Saturday, July 31, 2010

Things to Say

So, according to this, HAIL SATAN! is not something I should be saying during sex. Who knew?

Friday, July 30, 2010

Borrowed Time

I thought about mocking up a standard loan document for the borrowing of time in response to this, but that probably would be funny only to me.

Holy fucking shit! The name of the blog I linked to is Truth Matters, but the url is


AAAAHHHH!

Wait, is that blood tipped dears or blood tipped ears?

Does it matter?

So, continuing on:

"The average person in the world today, without faith and without God and without hope,

I am without faith and without god, but I am not without hope. I guess I'm not average. Why are his ears tipped in blood?

is engaged in a desperate personal search throughout his lifetime.

maybe this doesn't apply to women, for i am certainly engaged in a search that is personal, but it isn't desperate.

He does not really know where he has been.

no, that's the 'ludes. i know where i've been.

He does not really know what he is doing here and now.

i'm typing a blog post. lighten up on the 'ludes. it all makes more sense that way.

He does not know where he is going.

pretty much the theme of every song in the 60s.

The sad commentary is that he is doing it all on borrowed time and borrowed money and borrowed strength;

what? borrowed money? that doesn't really make sense in context. from whom are we borrowing this time and money and strength and blood tipped ears? god? if i'm without god that hardly makes sense. if you're going to try to tell me that my life is something that i can assure you it is not, do try to make some kind of sense. you arrogant asshat.

and he already knows that in the end he will surely die!

really not a surprise to anyone over the age of 5.

Man, made more like God than any other creature, has become less like God than any other creature.

i have long suspected that dogs were far more likely to get into heaven than anyone i know.

Created to reflect the glory of God, he has retreated sullenly into his cave; reflecting only his own sinfulness. Certainly it is a tragedy above all tragedies in this world that man, made with a soul to worship and praise and sing to God's glory, now sulks silently in his cave." A.W. Tozer

hmmm. i was always bad at that worshiping and praising and singing to god's glory. maybe i just wasn't made right. maybe i just don't have a soul at all. maybe some people shouldn't resolve their ego issues by creating people solely for the purposes of being worshipped. by people with bloody ears.



Thursday, July 29, 2010

Little Girl Superpowers

The TV was on when I woke up this morning and as I was making coffee and such I caught a kid's show on Nickelodeon called Umizoomi. I wasn't really paying attention until they got into the "superpowers" of the three stars of the show.

The robots superpower was that the TV screen in his torso could show any image he wanted.

The boy's superpower was the ability to make any shape he wanted, and to combine them into things. During the portion of the show that I caught, he made a sailboat and a helicopter. Now that's a useful superpower!

The girl's superpower was . . . wait for it . . . she could change the pattern of the fabric of her dress.

I am not making this up. The boy make a helicopter, the girl changed her dress from blue to flowery. This was advertised as a superpower.



Love Is Hate. War is Peace. Knowledge is Ignorance.

I don't know if George Orwell spoke to any fundys prior to writing 1984, or if fundys use 1984 as some sort of manual, but they do have the whole Newspeak thing down.

God is love and says homosexuals should die.

The Prince of Peace wants us to go to war with Islam.

The knowledge being sought at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is only ignorance in the end. The scientists at the LHC are closer to discovering the Higgs boson aka "the God Particle". This is big news. Really big, cool, awesome science news. So what's the fundy response? Predictable, for one thing.

"Professing to be wise, they became fools," (Romans 1:22)

Um, okay. I'm not sure the researchers at LHC professed to be wise, but whatever. As soon as your little book contains an explanation of mass, scientists at LHC can stop looking for that explanation. Oh, wut, your book doesn't contain an explanation other than goddidit? Okay, then, carry on, LHC researchers.

I tend to agree with Shonsu. It is a bit foolish of them.

There's nothing inherently wrong with exploring the mystery of creation, but to assume we can understand it is arrogance in the extreme. Those scientists that tout the big bang theory should realize that something on that magnitude is beyond our comprehension right now. The truth is even harder to understand because God created all things and only He knows how that worked.

Assuming that these scientists actually did discover this particle, what would they do with it? Man is sinful by nature, and ten-fold in those like the majority of scientists who don't know God. I think at best, it would make man even more arrogant in his self-proclaimed intelligence. At worst, it's an invitation to play God even more than humanity already does.

Some knowledge is not meant for man. We simply cannot handle it responsibly. The Garden is the first of many examples.

So, you won't understand it anyway, and you'll probably just make a bomb with it. Which is like refusing to teach your child to read because it's not like she can understand everything ever read, and she'll probably just write bad fanfic eventually anyway. So, the next time you take antibiotics, remember that you shouldn't, because the same theories that led to antibiotics led to biological warfare and that's bad, so all such science is bad.

DOOMED! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!

They're trying to imply that there is a particle responsible for creation rather than a Creator. It's a form of replacement theology, in this case replacing God with the Higgs Boson.

That's right. We shouldn't follow any line of scientific inquiry that disagrees with the Bible, no matter how factual it is. In which case we shouldn't have listened to Galileo, because the Bible is pretty darn clear about where the sun falls in relation to the earth. Rearrange your kid's solar system projects, everybody!


When Babel tried to "make a name for itself" God conceded that little would be restrained from them (unified language, etc). So he made sure their tower project backfired. They weren't trying to reach God to find out what He wanted. They wanted to enlist God in their own endeavors. Or maybe just be Gods themselves.

If the "particle" scientists are only looking for a way to explain God away by confirming the Big Bang Theory, then they are just getting their "Babel-On" (sorry).

Christian scientists like Leeuwenhook, the father of microbiology, claerly stated that everything he discovered was just further proof of the wonder of God's creation. I'm glad he found the germs -eventually surgeons decided to wash their hands before opening their patients.

It's a matter of motive.

That's, um, interesting. You can only explore the universe around you if your motives are properly christian. Yeah. Otherwise god will Babelize you. Which kinda makes you wonder why god didn't Babelize anyone working on the atomic bomb. Or weaponized anthrax. Or gunpowder. Prince of Peace, indeed.

The important thing to remember is, if science disagrees with the Bible, than our understanding is wrong, not God.

So, bats are birds and insects have four legs? Good to know.

And for the ultimate in doublethink, narcissism and Do You Not See the Irony Here?, I leave you with:

that is what they are trying to do, is "prove" there is no God. They just do not want most to realize that these scientists went in with a preconceived notion that they are going to show/prove to us ignorant "religious" idiots that God does not exist.

Their evidence would already be tainted with their conclusions that they base on their own superstitious belief that science is the "be all, end all" of knowledge.

They approach their science with false logic. Their logic is, "that once they show this and that are true, it excludes a God is at the heart of it".

I guess what I am trying to say is that these scientists have already tainted their search with a preconceived notion. They are trying to make the evidence fit their belief in their religion, science.

The place where you see real innovation, real research, is those that approach science with an open mind to just simply finding the truth for whatever they do.

Honest searching demands honest intent.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Lame Sex

Is your sex life lame*? Do you think Jesus can help with that? Well, I've got a website for you: MyLameSex.com

I am not making this up.

Is your sex life what you hoped it would be? Does something inside of you believe it could be better? And is better ultimately about a new technique or the latest lotion?

Is it possible that what we don’t know about sex itself (about how men and women are wired), is actually what we really keep stumbling over? Is it possible that the one who created sex would actually have some insights into sex?

Surprisingly, God is pro sex and wants us to have an exciting and deeply fulfilling sex life. The problem is that most of us only experience a second rate imitation of what God intended it to be!

Would you be willing to keep an open mind and open heart while we have a conversation? All you have to lose is your lame sex life.

The youtube video that comes up is entitled "The Headache- Sex Excuse #1". So, yeah, I'm going to make some guesses about god's amazing insights into my sex life.

If you feel like messing with some Christians, there's a sex poll. I enjoyed letting them know that godless, unmarried heathens have no issues with sex, have sex more than 6 times a week, and are fully satisfied each time.

Heh.



*I assume they mean in the sense of "cool things the kids are saying these days" and not "disabled".

Unnaturally Revealing


It's like there's some sort of cycle when it comes to flaunting my breasts on this blog. Nothing will come up that demands it (I refuse to simply flaunt for no reason. Hell's a classy place, after all.) , and then several things in a row will force me to splash my breasts all over the internet.

Take for example, a new survey on modesty:

Administered by a Christian website, the survey questions were submitted by “Christian girls” who wanted to know what “Christian guys” think is modest. 1,600 guys then answered the survey, offering both quantitative and qualitative answers.

95% of those guys agree or strongly agree that modesty is an important quality in a future wife. How do they define modesty:

Something that is immodest is something that is designed to arouse lust within me (male, age 24).

Something that is immodest is something that is unnaturally revealing (male, age 20).

Something immodest draws attention to a girl’s body (male, age 28).

"Designed to arouse lust"? What does that mean? What if the clothing is not "designed" to arouse lust, but it does anyway? Does that count? How is that my problem, anyway? "Unnaturally revealing" is even worse. What is naturally revealing? "Draws attention to a girl's body"? As in . . . clothing?


Something attractive draws you toward them. It makes you respect the person. Something immodest is usually unattractive. It makes you think less of that person, thinking of them as an object… (male, age 16).

Actually, I shouldn't have to "make" you treat another human being with respect. You should be able to treat anyone, dressed any way with respect.

My responsibility is to not treat women as objects for my satisfaction, even if they dress and act like it. It devalues them, and makes me a user of people… (male, age 26).

Translation: I have to treat sluts like ladies, even if all they deserve is a gang rape in an alley. I'm not feeling generous.

So, to get more specific so we can ensure that male, age 16 and male, age 26 are treating us with respect, a breakdown of what is and is not unnaturally revealing:

Haltertops: 75% say are immodest

Miniskirts: 93% immodest

44% say decorative stitching on the back pockets of jeans are immodest

19% say a pocket on the chest of a shirt is immodest, 25% aren't sure whether that pocket is immodest or not.

Purses worn across the body are immodest to almost half of respondents. Seriously, you're calling for a burqa at this point, boys.

Tights with designs on them are too much for 39% of respondents.

Amost 50% feel a shirt with a design across the chest is immodest.

So, yeah, burqas.

But there's more. Modesty isn't just a matter of a loose, plain t-shirt, a long skirt and nonpatterned tights, it's behavior, too. A mental burqa, if you will.

An immodest lady is loud, proud, and dresses in a way that communicates such an attitude (male, age 24).

Something becomes immodest when the person wearing it has an attitude of carelessness (male, age 17).

If you are dressing to get attention from a guy, then anything you wear can be immodest (male, age 13; my emphasis).

Loud and proud are immodest. Carelessness is immodest. Anything at all is immodest. (Though to be fair, that last one is the opinion of a boy at an age where a blank sheet of paper can cause an erection.) Still, proud? Proud? Pride is immodest?

Walking, bending over to pick something up, stretching, breasts bouncing as you walk (mine do that, and they aren't big. this basically requires that women not move.), are all immodest. Why are you moving, girl?! What possible reason could you have for being so immodest? Get inside and stay there!

Check out this definition of immodesty:

Immodest: Screams that her body is different than mine. Attempts to manipulate me. Forcefully offers to trade what I want (in the flesh) for what she wants: attention (male, age 30).

Who wants to bet me $5 that this male, age 30, is a virgin and REALLY REALLY REALLY needs to get laid? Screams. Manipulate. Forcefully. Flesh. I don't need Freud to tell me what his problem is.

The bottom line here is simple. Despite Christian men's lip service to the idea that their lust is their problem, they put it on the women. Can you imagine trying to be modest according to the above rules? No pockets, no decorative stitching, no purse straps across the body. Walk modestly, if you drop something it is gone, and bind down your breasts with duct tape lest they bounce while you walk. Don't be loud, don't be proud, don't be anything at all.

Fuck that noise. You can't handle my immodest breasts and their normal reaction to gravity? Don't look.



Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Control My Vagina Before It Sets the House on Fire!


This picture alone has cause 3 major house fires, a typhoon and a zombie attack.

Female sexuality scares some people and has for a very long time. (See also: Genesis) I can't really figure out why. What is it about a woman who wants to fuck that has men running screaming for the hills? (Well, not all males.*) I personally ascribe to the theory that there are a lot of men with small equipment and no skill who figure that if women have nothing to compare their equipment and skill to, we'll figure it's fine. Which probably explains every time I've ever heard a woman say, "Well, I think I've had an orgasm . . ."**, but that's an entirely different post.

Tradition teaches us that men are appointed the leaders for their families and society. In Genesis, we see man’s undoing in the fall by going along with Eve in sin. I would assert that a key aspect of the fallen nature of men is the tendency to shirk the responsibilities of leadership.

Appeals to tradition are still not valid forms of argumentation. Man's undoing wasn't going along with Eve, it was exactly Eve's undoing: eating from the apple. I don't know about your mother, but my mother didn't give me any sort of a pass when I claimed "but Susie was doing it first!"

Not all men are leaders. That's it. Not all women are leaders. Some men and some women are natural leaders, and they will lead no matter what happens. Some men and some women are not natural leaders and they will never lead, no matter what happens. That's just the way it is. Hell's Rule of Leadership: If I have to get out of the way for you to lead, you're not a leader.

Men do this for a variety of reasons, sometimes for ready sex. When men abidicate this role, it not only leads to a power vacuum but it unsettles those around them. Women become angry and resentful. They grab the reigns and fill in the vacuum. It’s my opinion that the most destructive temptation for women is to seek control and to be in charge. Women are powerful and have many, many tools to control men; they must learn to suppress their fallen inclinations to take control, except when absolutely necessary.

Look, it does a disservice to everyone involved if you expect followers to lead. That's not some sort of anger and resentment specific to women, that's just natural in the situation. Let me put it to you this way: if I left taking the garbage around front on garbage day to Teh Hubby, my house would be the epicenter of a cholera epidemic right now. He's just not good at maintaining a schedule of any kind. In fact, he finds it very confusing when you expect him to do so. He's just so right-brained that kind of thing is impossible for him. There's nothing wrong with that, and his chosen profession allows for that sort of attitude. It just means that I need to be in charge of things like making sure the garbage gets out on the right day and getting the bills paid on time. In this instance, I lead and he follows. We're happy and the electricity remains on.

Now for the money quote:

Just as the power of female sexuality must be constrained by societal norms and traditions (the fire needs to be confined to the fireplace or the house burns down and the inhabitants harmed) so must their temptation to take over the roles of men be overcome.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ahem. As complimented as I am by this notion that were it not for the judicious use of slut shaming, the raw power of my horniness might have ended civilization as we know it, wtf are you talking about? I find it hard to believe that anyone has a sexuality more powerful than my own, and trust me, my hometown is still on the map and no innocent woodland creatures have been harmed. Admittedly, if you try anything that doesn't involve some foreplay at the beginning and an orgasm at the end, you will know my wrath, but that's your own damn fault.

Sadly, when the system breaks down and men fall into a pattern of giving in, women become ever more angry, grab for more power and demand emancipation, making all increasingly unhappy. It’s been shown, as we can clearly see with nearly a century of active feminism, that once women are allowed to enter any sector of male endeavor, they crowd out the men.

Here's his definition of "giving in": allowing wimminz to own property and vote and get an education. All of society collapsed the moment the wimminz were allowed to work aside those poor, frail men, who are completely unable to compete with untamed vaginas and their awesome burning power. You poor widdle men, I'll just go home, take off my shoes and get pregnant so that you can have your rightful place . . .

wait a minute.

how can you fervently argue for unrestrained capitalism and argue that women should be kept out of the workplace because men just can't compete with them? my vagina has nothing on cognitive dissonance that nuclear.



*just for you, [redacted II - Electric Bugaloo]!

** you have not.

Travel Is Wasted on Some People

This is pure evil and should be razed to make way for a megachurch. Or possibly a Walmart.

One of the things that disappoints me most about being poor is that I will never get to travel. I would love, more than anything, to see the pyramids, to see Rome, to see the land of WTF?!, otherwise known as Japan. I want to see unusual things, experience a different culture, learn something new. Some people apparently don't feel the same way.

My daughter has been on a mission trip to Japan this summer. She and her sponsor sent a report on how the trip is going. This is the prayer guide given out in Church. It is info about Kimberly's trip from Kimberly and from her ministry coordinator, Jeff that I would like to share:

“It's 9:17 pm Wednesday here in Tokyo. That would be about 7:17 am
where you are.
Today, we went prayer walking at Asakusa Temple, and it was
devastating. As you enter through the large gates, you see two huge
statues of "protectors" (translation: demons). Beyond that is a
market place and then another gate with yet more demon
representations. As you enter the second gate, you can see people
bowing to the false gods before they enter. Then, you're greeted by
the smell of incense as you watch people stand around an altar,
bathing themselves in the smoke in order to purify themselves. After
that, they go to the right where a large water fountain/basin is
located so that they can rinse their hands and mouths to purify those.
To the left is an atrocity. They have a bronze Buddha called a
"healing Buddha." People rub the place on the idol that needs healing
and then rub themselves in the same stop. It's terrible.
Inside the temple was bad, too. People were throwing money into this
large...thing...and clapping their hands before saying a prayer. Yes,
they have to pay the gods to listen to their prayers and clap to wake
them up. It's the worst. There are two large lantern-like things to
either side in which people place small white birthday candles to pray
for aborted babies (this is normally done by a family who suffered
this tragedy). Beyond this is an area where only members of the
temple can enter in which they pray to false gods. Beyond that is
something similar to the Holy of Holies in the Jewish temple. Only
the monks could enter. I saw someone open the door, and the monks
were simply lounging about."...
"Outside to the right of the temple was a Shinto shrine. There,
someone had brought their new car to get blessed, and we watched as a
shrine priest performed a very long ceremony over it.
These people are lost. They are so spiritually blind. I've never
seen idol worship to this extent before, and it's a sad thing.


The picture at the top of the post is the Sensoji Temple, also known as the Asakusa Kannon Temple, the oldest temple in Tokyo. As you can see, it is an amazing place. I'd probably do nothing but stare open-mouthed for ten minutes as soon as I got there. Not this good Christian. All she sees is evil, idol worship, something to destroy and replace with more of what she could find in any strip mall in America. All the beauty and splendor of the world and religion has made her blind to it. I can't imagine anything more tragic.

The website I linked to, btw, is the website of a Bangledeshi man who loves to travel and take pictures. At least travel isn't wasted on him.

Monday, July 26, 2010

The Child Who Shouldn't Be Here

What the hell does "prolife" mean, anyway? Surely not what a combination of "pro" and "life" would imply, at least not if you pay attention to the attitudes and behaviors of those who claim the word "prolife" so proudly.

My sister-in-law got married Saturday. To please her husband's family, she converted to Catholicism and they were married in the Catholic church his family has attended for generations. This was almost two years after she and her (now) husband had a baby girl. That child (hereinafter "cutest toddler ever") was in attendance at the rehearsal dinner Friday, and by "in attendance", I mean "running around the private dining room squealing HI! at the walls, because that's how 21 month olds are". And we love that. Children are welcome at every celebration in our family, and they are welcome to be children. (Hence private dining rooms and such.)

Also in attendance was the priest performing the ceremony the next day. Who was apparently pretty bitter about being expected to perform the marriage of two nonvirgins. I say this because he repeatedly referred to the cutest toddler ever as "the child who shouldn't be here." At first, we assumed he was against a toddler attending a rehearsal dinner. We found this attitude baffling as we love having all the children in the family at celebrations. It's just not a celebration without them.

It took me a while to realize that this priest, you know, the representative of the organization so prolife they're opposed to condoms, meant the child who shouldn't exist at all. As in the old meaning of the word "bastard". As in, sins of the fathers being visited to the children for seven generations.

As in, a prolifer looking at a gorgeous, happy child, much loved by her family, and seeing something wrong, something offensive, something that shouldn't be.

He's lucky he didn't end up with my fork in his eye.

If my sister-in-law had decided to have an abortion instead of carrying the pregnancy to term, I would have supported her in that decision. But, now that the child is here, she is my family and I love her. I am prochoice, but I will never look at a child and see shame.

Incredibly, the next day, part of the ceremony included an admonition to "accept all the children God gives you." Honestly, I felt like adding "unless that child is born out of wedlock and then we won't accept her. Ever."

I have a very hard time calling these people prolife when it seems they only honor the life they cannot see.

****************

Marginally related side note.

A photo booth at a wedding reception is an amazingly good time. It was busy the entire reception, everyone was in and out of there multiple times (myself, I think 15 times), and the bride and groom get copies of all the pictures, which I'm sure will result in uncontrollable laughter. (There were props!)

The bride left a bucket filled with flip flops by the door at the reception. Within 30 minutes, every woman at the reception was wearing matching flip flops. It was a fantastic idea and we all really appreciated it. (And every single recent bride asked why she didn't think of that.)

The bride also filled up baskets for the restrooms. The woman's basket had tums, advil, tampons, hairspray, nail files, hair pins, a comb, toothbrushes, toothpaste, dental floss, safety pins, a first aid kit, deodorant and a sewing kit. I'm told the men's room was similarly stocked. By the end of the night, most of that did get used. It was a fantastic idea that made all the guests feel very welcome and cared for.

Yay for the Puppy!


Who woke me up this morning by jumping on the bed, standing with two big paws on my chest and drooling onto my face. Yes, the dog is back to his ebullient self, begging for food, tripping people as they walk by and furring everything I own.

I wanted to share with you everything I have learned from the animal stupid enough to eat himself almost to death, and smart enough to not need anyone to tell him that the greatest of these is love.

Love:

A dog loves openly, fully and without reservation and celebrates that love every chance they get. Did I come home from work, exactly as I do every day? YAY! That's fantastic! We should celebrate! Did I leave for work, fully intending to return, as I do every day? That's sad. I'll be missed every second of the day.

Humans take love for granted and we shouldn't. We are lucky to be loved and that love can be ended at a moment's notice by a car accident or an aneurysm or die slowly over time, poisoned by neglect. We should remember how lucky we are and show our appreciation for the people who love us. They are precious, we shouldn't let ourselves forget that.

Teh Judgey:

A dog doesn't care about old or young, gay or straight, rich or poor, black or white. A dog judges you by how you treat him or her. That's it. If you pet and feed a dog, you're in. There's a lot to be said for that, though it's an easier trick for my dog than for any human.

Fun:

Have it. Now, while you can. There's never a bad time to play, never a bad time to enjoy a belly rub, never a bad time to eat. Today's all there is to a dog, and while I certainly understand the benefits of delayed gratification and working for money instead of playing like I want to, I have also learned to enjoy today, to live in the now and let tomorrow be tomorrow.

Forgiveness:

Dogs are happy to forgive the people they love most anything. There's a lot to be said for that. We all make mistakes, so let it go and let's play.

Defend what you care about:

My dog is willing to put his life on the line to protect us from the mailman's evil intentions every day. We should be willing to fight, if only with words on a little blog, for what matters to us.

Thanks to everyone for caring about my dog. It meant a lot to me. He may be only a dog, but he's taught me more than any book, any religion, any person every did.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Your Natural Habitat Does Not Involve Tile and Linoleum


I swear I can hear them laughing as I shriek and attempt to go directly from the shower to out the window while covered in nothing but soap.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Concerning Orcs . . .

There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

Thank you, Kung Fu Monkey!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Friday Is Sex Day Here In Hell

You know Catholic Church officials think is worse than a priest molesting children? A priest having consensual gay sex. With an adult. Who is consenting.

I know, I wasn't surprised by that, either.

Mind you, Catholic Church officials knew they had priests who molested children and protected them by moving them from parish to parish for decades. They didn't call the cops, they didn't kick these priests out of the club, they protected the child molesting priests. But priests who go to gay clubs and have casual sex? They gotta go!

A gay priest sex scandal has rocked the Catholic Church in Italy today after a weekly news magazine released details of a shock investigation it had carried out.

Using hidden cameras, a journalist from Panorama magazine - owned by Italian Prime Minister and media baron Silvio Berlusconi - filmed three priests as they attended gay nightspots and had casual sex.

. . . .

The Vicar of Rome today called on homosexual clergymen in the Catholic Church to “come out” and leave the priesthood.

Yeah. We wouldn't want to give those priests a second chance. They clearly aren't as deserving as child molesters.

On an only somewhat related side note, I find the phrase "casual sex" highly amusing. I've been lots of things during sex, but I can't say I've ever been "casual".

A Rather Bizarre Description of [Insert Euphemism Here]

Sex Ed 101 (Please, if you actually need Sex Ed, this ain't it. Email me. I've given the speech before.)


Human beings have corresponding they write letters to one another? fascinating. sexual organs sex organs. sexual organs, well, that's not what you mean. It's "their", unless you mean one sex organ primary function is to procreate on a biological scientific level. um, what? is there some other level of procreation? nonbiological procreation? unscientific procreation? wut? Human beings comma being social creatures comma do more then just mate and abandon their offspring. because our offspring aren't capable of surviving on their own immediately. in fact, most mammals don't immediately abandon offspring. i'm not sure what the point is here. We all bond and form relationships through our biological kinship as children with our parents. It's how we are able to survive beyond birth. is this advanced tautology or is renee slamming adoption? i have no idea.


Our first social interaction is with our mother, or the doctor slapping your ass. i guess it depends upon what you mean by social. this is something highly encouraged in modern day society. but not 100 years ago? what do you mean?! Babies born for instance commas aren't helping that. "babies born"? as opposed to babies appearing suddenly out of nothing? are placed on the mother's chest, babies are to be with mother's stop molesting the innocent apostrophe. along their bedside, and moms whenever possible are encourage and supported to breastfeed. advanced tautology, then.


We also know through science, women don't just self-produce. i, from science, WUT?! Human life is created with an egg released at the time of ovulation in a woman's body, if sperm is present from the conjugal act (ejaculation of millions of sperm from a man's penis inside a woman's vagina) conception may occur and human life is created.


i can't even imagine what the point was there. really cannot imagine. "conjugal act"? does renee mean fucking? mah brane, it hurtz.


Hopefully for the nest Rouge Angles of Satin strike again! 38 weeks of gestation a human being will be present in a woman's uterus. i don't . . . i . . . "present"? does that make sense? Again hopefully a woman may have natural childbirth and have a new born baby. as opposed to an old born baby? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!


Man + Woman (Heterosexual Sex) = Baby I'm glad renee explained (Heterosexual Sex), because we wouldn't want to confuse anyone that anal or oral sex might result in a baby. or, you know, birth control. or woman on top, that's just wrong.


My six year old is just figuring that one out! yeah, well, if you're the one teaching said sixDASHyearDASHold sex ed, I can see why they don't just understand it.


Not all sex is equal. yeah, [redacted ex] just wasn't nearly as proficient as [other redacted ex]. that's so true. Just saying.... I'm not a hateful bigot, i'm definitely leaning towards stupid bigot who needs to read a freakin' grammar book but I have to say that's a really uninformed poster. i've never found posters to be particularly informed. especially about sex. and biological, scientific babies.


There are plenty of posts here on Opine for anyone who has any more questions on this unique way every human being is created actually, if we're all created that way, it's hardly unique. in fact, basically all mammals procreate the way we do. just not unique, sorry. incredibly fun if ur doin' it rite, but not unique. in which I can link marriage to healthy fathers for a mother's offspring. i can link your stupidity to natural disasters, that doesn't make it true or relevant. It does sound quite logical considering a woman needed his sperm to create a baby.


according to renee, this is logic:


A. A man and a woman having unprotected sex will result in a baby a certain percentage of the time.

B. Teh Ghey Is Bad!


So, Renee, when you're done reading that grammar book- there will be a test, it will involve electricity- I suggest some Logic 101.


Renee Aste Lowell Massachusetts

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Bathroom Signs: You Must Obey

Apparently, this is the men's bathroom.

And. . . this is the bathroom for the black Power Ranger?
The dog is holding on for now* so I thought I'd share this little bit of inanity about why women should wear dresses, even though the Bible says nothing about dresses due to the fact that dresses didn't exist in Biblical times (neither did pants):

Does it matter how we dress?
Yes! The Bible gives us several verses about how to dress. I Timothy 2:9 says that we are to dress in modest apparel. Deuteronomy 22:5 says that women should not dress in men’s clothes and men should not dress in woman’s clothes. I have heard again and again that these are girl’s pants. But ask the bathroom door to see whose clothes are whose. You could go anywhere in the world and go to the correct bathroom. Because the stick figure that wears pants is the boys, and the stick figure with a dress is the girls!

Yes, I know the stoopid burns, you should already have some aloe if you choose to visit hell. But it got me thinking: what do bathroom signs look like in cultures where men don't wear pants and women don't wear dresses, specifically any number of places in the Middle East? Turns out, you can google anything.

In the pictures above, from Qatar, the top picture is the symbol for men, the bottom symbol is the picture for women. According to our friend's "logic", we all need to put on head coverings and masks, because the bathroom sign has spoken.




*At this point, we're fighting age. Dogs' digestive tracts respond to any insult with diarrhea, which causes dehydration and eventually malnutrition. The problem with older dogs is that it's harder to get the diarrhea to stop once it really takes hold. After IV fluids, my puppy is still alert and responsive, though very tired, so the vet assures me we're not causing unnecessary suffering by intervening. For right now, we're trying Pepto Bismol. And yes, using a turkey baster to shove Pepto Bismol down an 85 lbs dog's throat is exactly as fun as you think it might be.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Not Today


Maybe not for a while. My poor, poor puppy. It's really not looking good.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Dude, I Can See China from that Hole You're Diggin'!

Tony Miano attempts to answer a question about god's will, Calvinism, grace and salvation and ended up digging himself into a hole. Keep in mind that (a) Tony spends most of his time on street corners shouting about salvation, and (b) according to Tony, hell is real, people go there, and those people spend eternity being tortured. Eternity. Being tortured. And (c), people go to hell for not believing properly in Jesus.

Here's the question:

I have a question about this statement:

"God is sovereign. If it is God's will that someone be saved, they will be saved regardless of what I do or don't do."

From what I gather from your blog, you don't seem to be a Calvinist. But yet this statement, along with how you teach/preach, seems to be contradictory. I say that because you tell everyone to repent of their sin, turn to Jesus and accept him as their Savior. Now, one may see that statement and say, 'Why should I repent and turn to Jesus if it's not God's will that I be saved?'

I'm not trying to call you out or call label you a liar or anything, I'm just looking at this from an outsider's perspective.

Actually, the real question is, HOW could you repent and receive salvation if an OMNIPOTENT god doesn't want you to. Really, how?

I believe that Salvation is of the Lord (Psalm 3:8).

I believe that no one will repent and believe the gospel unless God draws the person to Himself (John 6:44), causing the person to be born again (1 Peter 1:3).
I believe an unregenerate person is utterly incapable by an act of his or her own will to choose Christ (John 1:12-13). The reason is prior to God's regenerative work; a person is dead in his or her sins (Ephesians 2:1-3). And no dead person can do anything to bring himself or herself back to life.

Okay, so Calvinism. That's an excellent definition of what Calvinism is. God provides salvation, no one can be saved unless god wants them to. The real question that arises with Calvinism isn't the mechanics of salvation, it's the ethics of salvation, the morality of god, if you will.

I am god. I make two places for the humans I created to go after they die, heaven and hell. Both places are these humans' home for eternity. Forever. Infinity. A really, really, really long time. Heaven's pleasant enough, hell is torture. Unending torture for all eternity. Forever. Infinity. A really, really, really long time. So, I'm sociopathic enough to create hell and to send humans to hell, but eventually I kinda feel bad about it and create a way for humans to avoid hell: salvation. I sacrifice myself to myself to change the rule I made and voila! salvation.

But I have to individually decide which humans will receive salvation and which will not. And those humans that I have decided do not deserve salvation go to hell. And get tortured. Forever. Infinity. A really, really, really long time. If I do decide not to save a human, no matter how much they want to be saved, it doesn't matter. They're going to hell.

This might almost be ethical, if I only saved nice people, people who helped other people, people who were generally good, but I don't. Plenty of really nice people are atheists, doomed to suffer for all eternity, while plenty of truly horrible people are saved. See also: Son of Sam.

This is entirely unethical, completely immoral and downright depraved. God isn't dead, he's insane. And love. Insane, cruel, depraved love. Yeah, let me get right on worshipping that. Oh, wait, he doesn't want me to, so I can't.

All right then, carry on.


And Tony's on a streetcorner right now, trying to convince people to change god's mind about their salvation? There is literally no sense to be found in the intersection of what Tony claims to believe and what Tony actually does.

Cautiously Good News

Why no, I haven't learned a thing from this experience. Why do you ask?

Proving once again that intelligence isn't necessarily the best thing for a creature, my dog figured out how to synchronize pressing down on the garbage can foot pedal and sticking his head in the garbage and, as far as I can tell, ate coffee grounds.

Due to the fact that he was alternating between vomiting and diarrhea, I had to put him in the garage. Of course, he doesn't understand that the advantage to the garage is that I can open the door and hose down the floor unlike the hardwoods and rugs upstairs. He thinks I'm punishing him.

So I put myself in the garage, too. I slept on the treadmill and he slept on the floor next to me. The good news is, he managed to go all night without an accident. The bad news is he need a bath in the worst way, and the way he acts about it, you'd think we bathed him in sulfuric acid.

Anyway, I'm cranky and sore today, but, for the moment, I still have a dog.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Wait, Which One of Us Is Selfish Again?

If you're a woman who chooses not to have children, you will be called selfish by 90% of people who find out you're childless by choice. (Thank you to the other 10% who, at the least, restrain themselves from expressing that opinion.)

So I found it very interesting when a woman with a very large family, in a very small home, published 100 mostly selfish reasons to have children.

Pay less income taxes.

That's not a bad benefit, but (a) you spend a lot of money on your kids, and (b) "mommy wanted you to lower our taxes, and that's why you're named Tenforty!" is probably not something anyone should ever have to hear.

The ultimate diet plan: morning sickness and breastfeeding.

Average weight gain during pregnancy: 25-30 lbs. Around 8 lbs of that is baby. About 3 lbs is amniotic fluid and such. The rest? You do the math.

Enjoy snuggles on demand, around the clock.

A child is not an emotional security blanket. Get a dog.

Disposable diapers. There. I said it.

What?

Receive preferential treatment in grocery lines.
Be seated first (or last, if you prefer) on planes.
Park in the "stork" space at grocery stores.

Selfish, selfish, selfish. (I thoroughly agree with stork spaces and such, but that's not a reason to have a child.)

Have an excuse to buy cool toys and cute little outfits.

Charities need those, too.

Children will love you on your worst day, and...
they think you're beautiful, even on bad hair days,
or when you're not wearing makeup.

Repeat after me: children are not your therapist, your prozac or your dog. Seriously, please leave children out of your emotional issues.

Have someone to help you when you're old.
Have someone to help care for your pets.

Children as slave labor. Nice.

Get a lollipop every time you go to the bank, along with your children.

Buy yourself some candy if you want it. You can afford to with all the money you're not spending on cute outfits.

Have an excuse to buy junk food.
Sharing your junk food means less stays on your own hips.

Get real about your eating habits. If you like junk food, eat a little. It won't kill you. Do not do what this moran recommends, which is how my mother ended up with a lifetime of disordered eating habits. (which she worked so hard not to pass on to us. Thanks, mom!)

Save money by not buying birth control.

Let's do the math, shall we? Birth control pills (one of the more expensive options available) at $30 a month for 30 years of fertility would be . . . $10,800 total. The cost of raising one child? $124,800. Um, yeah. You're not saving money with the kids.

Pregnancy requires you to eat more. I can appreciate that.

Please work on your food issues.

Learn alongside your children.

Or learn on your own. That works, too.

Improved immune system. It's a law of nature: Moms never get sick.

Really? I wish all the constantly sick parents spreading disease around my office knew that.

If you do get sick, you have someone to take care of you without your spouse taking time off work.

The one-year-old?

Expand your wardrobe: share clothes with your teens.
Gather candy from the piñata without getting funny looks.
Have help cooking.

If any of you start wearing teenagers' clothes, I will come over there. Buy yourself some candy. Order in.

Perpetually late? You don't even have to blame it on the kids. People will assume.

Perpetually rude to everyone you know? Pop out a kid and have a few months of excuses before everyone you know starts muttering about you behind your back. (Why, yes, this is a pet peeve of mine.)

Homemade friends. My children are some of my favorite companions.

Children are not a crutch for social disorders.

Well, that was a whole lotta selfish right there.
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Forever in Hell by Personal Failure is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at foreverinhell.blogspot.com.