Thursday, March 18, 2010

How to Annoy Your Coworkers: a Christian Guide

I used to work with a woman who was annoyingly Christian. The attorney she worked for is a really nice guy who curses a blue streak when he's annoyed. Nothing outrageous, like "cuntbushel" or "cocknozzle"*, just some random "fucks" and "assholes". She would get up and walk away or mutter furiously about being exposed to such language and her, a Christian! I took this for hypocrisy after she was fired, and arrested, for embezzling $5,000 from the firm, but apparently being obnoxious is deliberate form of evangelism.

How do we let them see Christ in us?

When one can't witness, lets say at work or something, then let them
see Christ in you. How does that work?

I must be in a mood, but my mind went to the dirtiest place ever when I read that. Putting my general deviance aside, I would assume the answer would be kindness, generosity, going above and beyond for your fellow man- oh, who the fucktrout am I kidding? These are fundys. The answer is obvious: annoy the piss out of your coworkers.

It is hard for me to witness at work, but I do it by my actions. Any time
someone uses blasphemy, later on I will approach them and just ask when they are
around me to please refrain from that language as it is offensive to me.
Whenever the conversations get crude or vulgar, I either excuse myself or just
walk away or start doing something else. If you have a lunch room everyone eats
in and you are comfortable with it, you can always say a prayer before your
meal. These are a few things that set Christians apart. I hope this helps.

I lecture my coworkers like children and pray like the Pharisees. That'll work!

Well, I usually find that just in the course of a conversation, I might say
"thank God", or "only in Jesus", and sometimes it stumps folks, but I say it
anyway. Even for something as simple and clear traffic, I will look out window
and say, "Thank you Jesus"...Or someone may see me go on break and I say I am
going to listen to the Word, read my Bible. I have a little orange pocket one
that really stands out.

Dude, I still say "thank God" on a regular basis. That's about as stumpworthy as driving down the street and seeing an American flag waving- in the US. Also, I'm an atheist, and I think a neon orange bible is a bit blasphemous. I again invoke praying like Pharisees.

Cocopea.... IMO you should say God bless you to atheists too when they sneeze..
its a small jesture but God wants to bless them even if they dont' believe He
exists. I think it'll keep His name in front of them and bring Him to mind, even
if in a minor way. You never know when hearing "God bless you" trillions of
times along w/ another event just might turn their paths around. Not saying it
(at least to me) is like saying they dont need God's blessing. And they
definitely need His blessing, but they need to find God first. Does that make
sense? I say it to everyone in public.. and mean it.... you never know how He
works... !

I say "bless you" when people sneeze. It's ingrained so deep I'm having more luck training myself to sneeze into my elbow than I am training myself to say "gehsundheidt" when someone else sneezes. My point being that a random "bless you!" when I sneeze is not going to make me praise Jesus.

Wearing a Christian necklace, button, bringing a bible to work(read it during
breaks), or even decorating your work space(if you work in an office) can help
show them that you're a Christian.

I do believe we call a Christian necklace a "cross", and can I introduce you to a word? It's "ubiquitous": existing or being everywhere at the same time : constantly encountered. That is the best description of Christian necklaces I can think of. Let me put it this way: if Madonna was wearing crosses 20 years ago, nobody today is going to look at your cross and think, "Wow! This person is so different! I should ask them about their curious neck wear."

From now on when my coworkers annoy me mercilessly, I will assume they are trying to convert me to Christianity. It's as good an explanation as any other.

*I like my obscenities to be vaguely amusing in a way that makes the listener stop and think "Wuh?" 5 minutes later.


  1. When I was a fundy, I did my very best to be a Christian example to unsaved folks. So they would question my behavior and I could respond with "JESUS LOVES YOU! AND HE WANTS TO BE IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!" Being nice was absolutely about creating opportunities to witness.

    Also, best use of an inventive obscenity I saw last year "Twatsicle" on Thanks for the new ones I can integrate into my vocabulary!

  2. You're welcome! And congratulations on joining us in being nice for the sake of being nice.

  3. I think "spleenweasel" was my personal favorite of your inventive approach to cursing.

    I'm fortunate in that I essentially don't get proselytized, especially at work. I think that's mainly because the Christians I work with (which would be most of my co-workers; they're pretty much all Republicans, too) are pretty laid back about it. I suppose it could be attributed to a good HR Department, too.

  4. I've developed a few cursing habits myself. "Crapberries," other "Invective-berries," and variations of the term "frig" ("Frigging frigging frig onnna frigger") are gestures of frustration, "crud" and "sugar" are both signs I'm toning it down for the benefit of someone I don't know, and a violently screamed "fuck" followed by hysterical laughter is an indication my parents have just got me with a electric prank-buzzer. Bastards.

  5. When you hear people giggling over swearing, or sharing swearing stories, you know that you're either with six-year-olds or atheists.

  6. … or people who aren’t puritans with sticks up their asses.

    (Just to complete Thesauros’ comment.)

  7. If you read a condescending comment about the maturity of people just having fun, you know that you're either with Christians or... no, pretty much only Christians.

  8. There once was a troll called Makarious,
    who now goes by the handle Thesaurious,
    he might as well quit
    cuz he's still full of shit
    and we still ain't taking him serious.

  9. As a Jew (now atheist), I have had the benefit of years of efforts "to awaken me to Jesus in my life" As a youngster, no Saturday went by without a visit or two from earnest young men (in those days) who insisted upon giving me New Testaments (once actually in Hebrew) and trying to engage me in dialogues to "tell me the good news" and inveigh against my lack of faith in whichever version of Jesus they happened to favor. To be fair, at that time Christianity was assumed in schools and places of business, with no regard for how offensive or annoying such public observances might be to those few of us who did not so believe. By now (some 70 years later) we have come to pay at least lip service to the fact that our Constitution not only guarantees freedom OF religion, but also freedom FROM religion. Why it has become fashionable for fundies to believe that public expression of their personal beliefs in circumstances other than non-public, non-tax supported and otherwise secular circumstances is beyond my understanding. Can they not see that such agressive proselytizing ("witnessing") is not only a rude imposition and even an implied "put-down" upon their co-workers (who may well think that their own beliefs are perfectly appropriate to the needs of their immortal souls), but is annoying and therefore likely tio achieve precisely the opposite result they claim to seek with this behavior. I am forced tio the conclusion that, if they think about such behavior at all, it must be due to their need to seek affirmation that they "have it right" in the only way possible in this life, by convincing as many of us as possible to agree with their particular "take" on how to get to Heaven. I sincerely doubt that many of them really have any concern for my soul in this. Rather, it appears that it is their own soul that is at issue here.

  10. Speaking of crosses, my 14 year old atheist son asked his new teacher "So what's with the lowercase "t" around your neck?" Needless to say, I had to give him a minor lecture (in between chuckles) about burning bridges. Yea, he wasn't her favorite student that semester.

  11. I've got to say that if I worked with people like that I might just become the devil-worshipping, baby-eating atheist they think I am.

    On a side note, on following that elbow-sneeze link, I was confronted with what seems to be a song called "Why don't We Do It In Our Sleeves", which I can only assume is sung to the tune of "Why Don't We Do It In The Road".

  12. My neice turned me on to that song. Apparently, it's all the rage in grade schools these days. (Then I got a lecture about spreading DISEASE to OTHER PEOPLE by sneezing into my HANDS. From a 10-year-old.)

  13. Yes, there are Christians like this. And there are nice Christians too. Some atheists are also not nice, though some are. It's a human thing.


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