Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Republican Sex & Marriage Advice

Do you have questions, Republican questions, about sex and marriage? Well, you're in luck! Chip Womack, whose extensive business expertise qualifies him as a thera- wut?

Chip Womack is a lifelong Republican and businessman. Chip founded a thriving fiber optic cable business dedicated to unlocking the potential in neglected forestland, and he is a consultant to municipalities on issues of strategic recreation and/or the reuse of reclaimed mines. In his spare time, Chip applies commonsense business solutions and golf principles to couples in distress and in doing so has developed a reputation as a community leader.

What the hell is wrong with Republicans? Why do they believe that business experience qualifies you for absolutely everything? "Hi, I founded ebay, I'd make a great President!" "I ran a fiber optic cable business, therefore I am automatically qualified to give psychological counseling." "Sure, you could go to a neurosurgeon, but I worked at Lehman Brothers, I got this." Honestly.

So, let's see what sort of "distress" experience in fiber optics qualifies you to handle.

The 3rd kind of sex. I'm not entirely certain what the first two kinds of sex are, but the "3rd kind" is anal. And it's wrong.

My wife wants my son to learn science. It's not the Republican way.

I have pain during sex. Because when one is experiencing a medical issue, one should ask a businessman, not a doctor!

and, while it isn't the answer to a question, watch Chip encounter hip hop decades after the rest of the world.

Seriously, Republicans, if you're going to mock yourselves, what will I have left to do?

9 comments:

  1. I can't watch with the audio on during the business day, so hopefully he addresses this, but I'll say it anyway: For the love of Dr. Ruth, I really hope he says first and foremost that a woman having pain during intercourse should visit her doctor. For one thing, depending on the nature of the pain, it can be an indicator of cervical cancer.

    Wait, wait. I plugged in headphones. Good. He says that women should see a doctor for pain during intercourse. But wait. "Preferably, a Jewish doctor." What? I'm so confused. Why a Jewish doctor? Because the Jewish people are the stem cells of the modern world. *end of episode*

    Uh.

    Um.

    Uhm.

    I.... I have so many things to say about this entire "episode," I just can't even.

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  2. "a penis is like a telephone - God's telephone - and do you *really* want to put God's telephone in someone else's butt?"


    um... what happened to the actual, Biblical "reasons" to not have anal sex? it *is* actually prohibited in the Bible; wouldn't it have been better to use the Bible rather than making shit up?

    i'm afraid to watch any others...

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  3. OH GODS MAKE IT STOP!!!

    non-sequitors that aren't even FUNNY - and the episode about "i'm afraid to get married" is, essentially, a commercial - boiled down, it says "if you're afraid of something, send me a check [for deposit only] for $35 and you'll recieve a picture of me with this prayer printed on the front" the prayer? is about "wanting God to tell [me] i'm worth having a [real] life" and it's so generic as to be insulting.

    the one about "is it ok to use viagra or similar of one is suffering ED at a young age" - first, the guy "asking" says "i don't want to tell you my name" - and "his" name is then posted - then the repub gives a line about how "ED is just you not facing your fears", THEN says that maybe ED is caused by a problem, like "overweightness" [and a couple others] THEN says there's "tubes that suck blood into your penis" thus getting rid of the need for pills, but that X, Y and Z pharmacorps are "good" corps doing "good" work. the kid says "fears?" the rep says "things you haven't dealt with" the kid starts a sob story about an abusive dad and codependent mom - and the repub says "OR MAYBE DIABETES"

    !!!


    *WHY* do you do this to me?! these people VOTE!!! so stoopid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    [sorry - it's just so WRONG i HAVE to use multiple exclaimation points]

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  4. "Discover clean coal - and STOP the Clean Water Protection Act"


    what?!?!?! this was a commercial this guy MADE and posted on the site, between a wife asking how to "restore" her husband's ego in the face of ED and a woman asking how to forgive her boyfriend for cheating on her. !

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  5. OMG, are you posters so stupid that you don't get that this site is a comedy site parody? Really? No wonder you go to tea parties and bring guns to town hall debates on health care.

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  6. @ Kingwood: I assume you're referring to the posters on that site, rather than this one?

    And it doesn't really matter if it's satire or real: the whole point of Poes law is that they're indistinguishable from one another. As the Repub Questions site proves: if it is a parody, the commentors there are agreeing with it.

    It's like a supposedly feminist site saying all women should be butch lesbians and hate men and having actual feminists agree with it. Or putting up a fake site about how true liberals should support communism and hate america and kill newborns, and having actual liberals say "yes, we should!". Or, indeed, a site saying how supporters of evolution should refuse to look at evidence for creation, and suggesting ways to dishonestly circumvent the system to get evolution taught in schools, and having scientists say "good idea". By that stage, it wouldn't matter that the initial site was satire: the supporters of the thing being parodied would have thrown their towel in with the Extremeist Nutzi's.

    The sheer absurdity of the above suggestions is part of the reason I think feminism and liberalism are more valid, or at least less extreme, than their opposites.

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  7. Oh thank goodness. It's a Huffington Post-run site. PF, you scared the bejeezus out of me. That will teach me to look at that kind of thing when I'm inhumanly busy at work. (Notice that I still find time for the important things no matter how busy I am.)

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  8. it is?

    w0w - i feel better!


    this, btw, is why i almost NEVER read PF before 5 or 6pm - i'm not AWAKE enough to get anything like this, that "early" [it's early for me]


    that aside - Kingwood, i'm with Quasar. maybe i WAS asleep enough to not catch it was satire. but, to my knowledge, not a single "regular" here at PF's blog is in the "TeaParty" - we tend to hate and sort of fear the TeaBaggers. and, since it *feels* like you were speaking to US - the posters here - i have to wonder if you haven't tripped over your own complaint, there... i.e. didn't read deeply enough to realize what the people HERE think/want/work towards.
    if Quasar is right, and you meant commenters on THAT site - well... i've NEVER seen a repulican-based Poe that didn't have real repulicans thinking it was teh awesome.

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  9. Hi, I've read your article and like it very much. I'd like to know if I can quote parts of it on my blog. I will post a link-back, of course. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete

Comments are for you guys, not for me. Say what you will. Don't feel compelled to stay on topic, I enjoy it when comments enter Tangentville or veer off into Non Sequitur Town. Just keep it polite, okay?

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