Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Word of Advice: Stop Trying to Be Relevant

There is nothing sadder than some old, out of touch guy trying to be relevant to today's youth. I say this as someone who has no real idea who Justin Bieber is or why I would be interested in Jacob or Edward, let alone pick a team, or even how to sign up for said teams. (Is there a uniform? Practices?) I know fashion has turned back around to leggings and the sort of skin-tight jeans/loose-top outfit I wore in high school. I'm still wearing wide leg trousers and boot cut jeans. (Leggings didn't look good on anyone then, they don't look any better now. And get the hell off my lawn- I just put down fertilizer!)

So I mock Lane Palmer with a great deal of sympathy. And don't let this happen to you.

Do you believe in aliens? Surveys show that more and more folks are open to the idea that we are not alone in this ginormous universe … that lurking out there - or maybe even here - are beings that are definitely different in nature and not at home on this planet.

Like Teletubbies - right? I mean, if Tinky Winky and Dipsy who annoyingly repeat the phrase “Bibberly cheese!” aren’t aliens, I’m not sure what would qualify…

Then there’s the new Sci-Fi series called V that has a lot of people talking. The V stands for “visitor” - as in aliens who are “visiting” Earth, but it seems pretty clear that they are not here to chill out and try and figure out great mysteries like why so many humans get into arguments over Edward and Jacob.

The visitors are on a mission to conquer the planet, and this just might be…

The end of humanity! Nooooooooo!!! (Cue the epic music.)

Le sigh. Remember the bit about "definitely different in nature" and "not at home on this planet", it comes up later. Teletubbies? Dude, so last century. Seriously freaky, I'll grant you, but the kids have all moved on to . . . something. And V was seriously disappointing. Although it's always good to see Inara Serra getting work.

I'm not clicking on that music link. I'll bet you anything it's not so much epic as really sad. An affront to my soul, in all probability.

Personally, I like being an alien. Not that its always easy, but having a “stranger in a strange land” mentality helps me get why life on planet Earth just seems so messed up at times.

Don’t worry, I haven’t lost my mind - not yet anyway. I call myself an alien because that’s what God calls Christians:

blahblahblah biblequote blahblahblah

You are not, contrary to your picture, an alien. You aren't even an undocumented worker. Get over yourself.* In what way are you "definitely different in nature" and "not at home on this planet"? Is the oxygen content of the atmosphere inappropriate for your breathing apparatus? Is your dna some sort of triple helix amazement?

The day that I trusted in Jesus Christ as my only hope of salvation, something incredible happened. I ceased being just a person and became a child of God. I was freed from the chains of humanity that would have you believe that joy and contentment can come from anything in this world. My true citizenship and home is in heaven, so my life is now an alien journey on planet Earth.

So here's me, just a person, and here's you, a child of God. Here's me, bound by the chains of humanity, foolishly believing that Girl Genius and puppies can bring me joy. (And those fish sandwiches. If that's not joy, I'm not sure I can handle joy.) It's not really joy, that's just the human talking. This grander, better species that is the Christian knows better.

On the show V, the aliens are there to distract, deceive, and ultimately destroy the native folks, and that is obviously why the Christian kind of “visitor” is on a completely different mission. Our task is to:

Live an exemplary life among the natives so that our actions will refute their prejudices. Then they'll be won over to God's side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives (1 Peter 2:12, The Message).

Wait, who's got prejudices? You're crowing about being a whole different species from me, with my chains and my limited understanding, and I've got prejudices? Do you own a fucking dictionary?

Isn’t that incredible? As believers in Jesus Christ, we get to show our “alien-ness” by loving the unloved, forgiving our offenders, and passing along the greatest message in all the universe:

Yeah, I'll take Inara's aliens. They're probably planning on eating us, but at least that's quick.

This gospel message is also alien, because it wasn’t invented by any human mind. The gospel is from the mind of God and is the power of God. It is capable of transforming any guilt-ridden, hopeless life into unbelievable meaning, purpose, and value.

Funny, it doesn't really sound any different than any other religious message. Muslims promise paradise for spreading Islam, too. Buddhism promises enlightenment, a form of paradise. Good followers of Thor get to fight beside him for all eternity. (It's a reward if you happen to be a follower of Thor.) Good Hindus get to be reincarnated as something better in their next life, eventually earning the life of a sacred cow. (Sounding better and better the older I get.) That's what religions do: promise a reward for following the rules.

Are you feeling a bit alienated and alone at times? Unfortunately, that’s a part of following Christ. To feel not at home and rejected by a culture that cares only about selfish personal happiness and limitless pleasure is natural when you dare 2 share a Christ-like life and the gospel message. But remember that no matter how dark and lonely the path, there is an amazing end to the journey – “then they'll be won over to God's side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives.”

Yeah. I wish I had limitless pleasure. If any of you have the secret to that, let me know. I also enjoy the promise nobody can call you on, you know, until they die. Until somebody comes back from a significant period of time spent dead** and tells me all about heaven or hell, I'm just not buying it.

The end for us aliens is actually just the beginning! Jesus Christ is returning to gather all His followers, and there is going to be a homecoming party that is beyond your wildest imagination.

Ah, the Rapture! A homecoming party that involve the slaughter of most of the world. That sounds great!

I’m sure you’re familiar with the common alien phrase: “Take me to your leader.”

Well, fellow alien … let’s turn that around and ask our friends and family this: “Would you like to meet my Leader?”

Yes, yes I would. Unfortunately, you can't actually produce your leader, can you? Just an old book, translated and then translated again, with no historical proof to back it up, but plenty of inconsistencies to prove it wrong. I'll stick with getting eaten by the Vs, thank you very much.

*I think I'm a teensy bit cranky today. 34 years old and I finally got allergies. Yeesh.

** More than 4 minutes at room temperature or longer at freezing temperatures. The brain survives just fine without oxygen for about 4 minutes, so anything in that range can be explained by hallucinations.


  1. The secret to limitless pleasure? Well, Bob promises his followers eternal sex on Planet X after they die. Throw in a guacamole omelet for breakfast and that's limitless pleasure enough for me...

  2. Wait - where exactly do you get these fish sammiches? Hubby-created only?

    Will he Fed Ex them overnight?

  3. You know, out of all of that, for some reason the "dare 2 share" is what really slays me. I mean, I sputtered.

  4. If you're reasonably good at cooking, I can get you the recipe. There's this mayo/garlic/rosemary/feta thing that goes on top prior to boiling that is just droolworthy.


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