, they're representative of PETA. Oh, and me refusing to eat meat in your presence just to make you comfortable is not some kind of sermon, get over it.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.

If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his

A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

Before I start frothing at the mouth, let me just point out that conservatives don't turn down unemployment or disability or social security, so why don't you STFU and STFD?

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.

Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

So conservatives can boycott Pepsi for being okay with a little gay, but boycotting Glenn Beck is just beyond the pale? Really? How do you live with that level of cognitive dissonance?

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.

A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)

DIAF. I'll provide it for you. I expect this nation to obey the FIRST FUCKING AMENDMENT to that Constitution you people like to fap to, it's not persecution.


  1. Gawd, I can't stand these sort of parables. It's the epitome of bumper sticker thinking.

  2. Dude, that fire wasn't for you! You're using up all the good flames!

  3. Thanks!

    It was the little vignettes at the end that I wanted to see. They were so easily refuted.

    As someone who used to be a conservative, I have to say at the time I really did believe that liberal beliefs were that sort of strawman type stuff and crap like this didn't help things back then.

  4. Thanks for stopping by. I edited my post to include the "cycle" and her ..... By the way, have you watched the YouTube video KID FARM??

  5. Dude, that fire wasn't for you! You're using up all the good flames!

    I couldn't help it! I was expecting a nice, friendly bonfire and I was all ready to warm up my hands. How was I to know it was gonna be one of those fires that get in the news every couple years because it's about to destroy San Diego?

  6. It's hell! You can expect some flames. Actually, you can expect pretty much nothing but flames.

    I also suspect Hopewell has consumed a large portion of my evening with that suggestion.

  7. I've never read that "parable" before, but the first thing it reminded me of was this breathtaking exercise in inanity:

    It's meant to be "parody," and goodness knows I love a good roast as much as the next girl, but it just ends up being ignorant.

    ...You should work your magic on it!

  8. .............

    the perfect counter to that "well, GPA!" is all those kids who DON'T work their asses off for that 4.0 - for all the reasons they don't. in my case, it was easy to have a 4.0 - i read VERY fast, with almost total retention, no need to re-red, etc. but i know several students who got good grades because ...
    well, to be honest, in at least 2 cases they got good grades because their parents said "give him an A or i'm never donating to this school again".

    which doesn't make the point any better - how about all those rich assholes who DIDN'T earn their wealth - which is most of them?


Comments are for you guys, not for me. Say what you will. Don't feel compelled to stay on topic, I enjoy it when comments enter Tangentville or veer off into Non Sequitur Town. Just keep it polite, okay?

I am attempting to use blogger's new comment spam feature. If you don't immediately see your comment, it is being held in spam, I will get it out next time I check the filter. Unless you are Dennis Markuze, in which case you're never seeing your comment.

Creative Commons License
Forever in Hell by Personal Failure is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at