Sex Offenders R Us?

These are the scariest poll results I have seen in a while, concerning sex offenders and the church. Sex offenders, people.

only 29 percent of respondents think church leaders should talk with the police when becoming aware that someone in their church is a former sex offender.

That's right. 71% of respondents think church leaders should sweep sexual abuse under the rug. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

It gets even better than that.

Nearly 80 percent of churchgoers surveyed by Christianity Today International (CTI) said they believe sex offenders belong in the church under appropriate supervision.

Appropriate supervision? You mean the guy that isn't supposed to report known sex offenders? Scary.

One-fourth (26 percent) of respondents think a known ex-offender should be allowed to serve in a leadership position in church.

Even scarier. Sex offenders aren't known for using power positions to victimize people . . . oh, wait, they are.

And what should church leaders do when they become aware a member is a sex offender, since calling the police is out of the question? Oh, you know . . .

Most said church leaders should pray about it (82 percent), talk to elders (76 percent), and/or talk to staff (76 percent). Churchgoers where divided on whether or not the offender’s probation officer should be contacted or a conditional attendance agreement should be drafted – for both responses, 57 percent of respondents agreed.

Why do these people want to expose themselves and their loved ones to avoidable danger? Simple:

The survey also found that nearly 4 in 10 respondents (37 percent) think sex offenders can be completely rehabilitated to the point where they no longer pose a threat to others. A nearly equal number (38 percent) are not sure whether an offender can be rehabilitated or they are not sure about it.

Well, I suppose if you believe the magic man in the sky will help you find your car keys, you'll believe anything. Over here in reality, the recidivism rate for sex offenders is somewhere between 52% and 88.3%, depending upon whom you talk to. Even assuming the more conservative number is true, that means, to abuse statistics a bit, that every other sex offender in your church is going to commit another sex crime. Possibly in your church. Yes, let's allow them free reign over the children's choir.

A Demon Called Schizophrenia

Are you schizophrenic? This man hates you. He also hates music. And gays. And Catholics. And atheists . . .

Ray Comfort has been writing an ongoing series on exorcism, specifically his exorcisms of people that were doubtless using drugs, experiencing seizures or mentally ill- without any effort to make sure these people visited medical professionals. (Who needs medical professionals when you've got Jesus?)

I've been ignoring this, though as a person who suffers from Simple Partial Seizures this series has enraged me to no end*. Please, please, please: if you or someone you love are experiencing any of the symptoms mentioned in Ray's posts, see a doctor. Right away. You or they could be in very big trouble and time may not be on your side. If you want to pray, pray. Just do it at the doctor's office, okay?

This passage, however, was the outside of enough:

Over the next few hours twelve spirits named themselves and came out of her. The first one to leave called itself "Joseph Smith." Jane apparently had contact with Mormonism, and had even been baptized by them. The other spirits named themselves as Mocking, Lying, Deceit, Schizophrenia, False Tongues, Music, Affliction, Soal, Marinda, Strength, and Lucifer (which I would think was a lying spirit). The two that had the greatest stronghold were Strength and Marinda. I commanded, "Marinda, what is your function -- what do you do?"

[emphasis mine]

Schizophrenia is not a demon. It is a disease. It is a disease that affects millions of people, people just like you and me. Those people are suffering from a disease exactly the same way a diabetic is suffering from a disease. Oddly enough, nobody ever feels ashamed to admit that their pancreas isn't working right, while schizophrenics are treated with fear and revulsion every day.

How dare you, Ray?

How fucking dare you?

*Because SPS can cause symptoms like abdominal pain and tachycardia, or just plain weird ass moods, it can be very difficult to get diagnosed. I suffered for a very long time and the treatment is simple: take some pills. They work great. I no longer have to deal with hallucinations. Why that took the better part of decade to work out, I don't know.

The Truth Is Poorly Punctuated

Dear Unbeliever:

HOW CAN YOU KNOW JESUS REALLY IS GOD???

there have been many people who have claimed to be a god and many who claimed they were this or they were that but there Has ONLY BEEN ONE ...that has ever PROVED He was and Is GOD

and of course...That would be Jesus

Well, whatever else belief might do for you, it certainly doesn't improve grammar. Or clarify thought in any way. "there Has ONLY BEEN ONE" had me looking around for a guy with a sword and a poor imitation of a Scottish accent. Then I wept at the use of ellipses.

but let's start with this

hokay.

Ya

Really? "Ya" was so much easier to type than "you" that you just had to go with it? Gah!

get up in the middle of night...You walk into Your Living Room....there is brand new furniture ...Tv, love seat, couch, end tables, carpet, paint ...all stylishly set in place..way beyond your skills

Okay. So I'm totally freaked out right now. I get up, in the middle of the night, to discover that a roving band of decorators has broken into my home and redecorated my living room. (It's the Gay Agenda!) Yeah, I'm calling 911.

would it not be logical to ask "Who did this?" Did all that EVOLVE in the room?

*headdesk* No, it would not be logical to question evolution at this moment. It would be logical to a) change the locks and enjoy your new living room, or b) call the police.

So you start to inquire...Who Put this here?

Yes, I would wonder that. I might also wonder, "Can I get them back here to do the bedroom?"

And so should it be that each and every day as you wake up and see this world, the sunrise, the grass the trees ..the many many gazillion things that are lined up shouting to You that SOMEONE put all those things Here AND shouts for You to ask this following question

who Put You and I here?

Who taught you capitalization and grammar? That's what I would like to know. Then I want that person shipped to Gitmo for crimes against humanity.

If you honestly ask that question? It will lead to want to Know The Answer

Is nothing safe from your misunderstanding of simple punctuation?

Jesus came to this earth ...born of a virgin...lived a sinless life ....peformed many many documented miracles....and testified to all who would Listen that He was and Is and Is to come..that He is The Way, The Truth and the Life and said listen to this...to prove or authenticate my message to You Unbeliever and all the World...

Okay, "documented" does not mean what you think it means. If documentation does mean that, then I would like to use this opportunity to document that I spent the weekend raising the dead.

I will take the Sins of all mankind upon Me...You will kill me BUT three days later I will be Alive Again and He that Believes upon Me will NEVER Perish but live eternally

I'm assuming this is no longer the "writer" talking. This thing has more perspective shifts than a Twilight fanfic. (Still better than the real thing.)

And that's exactly what happened...2,000 years ago, Jesus Christ was Hung on a Cross for the Sins of the Whole World, It was a brutal event and one of great documentation, But NOT Only did Jesus Christ die, He did something ELSE...

Documentation does not mean that! Stop it!

While an armed guard stood watch over his gravesite...Jesus walked out of that guarded area three days later, JUST AS HE SAID HE WOULD and that empty tomb shouts a message for the whole world to hear...JESUS IS LORD OF LORDS AND KING OF ALL KINGS AND HE IS YOUR CREATOR

I can has proof?

So there you have it Unbeliever...a very simple message..I could sit here and debate for hours but It all boils down to this....You are Alive!!! and Your life is a gift that was given to You by a Loving Creator...Who made you to wake up and ask "who put me Here? then through seeking to find the Answer You would realize that His Name is JESUS....all of Creation and an Empty Tomb Testify He is GOD"

No, you couldn't debate this for hours, unless by debate you mean "assault with bad grammar and punctuation."

Unbeliever, I pray you Hear these words and Believe them and I pray you take the next step....the Bible says If You believe in Your Heart that Jesus Christ died and then three days later rose from the Grave and You confess that Faith out loud to someone ..anyone ...You will be SAVED....WILL YOU????!"

No. No, I will not accept poorly punctuated and creatively capitalized assertions of fact as evidence of anything.

Good luck next time.

Double Your Fun!

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Yeah, Those Helicopters Are For Me- News at 10!

That's what was buzzing my house for about an hour yesterday. Apparently, they know.

I clicked on 4 Types of Women Men Avoid voluntarily, so I suppose I deserve what I get, but then again, so does the author when I find him.

Getting involved with certain women has irreversible ramifications that can eventually cause interference with the simple joys of life, like the Rose Bowl or the World Series, for instance. Instead of the NBA Finals, it will be Breakfast at Wimbledon and a day of shopping with your future mother-in-law.

Hardeharhar! Cuz teh wimmenz like teh shopping and not teh sports! Ur so funny!

There are different types of women who should be avoided at all costs.

Serial killers? We should probably all avoid serial killers. Oooh, maybe it's Anne Coulter or Sarah Palin. No, don't be silly. It's women with children and women without children and cougars!

By comparing your dates to certain female Hollywood icons, you can quickly identify these potentially problematic partners on your next date.

Cuz all women are alike. Really, there's no individuality to vaginas with legs.

1. The Zellweger

Renee Zellweger provides a case study for men to learn from about the type of woman to avoid.

Nice, hard working loyal women who totally love you and look slammin' in a sheath dress? Well, I can see why you'd want to avoid that!

Her character on Jerry Maguire is waiting patiently for a man to enter her home, wield her child

um, "wield" her child? How does one "wield" a child? Is it more like wielding a rapier or wielding a broadsword?

and discover his inner father before he even becomes one. The lovable son is too young to realize you're not his real dad, but he soon will.

Other people's children suck! Run away!

What the movie does not show is the United States Marine husband who is serving his third tour in Iraq. He'll soon be bringing the war to all those pretty boys who hung around while he was gone, including you.

Um, was that some deleted scene from Jerry Maguire I missed? I don't remember that. Oh, that's because it didn't happen. But all women are cheating whores just waiting to unleash a soldier with PTSD and a Desert Eagle on your ass!

2. The Jolie

Her mysteriousness exudes a tortured, creative secret that you simply must uncover, but be advised: The Angelina Jolie type is a mess. She looks like a piece of wonderment, and there's something about her copious tattoos that attracts you. The appeal of the Jolie type is strange, though: Add chewing tobacco and she would look like a superhot, female version of your mechanic.

Who's your mechanic?

She is adventurous, has a wild side and is comfortable riding a motorcycle, but eventually her depression will roll over like a herd of bloated cattle in your living room.

A what?! That's the stupidest simile I've ever heard, and I've been to poetry.com.

Her obsession with death and Gothic astrology

Gothic astrology? Do you know what "Gothic" means?

will quickly violate all holy days, like Monday Night Football.

CUZ GIRLZ DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL! Apparently, I'm not a girl. If you tried to get between me and football, I would nailgun you to the floor.

For you, this will be an emotional, emasculating loss.

I'm pretty sure you actually have to have a penis to be emasculated, buddy.

3. The Bancroft

A woman has the best chance of conceiving before 35, so time is important to her.

ALL WIMMENZ WANT TEH BAYBEEZ!

If you are a young man, understanding her urgency will be nearly impossible. A younger man will always feel rushed by an older woman. Hollywood has depicted the older woman and the younger man as a wonderful excursion into sexual fantasy. This is true only if the involvement with the older woman is kept strictly as an affair.

Use her for her vagina lest she use you for your precious, precious sperm! Do not love the woman over 20- she will eat your soul!

If she is much older and has children, rest assured that her adult children are already too old to care about you. If the woman is only five years your senior, listen for a ticking sound beating in her head, like in "The Tell-Tale Heart."

BAYBEEeEEEeEEEEZ!!!1!!eleventy!!!

By age 30, if she has invested any time into you, the ultimatums are secretly being loaded like torpedoes.

Secretly loaded torpedoes?

Prepare to issue countermeasures.

What are the countermeasures to secretly loaded torpedoes? Bloated cows?

Hot on the heels of the marriage ultimatum will be the request for children.

TEH EVUL!!!!!!!

It will actually be more like a papal decree to Catholics.

Easily ignored?

If you can keep an older woman as a fling and make sure her children are all in college, then enjoy the ride. Otherwise, break it off while you can.

The ride. Hahahahahaha!

4. The Curie

Her intelligence fascinated you from the start, but wait until Marie Curie deconstructs you with her triple-major, PhD-educated mind.

Yeah, that's right, when a woman can make change without a calculator, it's hot, but when she starts thinking? Ew.

The scientist/psych major/accountant can't help but put you into logical boxes. She will dissect you and examine you from oblique perspectives, using ratios and quantum physics to weigh the pros and cons of all your flaws.

Because educated people have no souls. We can't love. We're like androids. And not awesome androids that costar with Will Smith, we're evil androids. Evil, deconstructing, oblique, quantum androids with logical boxes. In which we store ratios.

Around her apartment will be little notes, data-flow diagrams and pie charts outlining your personality qualities

.

It's rude to leave those out, ladies. Put them back in your logical boxes. (If you're dating this guy, you'll need to rent a storage space.)

These will be mostly negative, but don't worry, she also has a five-year project outline that will ensure your "improvement."

People expecting me to eat with utensils, hah!

Your love for the Miami Dolphins will be viewed as the manifestation of childhood guilt from the time you saw your father naked.

WOMEN AND SPORTS! HURDEHURDEHURDEHUR!

Sex in this relationship will be deconstructed and analyzed until your desire becomes as flat and lifeless as the university degrees she has hanging on her bedroom wall.

Intelligence means nothing if your vagina isn't porny enough.

Nobody's perfect, but…

Two rules to follow in your search for a girlfriend are: If she's cool and has no baggage, go for it.

So, 12. You want a 12-year-old. Okay there, pedobear.

The other rule is: No woman is perfect, but at the very least, avoid the Gothic senior citizen who comes equipped with children and four degrees in psychology.

You, sir, can feel free to go back to fapping in front of your computer to amateur porn. The rest of us will be over here treating each other like human beings.

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