Thursday, February 24, 2011

And Then It Hit Me

Needless to say (really, I'm only saying this for the furreners who follow my blog), the lawyers at this firm are hardcore Republicans*. Because of its positioning, my cubical is the automatic meeting place of the office. (Why yes, I do find this endlessly annoying.) So all day long I get to here Republican rants about welfare queens and Obama care and socialism and Obamunists and the END OF THE WORLD!!1!!eleventy!!

Don't kid yourself, even mainstream Republican ideology is disturbingly tea-flavored these days.

Anyway, today I got to hear uberChristian, car dealership owning, estate management of counsel** say that he had advised his teenage daughters to move to Australia, because "that's the only chance they'll have with what Obama is doing to this country."

I actually opened my mouth to ask him why, if he was so damn serious about this, he didn't pick up and move to Australia*** himself, and then it hit me.

He isn't worried about what Obama is doing to this country. Obama isn't really doing much at all. What of counsel is worried about is what he and his Republican brethren have done, and continue to do, to this country. They deregulated everything they could and gave us the Almost Depression and food recalls and jobs overseas. They lowered taxes on themselves and their buddies and now we have a deficit you have to use scientific notation to calculate. They started two wars "for freedom" or some fucking thing and propped up dictators around the world- dictators that are now losing power and that doesn't look good for us, now does it?

Now they're defunding Planned Parenthood, because who needs pap smears or breasts exams, and trying to turn miscarriages into crime scenes.

If I were him, I wouldn't want my daughters living in the world I helped create either. Of course, of counsel doesn't want to leave, he's not a woman and he's already got all his wealth, but his daughters, yeah, halfway around the world probably isn't far enough away.

*With the notable exception being the associate who didn't even start law school until 40, because that's how long it took him to save up the money waiting tables. He's as socialist as you can be and still be a lawyer who helps banks foreclose on people's homes. People are weird.

**I don't really know what "of counsel" means. He's on the letterhead, but he doesn't report to the partners, he has his own staff and he pays rent for the offices he uses, but he uses the same phone system . . . I dunno.

***I desperately want to visit Australia. I have internet friends there, my grandfather wanted to move there he loved it so much, but . . . spiders. Spiders big enough to pack Uzis, not that they need to. They're probably looking in my direction right now. While eating a horse.


  1. Actually, in Australia they ride the spiders to work - much like people in Texas do with their horses. The saddles are a bit different, but the principle is much the same. You haven't lived 'til you've seen someone tie the reins of their spider to the hitching post in front of an elementary school.

  2. New Zealand has fewer spiders. I'm saving up to move there.

  3. You make a very good point about the repubs, but you used the forbidden word "Australia" and now there's no chance this thread is going to be about anything else for the forseeable future.

    You should totally come over here, especially since you've mentioned you're not fond of the cold. After one summer here you'll be seriously wishing for it.

    And don't worry about the spiders, they're not as bad as you've heard: the Uzi's are small ones, and they can't aim for shit. You'll be fine. (seriously, though, they're not as common or as large or as relentlessly-evil super-fast giant face-hugging acid-spitting monsters as we've convinced the tourists they are. The snakes, on the other hand...)

    Wrenching myself back on topic, I recently discovered that the majority of my co-workers a) don't believe in climate change [*smak*, hit over the head by another tropical cyclone], and b) at least one of them denies evolution [yes, in Australia, aka. Evolution Central. One of our capital cities is "Darwin." We. Have. Koala's]. I've worked with them for 3 years and did not know this before now, and it makes me slightly uncomfortable. In other words, I recently caught a glimpse of the abyss you live in.

    I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. [/David Tennant]

  4. Michael Mock has made me afraid of elementary schools and Australians, the people.

    And snakes? My husband has his recording studio in the basement. If you've never seen a recording studio, it involves a lot of cables, all black and the same thickness, so there's just black cables everywhere, along the floor, under furniture, dripping off the back of the desk.

    One day, he yells for me in a very strange tone, so I come running. He then points to a cluster of cables under his desk and says, "I just saw one of those cables move." I make fun of him, watch the cluster of cables for a while and start to leave, when I see it move, too.

    There was snake, the exact size and color of the cables hiding in the cables. It could have been there for weeks.

    I spent 4 hours the next day wrapping each and every cable in neon pink and purple tape.

  5. "I spent 4 hours the next day wrapping each and every cable in neon pink and purple tape."

    Oh no! PF, you could be attracting the deadly Purple-striped Neon Burrowing Viper! One bite from it and you slowly become more and more flamboyant and camp, until you lose youself completely and run off to join the Faaaabulous Ghay Menace! And then you die.

    I recommend you evacuate the studio and flood it with a combination of Ranch-grown texas buffalo steak, testosterone, and Jesus (aka crackers, preferably horrible tasteless ones).

    Or you could just seal it off and throw homophobes down there. It's fun listening at the door as the screams slowly become more and more effeminate/butch depending on gender. Err... not that I would know. Because I would never do something so horrible. And I certainly don't have a fabulous basement deliberately set up for exactly that purpose. Nosiree.

  6. I'm pretty sure Australia's purpose is to evolve the organism that offs the human race one by one. Just Google "dangerous animals in" and wait for the autofill to immediately give you AUSTRALIA. Of the 10 most dangerous snakes, eight are from AUSTRALIA.

    Even the koalas mostly have chlamydia, which, while not necessarily lethal, will eventually stop humans from procreating.

    Yes, Australia is out to get us.

  7. I saw a film on Australia on a ginormous IMAX screen with my kids. I never knew that when the monsoons deposit enough rain the water flows into the center of the continent and creates temporary lakes.

    In terms of Socialists working for blood sucking corporations, my college buddy was as big a dogooder as me. He currently works for an nasty insurance company.

  8. @CynicalNymph
    Even the koalas mostly have chlamydia, which, while not necessarily lethal, will eventually stop humans from procreating.

    To quote Stephen Colbert: "Who's been f***ing the koalas?"

  9. As a pro-spider feminist, I think you should know that the spiders of the world are on our side. Spiders take no shit from the patriarchy. There is no such thing as coercive sex in spiderville, that shit gets you eaten. Equality or death, basically. Arachnids are hardcore.

  10. ppbloggers, I just caught myself looking for a "like" button.

  11. as did i - previously, my praise of arachnids was confined to the fact that they EAT INSECTS [and i'm so bugophobic, i run in terror from MOTHS]

    i've long wondered when Repubs were going to wake up, at least in terms of their OWN CHILDREN. the shit they do, it makes me cry - and i just can't...

    look, poor fucking Bristol, if her mom hadn't all the sudden been RUNNING FOR VP, she'd almost definately been allowed an abortion [if she wanted one]. at one point, the girl ACTUALLY SAID that BC was a good idea - and then her mom showed up, and we haven't heard anything like it again
    {I ACTUALLY WATCHED that whole season of Dancing With the Stars BECAUSE Bristol was on. she won 3rd place, because every fucking Repub in the WORLD voted for her... knocking out Brandy, when Brandy should have gone to 2nd place, and Kyle 3rd... bcuz Jennifer Grey deserved 1st. erm. anyway]


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