Grieving. Tasteful grieving.
My boss' mother died two days ago, after a protracted illness. (And being in her late 90s.) She left her son, my boss, written instructions as to her funeral, and by "written instructions", I mean a 10 page typed document detailing the exact colours of the flowers, naming the pallbearers and exactly which direction she wanted the coffin to face.
It got me thinking, what do I want in a funeral? On the one hand, I won't really be there, on the other, funerals are such a depressing bore, and I like to think I'm not. So, since the internet is written in ink*, I thought I'd detail my wishes.
1. I want to be cremated. People look curiously . . . slack . . . once they are dead, and I don't want that to be anyone's last memory of me. I want my ashes distributed to everyone (who wouldn't be entirely freaked out by it) and I want those people to spread my ashes somewhere nice. The ocean, a little urban park, a fabulous accessories shop in France, whatever. I also wouldn't be averse to someone passing off a piece of my femur as the relic of a saint, but it's not necessary.
2. No flowers. Once you pick flowers, they are dead. I hate receiving flowers as a gift, it's like handing me death. I'd much rather receive a bunch of tulip bulbs. Then I could plant them in my front yard and have pretty flowers every spring. So, either distribute bulbs to my mourners or nothing.
3. Dancers. I want dancers, like Britney Spears' backup dancers, dancing behind the people giving eulogies. I like dancing.
4. No prayers, no quoting from holy books. Unless it is the Enuma Elish. In the original Akkadian.
5. Fireworks. Hell, yeah!
6. Bring your kids. I want them loaded up with caffeinated beverages, sugary snacks and loud toys. If they aren't screaming like banshees on a meth bender by the end of my funeral, you have failed me.
7. Music. Funeral music is wholly depressing, if there even is any. I want Trent Reznor and Saul Williams to perform at my funeral, but in lieu of that, at least try to get a New Orleans marching band.
8. No black. I wear black- as a backdrop to make colour pop! Please don't dig some boring black dress/suit out of the back of your closet. Wear colour. Purple, orange, crimson, teal, green, whatever, just wear it.
9. Free food. No celebration is complete without a buffet. I want people to pause in their grieving to exclaim "Are those lobster rolls?!" Remember me as I lived, people- for free food.
So, should I precede anyone reading this, please, make it so.
*Yes, I finally saw The Social Network. First of all, "acting" does not mean "clench your jaw for 2 hours". Secondly, the score (by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross) makes that movie significantly more dramatic than it otherwise would be. By far.