Solved the Problem

Robert Rector of National Review Online has solved the problem of poverty by putting sarcastiquotes around the word "poor".

Today, the U.S. Census Bureau will release its annual poverty report. The report is expected to show an increase in poverty in 2008 due to the onset of the recession. It is no surprise that poverty goes up in a recession. What is surprising is that every year for nearly three decades, in good economic times and bad, Census has reported more than 30 million Americans living in poverty.

What does it mean to be “poor” in America? For the average reader, the word poverty implies significant physical hardship — for example, the lack of a warm, adequate home, nutritious food, or reasonable clothing for one’s children. By that measure, very few of the 30 million plus individuals defined as “living in poverty” by the government are actually poor. Real hardship does occur, but it is limited in scope and severity.

Well, sure, if you redefine "poor"*, hardly anyone is poor. I'm not homeless, so I'm not poor. I'll keep that in mind while I wear the same, faded clothes I've been wearing for years, while I freeze this winter because I can't afford to turn the heat above 60, and while I walk past the produce section salivating over all the fresh fruits and vegetables I can't ever afford to buy. Asshat.

Let's see why I'm not poor:

Various government reports contain the following facts about persons defined as “poor” by the Census Bureau:

Nearly 40 percent of all poor households actu­ally own their own homes. On average, this is a three-bedroom house with one-and-a-half baths, a garage, and a porch or patio. A porch? That is untold wealth previous generations only dreamed of! First of all, so what? Rector's never heard of Habitat for Humanity or inheritance**? I suppose he's also not considered all the people who were doing well at one point, but aren't anymore. Not to mention all the places where you can get a house for $80,000 or less. As for 3 bedrooms and 1.5 baths- again, so what? Most houses have 3 bedrooms and at least 1.5 baths these days. Very few people want less than that.

Eighty-four percent of poor households have air conditioning. By contrast, in 1970, only 36 percent of the entire U.S. population enjoyed air conditioning. Air conditioning? Wow! So do I. I never turn it on, because I can't afford to, but I do have an air conditioner downstairs. Check out the link, btw, that first air conditioner is $69.

Nearly two-thirds of the poor have cable or satellite TV. Poor people shouldn't be allowed to watch TV. The joys of House and Lost are only for the rich. Seriously.

Only 6 percent of poor households are over­crowded; two-thirds have more than two rooms per person. two rooms? i suppose by that logic, i get four rooms if you're counting the dining room, the living room and the laundry room.

The typical poor American has as much or more living space than the average individual living in most European countries. (These comparisons are to the average citizens in foreign countries, not to those classified as poor.) has he noticed that most European countries are smaller than the state of Pennsylvania? We gots the space here in the US, we uses it.

Nearly three-quarters of poor households own a car; 31 percent own two or more cars. a car, not a mercedes, you spleenweasel. I used to own a car, a 1983 Camaro. It didn't work more often than it did, and it was useless in the snow. I had no idea how rich I was. Beyond that, outside of New York City, can you imagine trying to get by without a car? I don't have to, I do it. Let me tell you, not easy.

Ninety-eight percent of poor households have a color television; two-thirds own two or more color televisions. a color television? that would be impressive- in 1967. I can get a color television, with built in DVD player, for less than $100.

Eighty-two percent own microwave ovens less than $50; 67 percent have a DVD player $35 dollars; 73 percent have a VCR $14.99; 47 percent have a computer $115.

There you have it, I could buy my way out of poverty by selling my microwave, my computer and cancelling Dish Network. Yeah.

Asshat.


*Two can play this game!

**Which would be why I own my home.