Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dispatches from the Unborn

h/t to Cynical Nymph who made my head asplode with one simple email.

Have you ever wanted to read a book written from the perspective of a fetus? If so, I have some medication for you! And also, Umbert the Unborn.

The unborn child finally has a voice of his own! Gary Cangemi is the creative genius who has given "unbirth" to the world's first syndicated pro-life, prenatal cartoon baby. These cartoons proclaim the message of life. Each page also contains an "Umbert's Facts of Life" message, as well as cartoon pictures showing the growth development of a baby. Makes a great gift for an expectant mother or any of your pro-life (or maybe even your anti-life) friends.

Yes, it's the perfect gift for children, pregnant women, Satan and Cthulu!

But wait, there's more! Umbert has friends, such as Vita the Viable:

Umbert's friend, confidant, and chat womb partner, the tiny but assertive Vita tries to connect and bond with her struggling single mom and assure her that they can make it together.

I wonder if they are livin' on a prayer? Are they perhaps halfway there?

Then there's Fredo the Frozen, a mere collection of cells capable of pondering the future (which really makes me feel guilty about killing those bacteria in my kidneys.):

Living on a tiny ice floe in a fertility lab, Fredo the frozen embryo ponders an uncertain future, questions the boundaries of modern science, and dreams of hot chocolate and the warmth of a mother's womb.

Wow. That's a lot of pondering for a blastocyst.

Dr. Dubious and Dwight (who really needs to be ringing a bell at a French cathedral) are the ones depriving Fredo of hot chocolate:

It's science run amok as resident mad Doctor Dubious and his "henchperson," Dwight, concoct their own brand of modern science unfettered by ethical issues.

Modern science unfettered by ethical issues, unlike previous science with its ethical leeches and bloodletting.

2B and Not2B, apparently named via Twitter, are aliens:

2B and Not 2B, isn't a question, they are two unborn alien babies from the Planet Paranoid where natural parenting is banned in favor of cloning, giving Umbert a first-hand look at what Earth science has planned for OUR future.

Ahem. AREN'T. They AREN'T a question. also, somebody doesn't understand what cloning is, or what parenting is, for that matter. Cloning would not remove the need for parenting, especially considering that these are unborn clones.

I'm glad I found this gem in time for the holidays!


  1. This has Look Who's Talking sequel written all over it.

    And also, wuh?

    There is cloning at Planned Parenthood?

  2. I heard of this a few weeks or months ago (can’t remember when, exactly). It struck me as remarkably dull and typical. Lo and behold, I was right.

  3. Oh dear god. You just reminded me of an anti-abortion themed assembly my school hosted back in junior high. My memory is (mercifully) fuzzy, but I do remember this skit...

    Some sort of telephone operator, making a lame "womb to womb" joke, connects one fetus to another so that they can speak. The two fetuses are having a conversation about how they love hearing their mommies' voices or something like that, when all of a sudden, one of them says, "Hey wait...what's this? What's happening?" We hear suction and a violent scream, followed by a dial tone.

    Shit you not.

  4. TWB: did they also screen Nightmare on Elm Street or Halloween while they were at it?

  5. ::clutches pearls::

    Why, heavens, no! Corrupting our youth with that satanic garbage? The very idea!

  6. Wow. I... just... wow. What was the mental process that lead to this?

    "I know, let's draw a kids book showing fetus's like they were toddlers!"
    "That's a great idea! Toddlers capable of adult speech patterns, despite the lack of brains and vocal chords, of course. But not adult reasoning: you can't write what you don't know, haha!"
    "I think we're onto something here! Let's utterly fail to make any distinction between a dish of frozen cells and a fully formed child!"
    "While simultaniously demonizing science and technology?"
    "That goes without saying."

    Reality Ensues: Umbert is born with significant genetic defects, and dies at age 3. Vita is stillborn, and her mother dies in childbirth. Frodo, like 99% of the other frozen cells, is destroyed: but one of his dishmates becomes the beautiful child of a responable, but sterile, couple. 2B and Not 2B join the clone army and get their moment in the spotlight when they KILL ALL THE JEDI. And Dr. Dubious and Dwight re-locate to an ancient remote castle in Pennsylvania (due to a spelling error), and both are much happier there, digging up graves and sending re-animated monsters down to terrorise the townfolk. Next year they might even be able to afford a lightning rod.

  7. The Woeful Budgie said...
    "Oh dear god. You just reminded me of an anti-abortion themed assembly my school hosted back in junior high. My memory is (mercifully) fuzzy, but I do remember this skit..."

    Imagine a similarly dramatised account of something else:

    Jeff: "Where are we going guys? What's the rush?"
    Bill: "We've gotta find her, man!"
    Jeff: "Find who? What's going on?"
    Roger: "The dark journey of the soul... that's what's going on."
    Jeff: "Will someone please tell me... are you okay, Kenny?"
    Kenny: "I don't know... if I can... keep up..."
    Jeff: "C'mon Kenny, just little further. You can make it."
    Kenny: "Just leave me behind guys, I'll only slow you down."
    Bill: "No! No man get's left behind! We have to find her!"
    Roger: "Yeah, sure, what Jeff said."
    Bill: "I'm Bill."
    Roger: "Nobody cares."
    Jeff: "Oh no... Kenny, you're falling behind! Run faster!"
    Kenny: "AAA! Guys, help! I'm being cru-"
    Jeff: "Oh dear god, not Kenny!"
    Bill: "The bastards!"
    Roger: "Yeah, sure. Whatever."
    Jeff: "How can you be so heartless?! Kenny just died."
    Roger: "We all die... eventually,"
    Jeff: "You emo asshole! I'll kill you!"
    Roger: "You can't. You have no hands."
    Jeff: "Crud!"
    Bill: "OMG!"
    Jeff: "Please use real words."
    Bill: "There she is! CHAAAAARRRRGE!"
    Lucy: "Oh... fuck."


    Jeff: "Are you guys okay?"
    Roger: "My soul is in eternal torment, trapped in this doomed husk."
    Jeff: "Err, yeah... but your body's okay?"
    Roger: "Whatever."
    Jeff: "Yeah, you're fine. Bill? Where are you."
    Bill: "I'm here."
    Jeff: "Glad you're alive."
    Bill: "But it's over. We didn't get there in time. Someone else got to her first."
    Jeff: "Yeah."
    Roger: "Meh."
    Jeff: "So... what do we do now?"

  8. Wow. That took me a couple of takes, but now I see it is a fun tale of sperm. Or mini-tadpoles as Jesus would say.

  9. This is just reusing a concept from the 60's - a cartoon series called "Eggbert" (originally black and white)


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