Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Be Careful What You Wish For

I just know I'm going to end up snarking on something when the title makes me giggle.

My Spouse Struggles with Homosexuality from Focus on the Family

No, your spouse is gay, which is certainly unfortunate, unless you're in a same sex marriage, in which case, that's exactly what you wanted.

One of seven children, Paula was raised on the mission field. She witnessed her parents live by faith and sacrifice a normal family life and worldly possessions for the sake of the gospel. She grew up following their example of loving Jesus and committing her life to Him in service. In Bible College she met Steven. He, too, had a fervent and growing faith. The two of them fell in love and embarked on a life-long journey together in ministry.

Why is it that if a woman works, it's so horrible that she's sacrificing her to daycare, but raising your children on the mission field (i.e., in a third world country without clean water or health care) is just fantastic?

Paula never saw it coming. At the time, Steven was the beloved senior pastor of a 1,000 member church. They had a 7 year-old daughter. Paula says there were no outward signs that pointed to a homosexual struggle in Steven, just a growing uneasy feeling inside of her. Paula held Steven up before the Lord and prayed fervently that God would reveal what was wrong with her husband. She believes that God told her through prayer that Steven struggled with homosexuality.

Um, wow. It's bad enough when someone decides your cheating on them due to a misinterpreted phone call, email or encounter, can you imagine your spouse deciding that you must be cheating based on what god told them during prayer? Of course, in her case, she probably noticed that Steven spend more time checking out other men's asses than other women's asses, but still.

Her worst fears were confirmed when Steven was spotted in a gay bar. Paula's world collapsed.

I feel bad for Paula- and Steven. This is what fundamentalist Christianity, the kind that FotF promotes, does to people. Neither Paual nor Steven would have been in this position if religion hadn't convinced Steven to pretend to be something he's not. Steven could have married some nice man that he was actually sexually attracted to, and Paula could have married some nice man that was actually sexually attracted to her. Everybody would have been happy, but no, that's not what Christianity is about.

Perhaps you have an uneasy, sick feeling that something is wrong with your marriage. Perhaps communication has broken down between the two of you and you suspect infidelity. And perhaps you have discovered questionable e-mail, or sexually explicit ads pop up when you're surfing the internet.

Sexually explicit ads popping up when you're online is a sign that you are online.

Pam Burnett realized something was amiss when her husband began spending more and more time away from home, distancing himself from her and the kids. She says he also took up running and started to pay an inordinate amount of attention to his physical appearance.

Oh, those silly gays and their always looking good! That is, btw, the symptom of any affair, hetero or gay. People having affairs want to look good for their lovers, no matter what sex they are.

But for Pam, Paula and others there could have been red flags all along. In his book When Homosexuality Hits Home, Joe Dallas says that many women are attracted to the sensitivity, astute communication skills, vulnerability and easily expressed emotions that often embody temperament commonly found in homosexual men. And that the lack of sexual aggression first seen as a desirable trait may just be a lack of normal sexual interest.

Well now that's interesting. The reason a lack of sexual interest (aggression is a bit disturbing in this context) is seen as a positive to these people is because fundyism is so obsessed with female virginity. Contrary to popular fundy belief, however, women do have an interest in sex and do enjoy sex, therefore maintaining virginity is very difficult. Hence the rather high teen mother/abortion statistics in the fundy community. So, if you're in this community and don't want to fall prey to temptation, it makes absolute sense to seek out men who are not interested in sex. Especially considering that sex is generally made out to be an embarrassing, dirty, evil thing. If that's what you think of sex, you wouldn't want a man interested in sex. To be honest, I think the percentage of women in fundyland married to men who have no sexual interest in them- or any other woman- is pretty high.

Of course, it wouldn't be FotF if they didn't imply that positive traits, like sensitivity, astute communication skills, vulnerability and easily expressed emotions, are gay/womanly and traits that men shouldn't have. That's right, boys, do you express emotion easily, are you able to open up to the woman you love? Well that's because you're gay.

At Focus on the Family we regularly hear from women who fall into lesbianism when emotionally unhealthy relationships with other women become sexualized.

Because women aren't born liking women, we "fall into lesbianism", probably because of trauma.

Mike knows the pain involved in finding his wife involved with another woman. "Jane still lived in the house with me and the kids, but she became someone I didn't know. The sweet girl I married became a creature of deep, seething, unpredictable rage. We fought loud and often. She worked long hours and often didn't come home. She began a 'ministry' at the gay bar three blocks from the hospital where she was charge nurse." Jane's unrest at home, and unresolved issues from her past, deteriorated into submersion into the gay lifestyle.

Bingo! Jane wasn't gay, she has resolved issues from her past. She's also seething and unpredictable and filled with rage. A "creature", in fact.

Let's see how we can tell if our spouses are gay:

In addition to the ominous feeling that something is wrong, there are a number of telltale signs that your partner might be struggling with same-sex attraction or having a homosexual affair:

None of these indicate homosexuality, what they do indicate is any affair. I guess screwing the nanny is okay as long as your nanny isn't gay.

  1. Growing emotional distance between you and your spouse
  2. Decreased sexual interest in you over time
  3. Behavior that does not add up; inconsistencies in details
  4. Withdrawn, depressed, moody, outbursts of anger
  5. Spend late nights or great amounts of time on the internet
  6. Internet web browser history lists unusual sites
  7. Preoccupation with physical appearance that has nothing to do with you
  8. Eyes meet with those of strangers in public
  9. Claims of working long hours at work or periods of unaccounted time
  10. Secretive with the cell phone. Looks for incoming calls at odd hours.
  11. Becomes defensive when you ask questions about time or whereabouts
  12. Unexplained payments on bank statements.
  13. Asks about your schedule more than usual
  14. Phone records disappear, bank and credit card statements redirected to work address

Now that you've hung a label on your suspicions, you may be feeling a deep sense of betrayal, sorrow, and fear. It's time to confront your spouse and find out the truth.

I wonder how many very interesting conversations are happening in fundy households right now.


  1. I love that list. Everything on it could easily just be your basic, garden-variety affair with a member of the opposite sex.

    Also, what's an "unusual site?" on teh intarwebs? I mean, I spend no small amount of time at websites dedicated to the preservation of battleships, which is a bit unusual. Then there's that website with all the cool painted BattleTech miniatures, which is pretty unusual.

    And, seriousy, "Eyes meet with strangers in public." What. The. Fuck? My eyes meet with strangers in public all the feckin' time. And I can guarantee you that I'm not having affairs with the people with whom my eyes meet. For one thing, if you're single you can't have an affair (technically, you could be the other person in an affair, but I digress). For another, I'm not having sex with said strangers.

    Focus on the Family. What a bunch of batshit morons.

  2. Eyes meet with those of strangers in public

    What the hell?

    PF, my blood pressure couldn't handle your surfing habits... ;)

  3. Also, now that I think about it, this entire post is ripe for a sitcom plot. You know the one: oafish, bumbling suburban husband married to improbably hot wife has spent the last ten years forgetting her birthday and otherwise blowing every important occasion while she just looks on with an exasperated half-smile and never seems to think, "Maybe it's about time to get a divorce." For some reason I'm seeing Jim Belushi or Andy Richter in this role (although it could be because Jim Belushi was in a terrible sitcom where he played that exact role). Either way, this year the oafish husband finally figures out what to do for his long-suffering wife for her birthday and knows that this will make up for a decade of suffering. So he starts sneaking around and making all of the necessary arrangements in secret.

    Wife reads this article on the Focus on the Family website and starts to think, "Oh, no, he's having an affair with another man," and starts trying to follow him around. Finally she figures out where she can surprise him and his new gay lover.

    Wife cleverly hides, jumps out at the right moment and says, "Ah ha! I knew you were having an affair with another man," only to find all of her friends and loved ones standing there, shocked. Long-suffering wife now looks like the foolish one because she screwed up this one great moment in a lifetime of moments ruined by the selfish, oafish stupidity of her husband.


    Also, it just occurred to me for the first time that this really is the set up of a lot of those sitcoms. The Men's Rights morons like to focus on the bit where all men are made to look like oafish morons, but somehow the husband gets off scot-free thousands of times while the wife has to get reminded of that one time she totally screwed up. Hooray!

  4. The problem with those women whose husbands turn gay is that they didn't pray enough!


  5. "many women are attracted to the sensitivity, astute communication skills, vulnerability and easily expressed emotions that often embody temperament commonly found in homosexual men."

    Crap. I find out I'm attractive to "many women" in one breath* and in the next learn I'm probably gay. And here I thought being sexually attracted to guys had something to do with it.

    *Well, okay, 2.5 out of 4: I don't have astute communication skills and my emotions only come out around people I know.

  6. "Sexually explicit ads popping up when you're online is a sign that you are online."

    Thanks for that, now there's soda snorted on my monitor that I need to clean off.

  7. The problem with those women whose husbands turn gay is that they didn't pray enough!

    I knew women were at fault for men's homosexuality somehow...

  8. I knew women were at fault for men's homosexuality somehow...

    Just ask Ted Haggard's wife...


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