Dr: We need to test the function of your gallbladder.Me: Okay.Dr.: We can't do it right now, you'll have to schedule it later.Me: Okay. So what does that involve?Dr.: They'll inject a nuclear dye into your gallbladder to make it spasm-Me: Wait, wait, wait. Isn't spasming what's going on right now? That's what's causing the pain, right?Dr.: Well, yes, but we need to see-Me: So you expect me to walk into a room knowing that I'm going to leave feeling like this, only without the dilaudid and the toridol?Dr.: Well, yes, but in order to-Me: Just how many different kinds of crazy do you think I am?
Seriously, how do you say that to someone? "Hey, I've got a great opportunity for you to deliberately feel the sort of pain that makes you beg for death! Sign up now!" Um, no, I'd rather not.
Conversation 2 (after 4 shots of dilaudid and 2 of toridol):
Dr.: If we can't get your pain under control, we'll have to admit you.Me: And do what?Dr.: What?Me: What are you going to do on the 8th floor that you aren't doing here?Dr.: Um, well, we can work on controlling the pain.Me: You just gave me enough dilaudid to knock out an elephant, does the dilaudid work better the higher up you are?Dr.: No.Me: I can't sleep on dilaudid. I can't stop grinding my teeth on dilaudid. I'd like to go home, wait for the dilaudid to wear off and sleep in my comfortable bed with my pillow that smells like me. I don't see how being in some overly bright room with some roommate who wants to watch Fox News at top volume would be any better.Dr.: I can't release you with uncontrolled pain. It's against hospital regulations and it's unethical.Me: and I have insurance, so those things matter, I suppose. My pain's all gone now, get this IV out and send me home.
Really, pain? Don't make me laugh. Me and pain are old friends, the kind that can't stand each other anymore, but we've been together so long we don't know what else to do. Ethics? Every doctor I've ever seen undertreats my pain deliberately because they're scared of the DEA or they think I'm lying, but all of a sudden undertreating pain is unethical? Like you'd care if I didn't have insurance? Fuck off.