Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Is There a Third Option?

hilarious- but only if you get the reference

I've decided that there is no description of Heaven that is going to make the concept appealing to me. Every single time I read a description of Heaven, I think, "Why would I want to go there? That sounds awful!" or "For all eternity? Forever and ever and ever? No, thanks." Case in point:

While I was doing this two random thoughts popped in my head about social
life in heaven. The first one is something Im sure we all deal with everyday
especially those that have a particularly social occupation you all know what I
mean its the the good ol' ....."I really don't find what you are saying
interesting , but out of courtesy I will continue to say 'oh yeah' and 'wow' so
as not to be rude but in actuality I really can't wait to stop talking to you!"

Yes I know it sounds terribly rude but Im sure you all know what Im talking
about, this happened to me the other day, I was trying to make my way to the
back of my church when a nice older lady caught my eye and began to "conversate"
I really tried my best to be interested in what she was talking about but I just
couldnt catch the flow and found myself just putting in the usual fillers of 'oh
yeah?' and 'wow really?!' and I must be really good at this because for the most
part whenever this happens to me no one realizes that Im not particularly
interested in what is being said so they continue wholeheartedly with not one
break in between..... now Im sure Im not the only one that this happens to if we
are all being honest and its actually one of the small dis-pleasures of social
interaction sometimes.... so I got to wondering.... heaven is perfect right?

So if heaven is perfect than this should never happen there, in theory, in
heaven every single conversation that you ever engage in should be as engaging
and gratifying as the most engrossing gossip (not good to gossip just an example
here) that you have ever indulged in! I dont know about yall but this theory was
very exciting to me, never again would i have to feign interest in someones long
winded dialog. From the time that trumpet blasts till all eternity every
conversation I have will be more wondrously engaging then even that can't put it
down, turn paging novel you just read.... wow.

Everything? Absolute everything is going to be the most interesting thing I've ever heard? For infinity +1 time? There's just no way. Maybe, with a frontal lobotomy, I might find a discussion of fishing interesting, but it's otherwise quite unlikely. And, I find it unlikely that people won't run out of new things to say about halfway through eternity. There's only so much to talk about.

Oh, and yeah, you are rude. Feigning interest in the uninteresting is a nice thing we do for other people, who more than likely do it for us. Sorry, every moment of your life can't be the most amazing thing ever, but that's the way it is. It just serves to make a new episode of Lost all the better. Not that I haven't internally rolled my eyes at people and their boring stories, but I do it with the understanding that I have doubtless bored someone quite recently.

Ever heard a bad joke? or someone trying to be funny but it just leaves you
rolling your eyes? Well once again heaven is perfect right? Sooooo if heaven is
perfect then that means that every single person will be hilariously, gut
bustingly, funny! I mean on earth people tell bad jokes and may just be slow
with the wit, but in heaven everyones mind will work like lighting, that means
that every single person will have perfect comedic timing.... so we won't be
able to get up off those gold streets for laughter

Can you imagine Moses and
Abraham zinging perfect one liners, the most quiet and reserved person becoming
funnier than the best comedians on earth? now im not talking about everyone in
heaven constantly joking around and being silly but think about it when the time
is appropriate and someone wants to make you laugh in theory they will know
exactly what to say or do to make you roll on the floor gasping for air! No more
stale, corny jokes and no more bad timing! Man i cant wait!

That's not even possible. First of all, this post is from Rapture Ready, so I'm sure the poster hasn't considered that Heaven may include people who aren't white, wingnut Americans, but humor is subjective, idiosyncratic and very culturally based. What has me in tears, unable to breathe may leave you utterly unmoved and vice versa. This says nothing about the quality of the humor, only what we personally find funny.

To be honest, I don't really have a sense of humor. I have a sense of the ridiculous. So, I find it highly unlikely that both I and some guy who thinks Adam Sandler movies are hilarious are going to be laughing at the same things, even in Heaven.

That's to say nothing of the cultural aspects of humor. I have some blogs written by Middle Easterners on my reader, (for some reason Saudi Arabians seem to be the bloggiest of the Middle Easterners) and I'll never forget a cartoon posted on a popular Saudi blog which had other Saudis in full ROFL, but even translated into English I just didn't get it. I'm sure the Saudis feel that way about some "funny" pictures I post on my blog.

So, again, it's just absolutely impossible that everyone in Heaven is going to be equally amusing to all other people in Heaven, unless we all get the same personality transplant upon arrival, in which case I really don't want to go to Heaven.


  1. And what do you do if you really prefer not to talk to people?

  2. All I know is, they tried to do "a world without sin" in the Firefly universe. Didn't work out so hot there...

    And, I mean, we all know that when you want to unravel the mysteries of the universe, the first place to do your research is Joss Whedon shows.

  3. Just don't talk to people, but you then don't get to expect people to talk to you. That's all.

  4. "the first place to do your research is Joss Whedon shows."

    Are you truly worthy to reference the Whedonverse?

  5. Heh. I've often felt that True Fundies have a messed up view of heaven. If I did believe in it, or in hell, it certainly wouldn't be anything like human existance, because there is no aspect of human existance that can possibly ever be called perfect. Except Joss Whedon.

    The first thing I'd throw out is contemporary descriptions. Golden streets? Really? Then I'd throw out the idea of physical matter: matter is crude. Then I'd probably throw out consiousness. If you're consious, you'll get bored. It would be more like sleeping: a peaceful, wonderful sleep.

    Or maybe the opposite: total consiousness, knowing everything about the universe, being one with everything, enlightenment, Nirvana.

    "Here we are now, entertain us!" [headbanging]

    I dunno, but it certainly wouldn't involve clouds and harps and golden streets and pearly gates. Tacky != perfect.


    On the other hand, maybe they're just saying that our standards will be lower, and we'll find every attempt at humour no matter how lame to be hilarious. Hey! Heaven == Idiocracy! In heaven we'll all be morons!

    That explains why the RRites are so keen to go there. "Level the playing field," as it were...

  6. Maybe, with a frontal lobotomy...

    Based on my understanding of heaven, that's pretty much what Real True Christians are banking on. How else can you not mourn afresh each day the unending torment of the people you loved most on earth?

  7. The Bible says heaven involves sitting around and singing praises at God (so super fun, yeah). If he wants to find people interesting and funny he should just do some drugs. And then he wouldn't even have to get saved.

  8. The end of the last of the Narnia books actually makes heaven sound vaguely appealling.

    When I was younger and in my religious phase I actually went through a brief period worrying that if the Messiah came I wouldn't be able to math anymore because so many of the traditional Jewish sources taught that the only thing anyone would study would be the Torah.

    I could see heaven as interesting if our brainpower was constantly expanding or something like that. And if we given some sort of pseudo-telepathic ability so we could actually appreciate why the other individual found something interesting even if we did not. (Except Jersey Shore and American. Any afterlife where I understand why people watch that trash must be hell). I'm not aware of any classical sources in any major religion which claim that we will find everything interesting in the afterlife.

    Note also that according to many Christian sources (going back all the way at least to Augustine) one of the major joys for Christians in the afterlife will be that they can watch the damned be tormented.


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