Monday, January 17, 2011

Christian Sex Secrets!

The 5 Best Kept Christian Secrets to the Best Sex Ever.

Just the title makes me giggle. Some people need to back away from the King James and get with the modern English already. Honestly,if Yoda wrote a sexy article for Cosmo, this would be the title. According to that title, these aren't necessarily the best secrets, just best kept secrets.

I know you're expecting, based on this title, some sort of how to guide on various uses of taint, a la Cosmo*, and if so, you're bound to be disappointed. There aren't even secrets here, just bashing of nonChristians, which admittedly does seem to be something of a fetish for fundys.

You have probably heard it already. Christians have AMAZING sex lives.

No, I have not heard that. Ever.

Those who aren’t followers of Christ often ask, “Why do Christians have such miraculous sex lives? What is their secret?”

No, no they do not. Stop lying.

Actually, there are FIVE secrets. Since a number of my readers aren’t Christians, I thought it was just about time that one of us Christians shared the five best kept Christian secrets to the BEST SEX EVER with the world.

Gee, thanks.

Ever wonder why Christians look so happy and contented and at peace with the world all the time?

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! At peace with the world?! Happy and contented?! What alternate reality are you writing this from, Hallee? Fundys can't shut the fuck up about homosexuals and sin and abortion and sin and health care and sin and welfare and sin. What part of that is happy, contented or at peace? You want happy, contented and at peace, follow the Dalai Lama on twitter. Never a mean word out of that man.

It isn’t a mystery. When Christians use these five methods, they have the BEST SEX EVER!

And when they don't use the five methods, they don't? I guess that explains all the bitching and moaning?

Best of all, there is no fee for this information. Certified sex therapists, sexologists, or some other sex expert “sexpert” would likely charge hundreds of dollars per session and possibly never reveal all fiveof the secrets I intend to share.

Honestly, I have no idea what actual professional do or don't do or how much they charge, but fuck them!

I am sure that the self-help YOU CAN DO IT YOU HAVE THE POWER WITHIN YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH SMART ENOUGH BIG ENOUGH secular humanist seminars never reveal the truth of these secrets.

lol wut? She has no idea what sex therapists do with their time, and no idea what secular humanists do with their time, why should I listen to her about anything else?

In fact, I can think of at least three well known personalities in our culture who are regarded as sex experts, or “sexperts,” who hand out the absolute OPPOSITE of what I am about to tell you in at least three out of the five categories, thus undermining any possibility that you may ever get to experience the BEST SEX EVER should you follow their plainly specious advice.

Hallee, you are the comedic gift that keeps on giving.

One of the main reasons that Christians have such amazing sex lives is because we realize and accept that we are created beings. This partly accounts for the fact that Christian book stores carry such groundbreaking titles as The Sexual Man, The Secrets of Eve, Crazy Good Sex, Turn Up the Heat, Sheet Music, Intended for Pleasure, The Language of Sex, and The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women. We believe that we aren’t here by simple happenstance luck of the draw chance or random accident. We know, rather, that we were designed by God. He designed our souls, our minds, and our bodies for His purpose.

And his purpose is to watch us have sex! Also, Sheet Music is an awesome title for a book about sex. Intended for Pleasure, however, sounds like a rape fantasy bodice ripper involving pirates who are secretly noblemen and slave wenches who are secretly noblewomen.

Also, we believe that we are ALL sons and daughters of Adam and Eve. Christians do not buy into hateful racism such as that which Darwinists advocate as members of the “Favoured Races.” We see nothing at all wrong or even scandalous about so-called “interracial” relationships because there is simply no such thing. We were ALL created of one blood by our Creator, every tribe and every nation. We are all of the race of Adam.

Um, sure. She doesn't know what the Theory of Evolution states, either. Big shocker, that. Also, there are no racist Christians anywhere. At all. Ever. In other news, I have a lovely bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.

it is clear that God modeled the marriage relationship to be the earthly model of the exact same kind of intimacy that He wants to have with us, His creations.

In the context of this post, EW!

Secular relationships are often much less about understanding and intimacy and much more about adversity and struggle or manipulation and betrayal.

Really? I did not know that. Thanks for sharing.

Secular relationships often involve a high degree of mistrust and disrespect.

I did not know that, either. I guess I'm just in denial about my relationship that I am in that she has no knowledge of.

Attaining personal fulfillment is assigned a higher value than fulfilling the wants, needs, and desires of your lover. Ultimately, this is a self-centered and selfish relationship that glorifies only “self” and objectifies the person you are having sex with — in fact making an opponent of the person you are having sex with — instead of becoming “one flesh” with your spouse as described in scripture over and over and over again.

What the fuck would you know about that, Hallee? And how do you explain that atheists have a lower rate of divorce than fundamentalists? Manipulation and betrayal are apparently good for marriages.

Very often, secular relationships lack any real emotional bond which means the BEST SEX EVER simply can never be obtained. In the Christian context, it can only be obtained when that emotional and spiritual bond exists in your marriage.

Hi, I'm Hallee and I just pull stuff out of my ass and call it truth.

Listen. Christian morality, and especially with regard to sexual morality, is actually very similar to what we used to call common sense morality. One does not really need to be a Christian to understand why certain sexual practices are, for lack of a more appropriate word, wrong. Christians differ from non-Christians not so much in the understanding of what is moral and immoral as in their commitment to trying to always do what is moral. Believe me. Christians still suffer from temptation and the desires of the flesh.

Hi, I'm Hallee, and I can't see Christian privilege when it smacks me in the face. Also, I'm rude and judgmental!

So, with all of that, what are the Five Best Kept (but not necessarily best) Secrets to the BEST SEX EVER?

1. Purity.

Gee, I hope you weren't expecting all that to change your life. All that buildup for No Homo, Close your doors, buy some flowers, shop at Target and no ring no whoopee. Whooo.

*Cosmo: "grab the hair on his testicles and give it a firm pull". (Direct quote, not making that up.) My husband: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Don't even think about it!"


  1. I didn't click through, but I moused over the link, and... all this comes from somebody who calls herself "Hallee The Homemaker"? Seriously?

    'Cause let me tell you, when I want advice on how to have the BEST SEX EVAH, the first person I'm going to talk to is a self-described "homemaker"... especially one who (I don't doubt) prides herself on the fact that she doesn't have a wide variety of sexual experience. After that, I shall go to that fellow down the hall whose diet consists entirely of hamburgers and tacos, and ask him for advice on cooking. To finish my day, I'll head down to the used car lot and ask the salesman whether I need to replace my car, and if so, with what.

    What could possibly go wrong?

  2. "Certified sex therapists, sexologists, or some other sex expert 'sexpert'"

    Because if she would have just said "sexpert" we wouldn't have known such a person was a "sex expert."

  3. Three things:

    1. I can't decide if I should be less willing to take sex or writing advice from this person. Her lack of one skill is underscored by lack of the other.

    2. Isn't this technically an 8 point list? "Target, talk and time" looks a lot like a three point idea. Unless, of course, I'm adding in an Oxford comma by force of habit and "talk and time" is only one thing.

    3. Cosmo actually suggests firmly tugging on the hair on a dude's testicles during sex? Gahh. I'm officially curious about all those sex advice articles in women's magazines, since if that's one, I don't want to know what else they have. But it seems like something I should be aware of. Just in case.


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