Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Storm Clouds are BREWING

I live in Tornado Alley, i used to, as well and those nights and days when the tornado warnings are popping up everywhere i never worried about tornados outside my immediate location in every corner of my world your entire world is the middle of the united states? , you can feel great anxiety, IT MAKES YOU RUN FOR SHELTER, cool it there, shouty. it's not anxiety that makes you run for shelter, it's the incredibly fast, swirly winds but once you take cover...there's this great feeling and serenity and almost giddyness that takes place no. you huddle in your basement and hope it's all over soon. unless you're in a trailer park, in which case you know you're screwed. tornados almost exclusively touch down only in trailer parks. i have no idea why....KNOWING YOUR SAFE my safe what? unless you mean "you're"....but then You start to think ...what about those who don't have the same safe place to run too to...and so I always start praying for People to find shelter from the coming storm or tornado

Then I take my cell phone out and call other's and warn them, so, you get to safety, spend a while giddy, pray and only then do you call loved ones to check if they know a tornado is coming? you're an asshole. seeing if they had been paying attention, do you realize what's coming??? Are you safe? Your you're just going to ride the storm out?? well, i suppose they could flee the country . . . Please come on over ..there's plenty of roomRIGHT NOW, yes, get into your car and drive around in the middle of a tornado. that's safe. there are things tornados headed towards you, things you can't see YET, you can see tornados coming. actually, right before the tornado, the sky turns the wierdest shade of green. it's hard to describe, but yeah, you'll know when a tornado is coming. but THEY ARE no one. the truth is out there. i want to believe. The Storm Clouds are brewing breakfast blend or french roast? and they are getting darker by the day and this Storm is OFF the Charts, IN FACT oddest use of that word ever...the Bible says UNLESS the days were shortened..NO FLESH WOULD SURVIVE just when i thought this couldn't get crazier.

when I turn on my tv...and the Storm Warning has been Issued waHt is uP wIth thE randOm cAPitaliZatioN?, there will be a scrolling message that tells me what to expect...Strong Winds in excess of 100mph, golf ball sized hail, dangerous lightning What can you expect? um strong winds in excess of 100mph, golf ball sized hail, dangerous lightning?...what should be scrolling at the bottom of your monitor right now?? crazy . . . crazy . . . crazy

100 lb Hailstones Rev 16:16-20

actually, hailstones aren't mentioned in any of those verses. they are mentioned in Rev 16:21, however.

And there fell upon men a great hail out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent: and men blasphemed God because of the plague of the hail; for the plague thereof was exceeding great.

a talent would actually be around 130 lbs. and that would be quite a hailstone, because the largest recorded hailstone seems to have been (quick google search) around the size of a football.

The Great Earthquake leaving NO ISLANDS on earth also, taking down every mountain on earth. Rev 16:17-21

somebody doesn't know what islands are. also, the concept of taking down every mountain is a little odd. does that mean any part of the earth above sea level will be reduced to sea level? how?

1/3 of the Earth is burned up, 1/3 of trees, and all the grass Rev.8:7

again, wtf does that mean? 1/3 of the earth burned up? 1/3 of the surface of the earth? how far down does the surface go? also, 71.1% of the earth's surface is water. so, even if you "burned up" all of the nonwater surface, you'd then have to figure out how to burn up a significant portion of ocean.

1/3 of the Sea is turned into Blood Rev 8:8-9

after about 5% is burned up? and, considering that all of the world's oceans are connected, i.e., the same body of water, how does only 1/3 of that water turn to blood?

The Abyss (bottomless pit) opens and locust-like scorpion creatures arise Rev 9:2-3

how do these creatures come out of a bottomless pit? it's fucking bottomless. were they clinging to the sides near the top? also, wtf is a "locust-like scorpion creature"? let's check the scripture:

And he opened the bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit. 3 And there came out of the smoke locusts upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power.

what power, exactly, do the scorpions of the earth have? do scorpions of the air have different powers? all i can think of is poisonous locusts (swarming grasshoppers). yeah, okay.

Evil angels released to kill 1/3 of mankind Rev 9:13-15

actually, Revelation doesn't say they are evil, merely that they are bound in the great river, Euphrates.

Painful sores break out on people that have taken the Mark of the Beast Rev16:2

again, Revelation mentions one sore. though it is "painful" and "grievous".

The sun will scorch people with fire Rev 16:8-9


These are NOT great things to look forward too to, and you can mock and scoff and say Like they did to NOAH when he warned of The Flood, you mean the mythical guy and the mythical event that didn't happen? OR you can TAKE SHELTER, gimme shelter! You can acknowledge that you are in DANGER from poisonous grasshoppers and improbably large hailstones and sunburn, that You are lost and far from home currently 1.2 miles away, that You have sinned against God nice segue!, Your Creator, ....THEN WHAT?? apparently, then i steal all the world's question marks and start randomly capitalizing. yeah, i'll pass. realize that Jesus Christ, came to this earth, Died a gruesome and Cruel Death less gruesome and cruel than being eaten by abyssal scopiohopphers ...He took Your Place...He took the Wrath that You had coming... that's apparently still coming . . . BUT then NOT ONLY DID HE DO THAT.....after his body sat lifeless for three days in a borrowed tomb, HE CAME BACK TO LIFE...PROVING that HE IS THE WAY ...HE IS THE TRUTH and HE IS THE LIFE!!!! HE is the Ark of Safety for what's coming... that is a mixed metaphor at best. PLEASE BELIEVE UPON HIM "upon"? and Put On the Lord Jesus Christ does he come in a size 2?....Call Upon Him and Cry "JESUS FORGIVE ME AND SAVE ME" 867-5309 . . . no, wait, that's Jenny's number Once you do that you too can KNOW the Peace of having found safety in the storm shelter.. of jesus.


  1. Okay I was smiling until the 867-5309, then I loled. I live on the edge of Tornado alley and what you said is right, you can tell when a tornado is coming. I might be moving back into tornado alley this year though.

  2. Yeah, I don't miss Tornado Alley- or hiding in the basement waiting for the house to fly away on top of me.

  3. You hit this one out of the park! Hilarious!

  4. the Bible says UNLESS the days were shortened..NO FLESH WOULD SURVIVE

    God is Alma?

  5. I just couldn't read this. That first grammatical error, “KNOWING YOUR SAFE....” I figured must mean in the Biblical sense, which got me picturing how that would be possible, and started a chain of lascivious thoughts, and I totally lost it when I got to “ there are things headed towards you, things you can't see YET, but THEY ARE COMING...” Ooh, baby!

    Pervert & Grammar Nazi

  6. Yeah. As they say, if the Epistles are John on pot, Revelation is John on acid.


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