Children: The Harbingers of Immorality

gay, marriage, prop 8, same sex, children, divorce, premarital, adultery, ivf, immoral, immorality
or "Asking the Obvious Question"

The Playful Walrus is determined to ask the obvious question when it comes to other people's private lives:

WHERE IS THE MOTHER? We know these two guys did not conceive and carry these children. If they rescued these kids from a group home, that's a different matter than breaking up a marriage, making babies out of wedlock, or intentionally depriving these children of a mother. Since the media loves focusing on couples with kids in these stories, I will keep asking the obvious question every time they fail to answer it.

Now, you might say Walrus is combining bigotry with an unseemly interest in other people's private lives, but I say why stop at gay couples' children? Children potentially represent all kinds of immorality: divorce, premarital sex, adultery, IVF (but what about the zygotes!), the list goes on.

So I say don't just ask gay couples where the mother/father is, ask that question of any child you see on the street with only one adult accompanying them. Sure, daddy or mommy might be at work, or simply might have stayed at home, but surely we all have the right to make sure we're not witnessing the results of a divorce, or even worse, a couple who never did get married. Of course, it's entirely possible you may confront a recent widow/widower, but don't let that stop you.

But why stop there?

What about divorce, or what about all those women who just can't help but spreading their legs for every guy who comes along, and then pass off their children as their spouse's, another favorite topic of the Walrus? Those children represent immorality so any time you see a child that does not resemble the man (s)he is with, you should inquire as to the paternity. In fact, you may just want to go ahead and take a DNA sample, just to be sure. Don't let a little thing like an assault charge stop you.

What about the use of IVF? They don't just fertilize one egg, you know. And they don't store the rest of the frozen darlings forever, either. So, if you see a family composed of what looks suspiciously like multiples, you should ask how they were conceived. Don't let anyone tell you it's not your business, it totally is.

What about those childless couples you see? Well, they're just selfish and paving the way for the muslim takeover of the world. So the next time you see a man and a woman out in public without children, you should make sure they're taking their reproductive responsibilities seriously. Sure, their children could be at home, and you run the risk of asking that question of someone whose child just died, but don't let that stop you in your quest to save the world's children.

What about older couples with young children? You know that's some kind of immorality. Sure, it could just be grandma and grandpa taking their grandchildren out for some fun, but it could be the horror of older people having babies, or grandparents forced to raise their grandchildren due to their children's uncontrollable immorality, which is always the parents' fault, anyway.

Frankly, I think Playful Walrus hasn't gone far enough. Though, if you're going to root out all the immorality those little things some people call the future represent, Walrus is spot on: you shouldn't let a little thing like common decency get in your way.