Friday, July 31, 2009

So You've Been Left Behind . . .

rapture, god, jesus, bible, premillenial, dispensationalism, satan
I found an honest to goodness left behind letter! (As well as numerous pictures of materials actual people keep in their homes for those of us left behind. I got that comforter for my birthday, btw. It's incredibly light and incredibly warm.) In case you're confused, a left behind letter is a letter written by a believer in the Rapture to their loved ones to be read after the Rapture occurs. Mind you, these people believe that every Real True Christian(tm), as well as every child under a certain age (around puberty, cuz puberty is Teh Sinful), has disappeared off the planet, en masse, in the "twinkling of an eye". Consider the insanity that would follow such an event, and then read the letter.

Dear loved ones and friends:

Please forgive me if I don’t begin this letter with a proper salutation because i'd totally be offended by a lack of "proper salutation" after every child on the planet has disappeared, but since I don’t know who will read it when the time comes, I can’t properly address it to any particular person. Suffice it to say that it is intended for anyone who reads it. It is early January, 2002, as I type this, and early June of the same year as I revise it (and just a few months later--late August--as I post this online version on Geocities). (Now that it's 2009 and Geocities will be going out of commission later this year, I'm moving it, and all my other Web sites, to Webs.com.) , as I’ve said. the fact that 7 years has passed and still no Rapture hasn't fazed her a bit!.

By the time you read this letter i'll be dead. no, wait, ascended into heaven. it is too totally different!, millions of people will have disappeared from the earth--including me! I’ve printed some information from the Internet, and enclosed a booklet titled “What to Do if You Miss the Rapture!” and a video titled “Have You Been Left Behind?”--all of which will explain what happened, and what you need to do. I’m including that information with the hard-copy version of this letter, along with a pocket-sized New Testament, a separate copy of the Gospel of John, and several salvation tracts. food, water and medicine to help you survive the ensuing chaos, not so much. First, though, I want to say a few things.

What’s happened is that God has taken all Christians to Heaven. which is entirely unlike death in every way. Every person who received Jesus as Lord and Savior, and every baby and child who’s below the age of accountability (or, rather, not old enough to understand the concept of sin and what it can do puberty) has been taken to be with the Lord. He’s given us brand-new bodies--bodies that will never die, or get sick or hurt. sucks to be you, down there on earth in your old, dying, sick, hurting body. anyway . . . And not only has He called all live Christians to Heaven, He has resurrected every Christian and child who’s died since Jesus ascended to Heaven, 2,000 years ago. everyone before that can suck it! He’s given them the same kinds of bodies He’s given us. (If you visit the area cemeteries, you’ll discover that many of the graves are now empty.) Not only are all adult and teenage born-again Christians gone, so are the babies and young children, both the living and the dead. They’ve been taken up, too, as I’ve said.

(BTW, there may be supposed Christians who were left behind. If so, you need to know this: many think they are Christians simply because they try to be good people, or because they go to church, or because they come from Christian families. Only the person who recognizes his sinfulness and makes the decision to accept Jesus’ offer of salvation can go to Heaven, and these people have failed to do that. If you want to read about how Jesus saved my soul, click on this link.) they weren't Real True Christians(tm) like me! and now they'll pay for it!

The first thing I want you to know is this: I am not dead! I am in Heaven, yes, but I did not die to go up there. first of all, what is the difference to this left behind loved one? and how does this "fact" help them with their grief? you're still gone. That's right, my soul and spirit are still firmly attached to my body, which is now made of a material that can live in both Heaven and on earth! teflon? (It's the same material that Jesus' body is made of. spandex?) I am just as alive and well as I was before I left earth, and maybe more so. So please don’t grieve. what is this, the fourth paragraph of gloating so far? i'm in heaven, make of teflon (or possibly spandex) and you're stuck down there!

The reason I’m typing this is because my concern, now, is for you. and the gloating. it's delicious. You need to know what’s going to happen and what you need to do. The information I printed out and stored in the envelope will explain, better than I can, those things--please read it! All of it! And watch the video, too! It’s vital that you do so, and I’ll tell you why. boy, i hope i don't get killed by the antichrist while reading this apparently useless letter. the videos are better! ! !!

What happened to the other Christians and me is something that God predicted 2,000 years ago. Long before that, He predicted that there would be a resurrection of the good and the wicked, but only after Jesus came did He predict that there would be a generation of believers that would never know death, but go to Heaven without dying. you know, the people that actually knew Jesus were expecting to be that generation. suckas! We are part of that generation, and I had the privilege of being caught up when the day came. man this woman can gloat! We will be in Heaven for 7 years or more, until Jesus comes back to this planet. and then it's back to earth for us. with you. and your sucky, nonteflon body.

In the meantime, terrible times are coming for the people left on the earth. too bad you're not made of teflon. There will be a 7-year period that the Bible calls the Tribulation, and Jesus Himself said that it would be so bad that unless He cut it short, no one would be saved. he could cut it short, but he won't. god's a dick like that. Thankfully, Jesus said that, for the sake of those who accept Him during that period, those days will be shortened. by death! Unfortunately, the vast majority of people will die while the Tribulation’s in progress. God’s wrath will be poured out on the world during that time. It will be His last-ditch effort to get people’s attention so they’ll turn to Him because simply holding a news conference, or arranging every star in the sky to read "believe in me" wasn't an option.; unfortunately, the majority of the people will refuse to listen, and will die and go to Hell as a result.

My plea and my prayer is that you will not be among those people!!! if you're going to die, die believing. Please heed what I’m writing, what the people who wrote the information I printed out wrote, and what’s explained on the video. I can’t promise that you’ll survive physically, actually, according to what i just said, you won't. but if you’ll do what I’m telling you, I promise that you will survive spiritually, not as good a deal as my teflon body, but what can you do? and then when it’s over, you’ll be resurrected, too--to spend eternity with Jesus. When that happens, we’ll be together again, always.

There will soon be a one-world government, headquartered in Europe, and its leader will be an extremely wicked man that the Bible calls by a number of names--the Antichrist, the Man of Sin, the beast, etc. no, he's never referred to as the antichrist, but whatever. He will sign a 7-year covenant with Israel that will officially start the Tribulation. The Antichrist will be possessed by Satan himself, will have the ability to deceive people, and will demand worship. but god, in his infinite mercy, will totally blame you for being deceived by a powerful, supernatural being. you know, mercy. And the way he’ll get it is this: he’ll set in motion a system where people have to accept in the hand or forehead something that the Book of Revelation calls a mark. No one will be able to buy, sell, or hold a job without one. To receive the mark, they’ll have to worship the Antichrist and reject all other gods, including the true God. To make it worse, there will come a time when anyone who refuses the mark (which will be either a tattoo or, more likely, a computer implant) will be martyred. mercy is a relative term.

Please, please, don’t--I repeat, do NOT--accept that mark!!!! accept the martyring. The Bible makes it very plain that to do so will be an unforgivable sin. Anyone who does will be condemned to Hell for all eternity--they will not be able to accept Jesus as Savior if they’ve accepted the Antichrist’s mark. If you take it, we’ll never be together again, and you will suffer God’s wrath forever. i recommend a heroin addiction. you may as well have fun with your ability to buy things. I don’t want that to happen to you; PLEASE heed what I’m saying! I beg you. who actually says "heed"?

When the 7-year period ends, Jesus will return to Earth, and we who were Raptured or resurrected will come with him--on white horses! teflon bodies and ponies! Jesus will bind the devil and lock him in a bottomless pit for a thousand years. and then let him back out. for no apparent reason. Everyone who accepted the mark and worshipped the Antichrist--those who are still alive when He comes--will die. slaughtered by Jesus while the people on white horses watch. Those believers in Jesus who survived the Tribulation will go into Jesus’ new Kingdom as mortal believers. no teflon bodies for you! They will marry, have children, and hold jobs or own their own businesses. what sort of business does one own after most of the world's population is roasting in hell? They will live throughout the 1000-year period. The only people who will die during the Millennium will be unbelievers who commit serious sins wait- unbelievers? (some of the believers’ children, grandchildren, etc., will be unbelievers, sad to say with Jesus standing right there? seriously? that's like not believing in trees.).

I want you all to be part of this, too--those of you who were left behind--so I’m leaving you this information, both this online version and the hard-copy version. I’m also leaving you my Bibles, my Bible prophecy books (both nonfiction and novels), and my other Christian books, videos, audiocassettes, and CDs. Please read them, watch them, and listen to them; in particular, watch the video I’ve enclosed with the hard-copy version of this letter, read the information in the manila envelope, and read my Bibles--they’re yours now. And pray that God will protect you and guide you, because now as never before, your lives depend on your doing so. because being martyred is "protection". mm hmmm.

That’s all I can think of to say right now, so I’ll close off here. Now that you’ve read my letter, please read carefully the information I included in the manila envelope with it, and watch the video. The video itself is just 15-20 minutes long, so it won’t take you long to watch it all. 15-20 minutes, in fact. I will pray that God will see you through the times that are coming right up until you are martyred for following my instructions, so that we can be together again. Until then, know that I love you!

If you are able to survive till then, you will do the same.
the same what? If not, you will be resurrected and given a new body, and you’ll be part of the new Kingdom, too. And either way, we’ll be together once more, and it will be a happy time, believe me! happy except for mourning all the people who died horribly and then went to hell for all eternity. Then, after 1,000 years, God will sentence the devil to be trapped forever in a horrible lake of fire (along with everyone who refused to accept Jesus). wtf? He’ll destroy this earth, and create a brand-new one and a brand-new universe to go with it. cuz this one's getting a little run down. even god likes that new house smell. Everyone who had a personal relationship with God will live with God on that new earth forever, in the kind of resurrection bodies those of us who were Raptured or resurrected are enjoying now. see, eventually you get teflon bodies! it just takes a while.

22 comments:

  1. Dear Jebus, why? Oklahoma, again, seriously?

    All her ideas are straight from Left Behind. The thing about unbelievers right in front of Jesus is also from the Left Behind series. I have one thing to say to her.

    IT IS FICTION AND BAD FICTION AT THAT! GET A FUCKING LIFE!

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  2. "What to do if you miss the Rapture,"?

    Jump for joy, I'd say.
    Have a party.
    No longer worry what crazy crap your kids are going to hear at school today.

    The list is nearly endless.

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  3. Dear god, that's awful. The letter and the mindset, but mostly the letter. Oy. How would anyone take that seriously? If I came across this after my kid disappeared, I would be so pissed off at her I would never want to spend an eternity with her.

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  4. I gotta be honest. I kinda gave up on this one about five paragraphs in.

    Something tells me that's not the response I'm supposed to have to the most important letter in the history of ever...

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  5. Beamstalk,
    What do you expect? They're used to reading bad fiction and believing it's fact.

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  6. By the way, to prove that not all Oklahomans are crazy. In Tulsa by November the latest, there will be a Billboard saying "Don't Believe In God? You Are Not Alone."

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  7. Can we get those things in NEPA? I ride the bus every day, and I would be tickled pink to ride in a godless bus.

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  8. Oh my Gawd. I think that belief in the Rapture is mass psychosis.

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  9. I know a lot of people who actually believe that nonsense.

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  10. "Don't Believe In God? You Are Not Alone."

    Y'know what? I think that's my favorite one so far. By a long distance.

    I mean, the Atheist Bus Campaign people claim that the entire purpose of the ads is to let other atheists know they're not alone. Yet they kind of go off the deep end attempting to be clever. This is one of those cases where simple truly is the best way to go.

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  11. My favorite thing about the "Don't Believe in God" billboards is that you must truly be skilled at twisting the truth to claim this is offensive.

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  12. Okay, that was...

    Well, even without the MST3K treatment (which, I'll admit, it richly deserved)the description of that "future history", or prophecy, or whatever you want to call it... was just lame.

    This is the hope she's living for? That she'll be swept away to Heaven (without dying, whatever that means), Satan will take over, Jesus will return, Satan will return, Jesus will drop Satan in a lake of fire, and finally G-d will just make a new world and start over? C'mon. It reads like an eight-grade fanfic - the kind of thing I used to fall back on when I'd clearly written myself into a corner for one set of characters or another.

    "Rocks fall! Everybody dies!"

    Michael Mock

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  13. You have to feel sorry for them, don't you?


    Don't you?

    You don't?


    Oh, ok.

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  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  15. *ahem*

    As self-styled resident grammarian I need to point out that an omniscient being is by definition incapable of "predicting" anything. An omniscient being either knows or knows NOT. So god cannot have "predicted" anything 2,000 years ago. If god is omniscient, then god either knew or knew NOT. ("NOT" meaning, sort of how Creation would by necessity be an act of Destruction: to Create being one must Destroy nothingness.) (So basically I just argued that there is no god but Shiva, and the wrecking ball is his prophet.) (Or I just proved that this woman is a really shitty writer.) (Not that it needed proof.)

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  16. I sort of do, also. I used to believe this crap, though it was never fully explained out to me in terms like Left Behind.

    What happens is they insulate themselves with people that agree with them. Thus reinforcing the delusion. If confronted with anything that disagrees with the delusion, then most will retreat further into the delusion and at times break ties with anyone or anything that proves them wrong.

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  17. If confronted with anything that disagrees with the delusion, then most will retreat further into the delusion and at times break ties with anyone or anything that proves them wrong.


    See: Reality

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  18. This being america and the land of credit cards and instant gratification; I want my teflon body now. I don't want to wait for the rapture. Surely this body can be purchased with the right amount of credit and connections.
    BTW. Great commentary. I chuckled all the way through.

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  19. ....wow. that was hilarious commentary to an equally hilarious (albeit extremely sad) letter...

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  20. I read something recently along the lines of: All rapture believing people should have their drivers' licenses revoked.

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