[trigger warning: food porn enjoy this otter instead]
I've been on my special no-more-gallbladder-explosions diet since Friday (we already had the week's food bought when I found out I had biliary dyskinesia). So far, so good. Lots of vegetables and fruits, lots of low fat, my gallbladder seems happy. I have even have my insomnia back*.
I was doing okay until Sunday, less than a week after I spent all night in an ER, in pain. On my way to buy dog food (Beneful Playful Life, I spoil that animal rotten) I saw them: Cadbury Mini Eggs. Sweet, crispy candy shell covering smooth, delicious chocolate. Only available three months of the year. Perfection. I'll eat an entire seven ounce bag myself, in one sitting. Actually, I'll eat an entire two pound bag myself, in one sitting.
There is a perfect way to eat Cadbury Mini Eggs. You hold them in your mouth until the shell cracks under the slightest pressure of your tongue, then you suck off the crispy shell and let the chocolate just melt on your tongue. The crackle of the sweet shell, the smooth, melted chocolate . . .
That's right, I'm on the fifth day of my diet and I'm already writing food porn. I can't imagine what I'll be doing in a month, masturbating to the cooking channel?
The problem is, at first, the pain was a fantastic motivator. The memory of it, fresh in my mind, pulsating from my back, punching through to my front, forcing tears to roll down my cheeks, was plenty enough to make me walk away from that chocolate perfection. Even now, with the memory of the pain fading, the fact that I did go to the hospital is enough motivation. I live 100% of my life in some kind of pain or another, it really has to be epic to force me to the ER at 11pm.
But in a month? Six months? A year? I doubt it. By then, the pain will be a distant memory, too far away to affect my behavior at all. By then, I'll think that Cadbury Mini Eggs are totally worth it. I won't think that when they set off another attack, but by then it'll be too late.
So why do people do that? Why do people eat fatty foods when it will give them a heart attack? Why do people stop taking their medication when it means a relapse into a psychotic state? Why do diabetics eat doughnuts?
That's why. For the same reason you went back to your exboyfriend three times. Sure, the first time you dated him, you didn't know, but after the first five times he cheated on you? After the hundredth time he lied to you? You knew better. Then time passed, and the memory of the pain faded and you were lonely and there you go. Doing the stupidest thing you could. Knowing damn well it's stupid, but convincing yourself it's totally worth it.
For the same reason you went to a bar to watch the Sunday doubleheader, and stayed to drink with your buddies, even though you knew you had work the next day, knew you'd be paying for it in pain and vomiting. You did it anyway.
You already know why schizophrenics stop taking their meds. It's not some kind of mystery. You already know why I'll eat that chocolate, even though it'll land me in the hospital. You do it, too. You just don't end up in surgery because of it, or shouting random nonsense about the CIA planting chips in your brain. This doesn't make you any better, it just makes you luckier.
*My healthy is not quite your healthy.