Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Urgent Warnings! Read Now! We're All Going to Die! AAAAHHHH!!!1!!one!

prophecy, prophet, united, states, john w johnston, visions, bible, god, christan, time acceleration

That's how the website starts, except they've got it in 72 point font. (And, inexplicably, a picture of a bear.)How could I resist?

My name is John W. Johnston and this website was set up to warn the people of the United States of America. the rest of the world can go fuck itself. we all know god loves the USA best. I have been receiving visions, dreams, visitations and prophetic word of knowledge from God since 1982. so, that's how long you've had schizophrenia. there are treatment options, you know. I was called by God to be a watchman - seer and He instructed me to warn the churches and the people of America about what is coming upon our land if there was no repentance of sin. you know, we have tv's and the interwebz now, god couldn't use those?

God told me in June 2008 that He is not going to delay His judgments any longer. and yet somehow we've made it almost a year past that. huh. "Surely the Lord GOD does nothing, Unless He reveals His secret to His servants the prophets." (Amos 3:7 NKJV)

Time is running out! Please establish or renew your relationship with Yeshua Jesus Christ today! The Bible prophecies are in the process of fulfillment and all the worlds current events are a testimony to it! everything! i! write! is! followed! by! an! exclamation! point!

The relatively short span of your life on this earth is meant to prepare you for ETERNITY! Where do you want to spend eternity? THINK ABOUT IT!!! the succint, overdramatized version of Pascal's Wager.

2009 prophecies:

in which Mr. Johnston connects the 5th seal of revelation with, wait for it, Carrie Prejean.

To the Christians of the United States of America and the world on the 14th day of April at 2:30 PM eastern standard? pacific standard? God spoke to me very clearly about what is getting ready to happen to America and the world. The 5th seal of Revelation chapter six has been broken over the world. (Revelation 6:9) When He opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God and for the testimony which they held.

I came under attack by three very powerful demon spirits on April 11th. um, what? Soon after this attack God showed me that the fifth seal has been broken. 4 days later. The fifth seal represents great persecution and suffering of God apostrophe s people which is coming against the remnant body of Christ. ewww!

What I find amazing is that five days after He said this to me on April 19th during the Miss USA Pageant buy a fucking comma! trade in some of those exclamation points, you'll get a good deal. Miss California was asked the question as to what she thought the definition of marriage is. Her answer was the Biblical definition "between a man and a woman". She was the front runner and because of her answer (belief) she lost the pageant and has since come under vicious attack for her beliefs.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Let's review Rev 6:9, shall we? When He opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God and for the testimony which they held. by "slain for the word of god", apparently god meant "bimbos who parade around mostly naked will not win tiaras". I repeat: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

At about the same time frame in April the so called “swine flu” broke out and California was the first to report a case of this flu in the US on April 21st. you mean the flu which has killed about 3 people, which would be a lower death rate than the average flu? that's the plague of revelation? bring it on, baby!

Now, what could possibly top that? Time acceleration, that's what.

About ten years ago God showed me that He was accelerating the time. has anyone noticed time speeding up? anyone? you'd think at least one scientist would have noticed this. at least one. anybody? He confirmed to me that in the month of June 2009 there will be another time acceleration and that this one will be a double time acceleration.

just so you don't think he's speaking of prophetic acceleration, Mr. Johnston includes further explanation. well, not so much explanation, as . . . you'll see.

I was taken in the spirit to a place in heaven where there was a sea of glass. It was like a giant mirror was it a giant mirror or a giant expanse of glass? and standing on the west side of this sea of glass how did you know it was the west side? do compasses work in heaven? was Christ Jesus, the son of God. He pointed to me from across the sea of glass, as I was standing on the east side, and He then said to me that in the month of June there would be a “double time acceleration and that time would start to move faster than it has ever gone before”. not just any acceleration, a double acceleration.

As I looked into this sea of glass I saw time moving very fast.
you saw the fourth dimension moving? really? or did you see events in fast forward? i'm fairly certain one cannot "see" time. Right before my very eyes I saw all of creation from start to finish moving across this giant mirror. were men riding dinosaurs before the Flood? Then the Son of man said to me that evil will start moving faster across the world and men’s hearts would become increasingly wicked as another tidal wave of evil is about to come across the earth. wait, don't you think you should warn people of the tidal wave of evil before you warn them of the time acceleration?

We will end with this:


I want to say thank you very much to all of the folks who have donated money and other resources to help me out. My work has completely dried up and I have not worked for almost a year now. yes, most people don't hire the unmedicated insane. for good reasons. I have learned how to "live by faith" as never before in my life. The Lord does literally make daily provision for me. no, all those people you just thanked for their donations make daily provision for you. I spend much of my time ministering to the people on the street or wherever God sends me. when we're not hanging out at seas of glass in heaven. So thank you to all who have donated money to help out with gas, car insurance, food, business cards business cards? seriously? this guy has no job and is begging for money that he then uses for business cards? and this website. I also want to thank my "Scribe" Sara for getting all of my visions, etc. typed up, for creating and maintaining this website and for putting up with me. Most of all I want to thank the Lord God Almighty, my Savior Christ Jesus and the Holy Spirit for taking a wicked person and saving me from the pit of hell and out of Satan's hands.

God Bless You! John W. Johnston

Thank you, Mr. Johnston, for the most fun I've had in a while.


  1. Why am I getting the urge to bring him and Dani'El together. Add the girl on blogger that is predicting an earthquake in Chicago and we get the trifecta of crazy. Enough to be considered nuclear.

  2. If this was the Middle Ages, this guy would have been a clear candidate for the Inquisition.

  3. Do you suppose that if he came into physical contact with a sane person, it would cause a massive explosion?

    'Cause I've had some really, *really* weird dreams in my time, but I'm pretty sure they weren't because G-d was trying to tell me... well, anything, actually.

  4. Once again you brighten my day with another laugh out loud website and superb annotations. :-D

  5. the rest of the world can go fuck itself. we all know god loves the USA best.--

    You are my favourite American, PF. Not even American atheists admit that the USA isn't the only developed country on earth. But, hey, you've traveled. You know better.

    I am confused about Joshua. Sometimes I think he is an atheist mocking the Christians and making money off them, with his 99 cent predictions.

  6. BeamStalk:

    There's a girl predicting an earthquake in Chicago? Really?

    I'd better move.

  7. I think it's coming soon, Geds. REALLY, REALLY SOON!!!eleventy!!

    Lorena: I've actually only been to Mexico. I lived in El Paso, about 2 miles from the border. The real reason is the internet. I have friends in France, in Sweden, in Australia, Columbia, Venezuela and one person I talk to is in Dubai. It's hard to keep up the jingoistic USA!USA!USA! once you realize people are people the world over. There's nothing special about the US, it's just what I'm used to.

    I really want to go to Sweden and see their tiny deer. No australia for me, though. The other day, my aussie friends were dumping kerosene down spider holes, lighting it, and then waiting outside the holes with .22s to shoot the spiders that came flying out.

    No thanks.

  8. Geds, I will be there this weekend, I am so very worried if you couldn't tell.

  9. It's a good time to be in Chicago BeamStalk.

    I'm going to hit a Local H show on Thursday and another one on Sunday. Perhaps your blog friend is just confusing the sounds waves with tectonic activity?

  10. I get there Thursday morning, I have never heard of Local H, will listen to their stuff when I get home. I doubt I will have a chance to go to a show though as my gf is bringing her 7 year old.

  11. Surely the Lord GOD does nothing, Unless He reveals His secret to His servants the prophets." (Amos 3:7 NKJV)"

    surely the Lord God when he was being his Avatar/Son specifically stated that there will be no more prophets. period.


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