Now I'm Scared of My Pharmacist

Writing this post made me feel naked and frightened in a way no other post has. I can discuss my breasts and vagina with no problem at all, but this I almost deleted 6 times. Maybe I should have, but I know there are others out there experiencing the same thing and we need a voice. And you need to listen to it.

I am a pain patient. I have chronic pain. Pain has consumed my life, changed me, destroyed the person I used to be. The pain is why I don't believe in hell. I wouldn't wish the last 8 years of pain on Hitler, let alone some random guy who didn't believe the right way. And that's 8 years, not eternity. Think about that for a second. I wouldn't wish this on the worst person that ever existed, but I have to live with it every second of every day.

For this pain, I take medication. Yes, it's narcotics. I'd prefer it not be narcotics, but if you're in serious pain, that's it, the pain or the narcotics. Actually, it's the pain and the narcotics, but I can live with pain at or below a 6 on the (stupidestfuckingthingever) pain scale*, so I'll take what I can get. I don't get high from the medication. That's how narcotics work. If you're getting some kind of euphoria from them, you're taking too much for the pain you're in.

I hate filling my prescription every month. I feel like the pharmacist thinks I'm addict. As it turns out, I'm probably right. This knowledge has entirely ruined my day.

A pharmacy without crackheads would be like a Big-Mac without the secret
sauce. The two go hand-in-hand like fat-chicks and spandex.

. . .

Becoming a successful “crackhead” and inflicting sadist pain upon your
pharmacist is not an easy task. However with these short yet useful tips
you shall have your pharmacist begging you to never return.

Think of a month as not 30 days, but a random number of days between 10 and
25. Most medications will have warnings that say that it must last one
month. However if YOUR month is only 13 days, it means that obviously you
can take more than what is prescribed on the bottle. This is YOUR
medication after all, so it gets to play by YOUR rules and thereby YOUR month.

Yeah? How about all the times I have gotten home and counted my pills only to find the prescription is short? Don't bother calling the pharmacy, they'll just say you can't prove it's them. Oh, and if you insist on counting the pills at the counter before leaving, they will freak.

Don't get me started on months that are 31 days long. Don't know what I mean? You obviously don't take pain medication. Suppose I fill my 30 day prescription on April 16. Now, April has 30 days, so I'm due for a refill May 16. Suppose I fill my 30 day prescription March 16. March has 31 days, so I'm due for a refill April 15, not April 16. Try explaining that to idiot pharmacy tech no. 1,351.

Generally, I refill my prescriptions 2 days in advance, although I don't pick it up until the day it is due. Why? Harrowing experience. If I wait until the day of, or the day before, and the pharmacy is out, I'm fucked. I'll have to go a day or two, or seven the one time, without medication, and if I could do that, I wouldn't be taking them in the first place. No pharmacist would freak out on me for transferring a prescription for insulin in that situation, but pain meds? I'm a drug seeking crackhead.

Don’t use proper terminology or pronunciation when referring to your
drugs. Everyone says “Soma” or “Vicodin”, but having you refer to your
medication as “SOMAS”, “VICO-DANS”, “DAN SOMAS”, or “WATSONS 389″ makes you
really stand out in the pharmacists eyes. Nothing says “I know my pain
pills” than reciting the NDC number on that bottle of Watson vicodin.

I've been taking these pills for a while now. I do have the number on the pills memorized- because I'm observant. I don't refer to them by common name on the phone, I refer to them by actual name of the substance so that people around me don't know what I'm talking about. I don't want them to know.

Develop some good stories. “My medication was lost or stolen” is so
1990’s. You need to think of some good stories to feed to your doctor and
pharmacist so they will feel sad for you. It helps if you learn to sob on
command, or come into the pharmacy loaded so they can really see how much pain
you are truly in.

Have a black cloud of bad luck encompass you always. Be the
unluckiest person on the planet. Have anything and everything happen to
your pain-pills (but not your high blood pressure pills!). Martians came
and a meteor hit your vicodin bottle! Go for the gusto! If you’re
loaded while you mumble this story it makes it more realistic (at least to you)
thereby making you tell it better! Remember, YOUR story plays by YOUR
rules, and YOUR pain-pills make YOUR rules!

Hello, moron, when people steal pills, they don't steal acid reflux medication, they steal the fun stuff. I have had pills stolen from me, once by a family member (because I don't really need them!), once by a (former) friend, once I suspect one of the many temps that pass through the office. I have since learned to keep one day's worth in my purse, not in a prescription bottle, and I hide the prescription in odd places in my bedroom. I never told the pharmacist, I just suffered until the refill was due, but yeah, it happens.

Only chumps get all 90 Soma at one time. Split that Rx up! Even
though you have $5 in your pocket, it should get you at least 3 of the 90 soma
you are allowed every month. Dont worry about such trivial things such as
money management, saving for the whole 90, or the added work your pharmacist
goes through. Remember, YOUR money plays by YOUR rules and YOUR shitty 4
tablet partial fills make YOUR rules!

Yeah, why should poor people be allowed to get their medication as they can afford it? My mom used to do this after my father left her high and dry with no health insurance and a heart condition, and a daughter with severe asthma. Not everyone makes $80,000 a year for counting things, asshat.

PAY CASH! Only chumps use insurance for their pain-pills!

40,000,000 uninsured people in the US, and this asshole is surprised he's run into a few of them?

Money management? Throw all that shit out the window. You need to piss
away your welfare check like its burning a hole in your pocket. In fact,
you have to be so bad that you have to prepay for your soma that’s due TOMORROW
or you’ll spend that $30 on something else.

I work, but yeah, I've done that. You know why poor people do that? Because poor people always need something that they've been putting off forever. So, if I have $30 in my pocket, it could end up going for something else that is desperately needed. If I've already spent the $30 on my prescription, I can't spend it on something else. Thanks for privileging all over me.

Avoid chains! Their computers are all linked up via magic so they know
how much other stores have given you! Go for the mom-and-pop shops!

Yeah, the fact that my local chain has shorted me numerous times, but the mom-and-pop has never done so has nothing to do with my choice of establishment.

Become an active part in your treatment, call the pharmacy every 10 mins to
see if the doctor OK’d the early refills. Nothing says “I take my life
seriously” than being on top of your medication refill requests. It
doesn’t matter if you don’t remember calling 10 mins ago because you were
loaded, YOU ARE TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR TREAT-.. what was I saying again? Oh,
TREATMENT!

Fax machines can break, make sure you call the doctors every 10 mins to
see if they received your early fill request from the pharmacy. Doctors
LOVE patients who are active in their treatment. Remember, YOUR name is on
your early-refill call-tag so it plays by YOUR rules!

Every month, I have to call my doctor and request the refill be faxed to the pharmacy. About 8 months of the year, this works just fine. I call at 9am, and the pharmacy has it by 6pm. Some months, the pharmacy doesn't get the fax the first time. Or the second. Sometimes not the third. I have to call multiple times to fix this because nobody else will. Asshat. Maybe I'm supposed to psychically guess whether or not the refill has finally made it to the pharmacist.

Catch fibromyalgia! That shit is the golden ticket to Watson-Wonka’s
Narcotic Factory! If you catch fibromyalgia you can get ANYTHING!
Plus pharmacists and other health care people LOVE IT when you talk about how
bad your fibromyalgia is.

FUCK YOU. Seriously, FUCK YOU.

Take up acting! Don’t limit yourself to the “OH JESUS IM IN SO MUCH PAIN”
once you hit the pharmacy doors, but also practice it as you walk through the
parking lot. Nothing says that you’re in “OH SWEET JESUS” pain like
stumbling and shuffling about in the parking lot AND in the pharmacy. If
you cannot sustain the act for long enough, make sure the sneaky pharmacy
doesn’t have cameras outside to record you acting normal only to be hit by the
“OH JESUS PAIN” stick once you cross into the store.

Wait a minute, this customer is limping the entire time the pharmacist can see him, but obviously that's because he's faking it? How much of an asshole can one person be?!

This is going to make my next trip to the pharmacy so much fun.



*Another post for another day, but trying to quantify the intensely subjective experience of full body chronic pain on a 1-10 scale is about the stupidest thing I've ever been involved in.