Tuesday, October 12, 2010

And on the Other Hand, I Have Five Fingers

Pure, unadulterated evil.

Ah, Halloween. A time of costumes and candy and little children mumbling something approximating "trick or treat" with no real understanding why that results in being given candy, but who argues with candy? (They are so cute, all dressed up and mumbling and confused.)

Unless you're a fundy, in which case Halloween is an industry promoting ungodly fear which will tremble before your refusal to buy candy and costumes. Yes, these people can turn any celebration into a spiritual fight of epic proportions and turn any mundane action into a mighty blow for their god worthy of Russell Crowe demanding whether or not you are entertained.

So, let's review the scariest things you can do this Halloween, from people who apparently know neither fear nor fun.

The scariest thing you can do this Halloween is to not make light of evil.

Dude, who's making light of Hitler or genocide? Oh, you don't mean evil evil, you mean pretend evil. Okay, then.

The scariest thing you can do this Halloween is to not be fearful. The media wants you to be afraid of everything from overpopulation to global warming. The politicians want you to be afraid of the economy and the election.

And that has what to do with Halloween? Stay on topic, dude.

The scariest thing you can do this Halloween is to completely skip Halloween and remember Reformation Day . . . But, to remember the Reformers instead of Halloween is very scary to the world.

Look, you may spend your time cowering from celebrations of reformation, but no, celebrating Reformation instead of Halloween is not frightening to the rest of us. It's a little weird, but not scary.

The scariest thing you can do this Halloween is to refuse to watch or allow your children to watch any of the toxic Halloween and Horror films emerging from Hollywood.

*sigh* I love horror films (not that torture porn stuff, just horror), but you don't have to. You certainly are welcome to restrict your children from watching such films (it's not like i'd let a small child watch them either*). It's not exactly a revolutionary act to control what your children view.

The scariest thing you can do this Halloween is to get on your knees as a mother and father and pray that the Lord will send you many, many children who will fear God, not man — children who will especially shun the glorification of witchcraft, the bondage of ungodly fear, and the “cute-ification” of evil that is promoted through holidays like Halloween. Cultures that toy with evil end up being cultures of death. The Christian response is to be a people of life. That means babies. Lots of them.

Wow. That went in a direction I wasn't prepared for. Yeah, using my vagina like a clown car does scare me. Touché , sir, touché . Not sure what that has to do with Halloween, but yes, you scared me.

*Hilarious story from when my niece was 4 or 5. I was taking a shower, so I let her watch cartoons to keep her out of trouble. Once I was out of the shower, I called down to the living room to ask her what she was watching and she says, "Some Halloween movie." Then I hear "huh huh huh" aka The Jason Sound. She wasn't watching "some Halloween movie", she was watching "Halloween". I nearly killed myself trying to get to the TV to turn it off.


  1. "Wow. That went in a direction I wasn't prepared for. Yeah, using my vagina like a clown car does scare me."

    No kidding. There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children her uterus fell out.

    I just finished commenting on something similar on my own blog: The War On Halloween. Mine's more general commentary and less specific snark, though.

    And on a final note, if I want to have lots and lots of children, the method I would use... well, it might involve getting down on my knees, but it's a bit more active than just praying.

  2. Oh dear, she thinks overpopulation and global warming are media myths and breeding at any cost is a virtue.


    Shame we don't have a second planet we can send these loons to so they don't screw up ours :(

  3. I can't tell you how terrified I get of people not making light of evil. It shakes me right down to my satanic soul. I need to go persecute some christians and promote evolution by telling people that crocodiles give birth to ducks sometimes.

  4. I don't watch horror movies, but not because of the horror aspect: it's downer endings I don't like. I've only seen a few horror movies, but killing off the majority of the cast, even if one of them survives and wins, is still a downer ending.

    I do quite like horror games, though: mainly because in that case, the horror comes directly, rather than via empathy: in a movie, you're scared that something will happen to the characters. In a game, you're scared that something will happen to you.

    I highly recommend Amnesia: The Dark Descent for anybody who never wants to sleep again.*

    *No, seriously: DO NOT BUY THIS GAME IF YOU ARE AT RISK OF A HEART ATTACK. Everyone else, have fun.**

    ** By "fun," I of course mean "bladder control issues."

  5. I'm not so much in favor of horror as I am utterly fascinated by monsters. Slasher flicks? Meh, whatever. Ghosts? Depends on how they're handled. But give me a halfway decent monster, and I'm in.

    @ Quasar - I do share your love of horror games (if they're done even reasonably well); even some that are borderline horror, or more Dark Fantasy, like the Legacy of Kaine stuff, give me a nice warm fuzzy. What's the platform for Amnesia? (I'm running behind: still on PS-2 and an original X-box that I inherited from my younger brother.)

  6. Amnesia's on PC only, which I find fits well for horror. Sitting close to the screen in a quiet, dark room at night, alone, sound turned up so you can hear all the little ambient-noises...

    Actually, if I'd done that with Amnesia I'd probably be dead. The game's quite terrifying enough in a brightly lit room with people occasionally pestering you.


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