I've Set Five Less People on Fire Today

Suppose you were interviewing me for a job, and you discovered that in 2009, I set 398 people on fire. You know, everybody needs a hobby, mine happens to be setting people on fire. Your immediate reaction would probably be something like, "Well, we're not really looking for secretaries who set people on fire, but we'll keep your resume on file."

Now suppose that I said, "But in 2008, I set 538 people on fire. I set 36% less people on fire last year than the year before!"

Would you change your mind about hiring me? No? What if instead of setting people on fire, 398 represented the number of child molestations reported- by the Catholic Church? Would you clap your hands with joy? Give the Pope the thumbs up?

Yeah, me neither. I especially wouldn't feel all sad for them that the financial toll from child molestation is really harshing their buzz.

All told, the scandal's price tag for settlements and other costs has risen to
more than $2.7 billion, according to estimates. The numbers of cases were
expected to decline, but the financial impact remains severe, said Charles Zech,
a Villanova University economics professor. "The U.S. Catholic Church cannot
afford that right now, not the way the economy has been going, the hit taken on
diocesan investments, and to some extent parishioner contributions," Zech said.
"The church ... can't afford to be going on like this very much longer."

Well, maybe they should have thought of that when they were sheilding child molesters from justice- by transferring them to new locales with fresh victims.

The number of offenders dropped 32 percent, to 286. Most are dead, no longer in
the priesthood, removed from ministry or missing, the report said.

Define "most". Also, when you say "no longer in the priesthood", I'm guessing you don't mean "in prison, where they belong."

The report said that about one-eighth of the allegations made in 2009 were
unsubstantiated or determined to be false by the end of the year.

And who compiled the report? Oh, that's right, the Catholic Church, not all of which participated.

The picture of the scandal in religious orders, however, is incomplete because
just 159 of 219 men's religious communities took part in the survey.

But that's okay, because the Catholic Church, well, most of it, is training children to keep themselves safe.

Almost 6 million children, or 96 percent of children in Catholic schools or
religious education programs, received "safe environment" training. The training
is required under the Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People,
reforms adopted by bishops in 2002 at the height of the scandal.


Two dioceses — the dioceses of Baker, Ore., and Fresno, Calif. — were
not compliant by year's end with the provision requiring the training and
documentation of it, the report said.

I imagine the training looked a little like this:

RUN, LITTLE TIMMY, RUN!