Friday, May 29, 2009

That Probably Would Have Happened Anyway

testimony, religion, jesus, god, christian, stupid,
I vary between amused and annoyed at the Christian tendency to credit as a miracle from god events that turned out exactly as they normally would without intervention. In this vein, I thought I'd examine some testimonials to see if any of them reflect something truly miraculous, or simply reflect what would have happened anyway.

Spared From a Possible Car Accident

I was in the right hand lane. As I approached the restaurant up ahead, I observed a vehicle behind me – there was plenty of distance between us at first glance, but upon taking a second look, I realized the vehicle appeared to be speeding up, rather than staying at a constant speed, so I thought to be on the safe side, I had better turn my right hand turn signal on sooner than what would normally be considered sufficient time for the vehicle behind me to begin slowing down. I also quickly saw that at least two cars were in the left lane and this vehicle behind me was probably not going to be able to swerve over to the left lane at the last second and keep from rear-ending me when I would pull into the restaurant driveway.

Realizing that I was about to get rear-ended if I slowed down at all, I actually turned off my turn signal and started accelerating. I would just go on past the restaurant and turn around and come back so I wouldn’t get hit.

Checking quickly again in my review mirror to then see how close the vehicle behind me was … it was no longer there! I thought to myself: Where in the world did it go?! It isn’t in the left lane!

Then I looked out to right side of my car to see the vehicle veering across a driveway just west of the restaurant I was going to drop the booklets off at – not slowing down whatsoever that I was able to see – hit a concrete driveway curb – bounced up into the air – continuing across a short strip of grass – then plowed into a row of cars parked on the west side of the restaurant belonging to customers eating in the restaurant. My guess is that the impact was about 35-45 miles an hour. I assumed either the brakes had gone out on the vehicle, or something had happened to the driver of the van and he/she was unaware of what was even happening.

After quickly praying for the occupant of the vehicle and maybe anyone hurt in the parked cars … and thanking God for protecting me! … I continued to keep driving past the restaurant, then turned around and went back to see what I could do to help. People were stopping and people were running out of the restaurant moments only after the accident had happened, so I wasn’t needed in that capacity. Police and an E-Unit arrived shortly thereafter. (I checked with the manager of the restaurant a few days later, but he had no details of the accident, though he too assumed the driver of the vehicle had lost his brakes).

I just wanted to share this praise report of how I believe God alerted me to something that He knew was soon to happen, and communicated to me that I was to pray for extra protection from Him.

So, you avoided a car accident with your own behavior, but god protected you- and not the driver of the other car, or anyone in the parked cars? Yeah, god's a jerk.

My Typewriter

During my first year of bible school, desperately needing an electric typewriter and being frugal, I went to a pawn shop to try to find a good bargain.

There it was; my hunt was successful. Of course, it was a little banged up, having been used and probably abused. Nonetheless it was in my price range and I was elated. I was very quick to assure God that this was a good deal and that He would be so proud of me for being a good steward of His money. So prayers were raised for the $70 needed so desperately for the typewriter. And true to His promises, God honored my quarter grain mustard seed of faith. In about a week I received a check in the mail for $70 exactly.

So it was off again to the pawn broker with my money in my hot little hand. Seeing the proprietor, I had a big smile on my face telling him that I wanted to pick up the typewriter.

“It’s gone; I sold it last week.”

My outboard engine started up, “but … but … but …” - then it stalled with, “That was my typewriter.” The store owner asked the obvious question about how much money I had put down on it. That surely must have been rhetorical because he already knew the answer.

I felt dejected, rejected and ejected leaving the shop, asking God why He gave me the $70 and then did not keep the typewriter for me. Three hundred reasons were running through my head justifying the need for a typewriter. He knew just how important it was for required theses, term papers, and myriad of other papers that needed typing.

A couple of days later Martha made the declaration which causes every husband to cringe, “Sweetheart, the washing machine is broken!” Everyone has had some extra money that was being saved for something special when there was an unexpected doctor bill or one of the children needed money for school pictures; the cache is revealed. Well, so much for the $70.

About a month later it was Ester and Martha’s brother who invited us to Pontiac for the weekend. After dinner, Chuck (Martha’s brother) asked Martha to close her eyes. There was a rustle of gift wrap and Chuck appeared with a very large box explaining that he and his Mom had bought it over a month ago and were waiting for a chance to give it to us.

Like a child on Christmas morning, Martha tore away the gift-wrapping and there to our bewilderment was a brand new Smith-Corona typewriter!

Wow! That's totally amazing- his mother bought him something he needed as a gift! There's no way god wasn't involved in that!

Angels on Assignment

Several years ago ... Tony, my husband, was at work on third shift. Before he would leave for work he would take out the dog. Then upon actually leaving, he would lock the door, and always would rattle the door knob to be sure that it was locked. It would irritate me a great deal!
A friend and I would always get on the phone after Tony would leave for work, and we would always end up in a prayer session before getting off the phone. One night she would pray and I would agree -- the next night I would pray and she would agree.

One particular night, I was praying God's protection over her house and her family, and her husband, who was a policeman. Then I started praying over my family, my house, etc. When I got done praying, my friend said to me, "Dorene, when you began to pray God's protection over your house and family, God gave me a vision of a huge angel standing by your side door with a flaming sword in his hand. He stood at least 1 1/2 stories high."

Well, of course I went to bed in total peace.

The following morning, Tony came upstairs and woke me up asking, "Did you let the dog out after I left for work? Did the kids let her out after I left?"

"Of course not" I replied. We NEVER opened that door after Tony left for work. So Tony proceeded to go through the whole house - all 3 floors - checking everything to see what may be missing, because he had come home to find the side door was wide open.

Our dog absolutely loved people and would have welcomed anybody into her space. A watch dog she was NOT!

I just laid back down on my pillow and started laughing, because I knew Tony would not find anything missing, because some angel had to have tapped some guy on the shoulder with his mighty flaming sword and scared the heebee-jeebees out of him. Yup! Angelic flaming swords will do it every time! No better protection than the kind that God provides! He gives his angels charge over us. TRY IT!

I'm a firm believer in having angels around me all the time; keeping me safe from all harm. We're not called to put our faith in locks! Locks only keep little kids from getting in or out, and it doesn't even take them very long before they learn how to get things open that we've locked up.

Uh, yeah. It totally had to be a criminal who opened your door, not the wind, or the dog or your children. Sure.

Wet and Wild Faith in Action

This last one scares the shit out of me, and makes me wonder if there's a Children's Protective Service file on this woman anywhere.

On March 13, 2007 I took my daughters, Skyla (12 years old) and Kyra (8 years old), to Wet and Wild Water Park in Orlando, Florida.

We used a foam mat that looked kind of like a toboggan to go down the first slide. The mat had handles in the front, where it curved up. Skyla was ahead of Kyra and I in line. I noticed that when she first started down the slide she was on her knees. The sign at the top of the slide said to go down on your stomach.
I asked one of the workers if it was okay if I went down on my knees. He said, “No, everyone has to go down on the stomach.”

After we all got to the bottom and got out of the water, Sklya said, “Mom, something happened to my leg on that slide. I can’t walk.” I didn’t know if she had pulled a muscle or what had happened.

I said, “Well let’s pray and believe for God to heal it.” So I immediately started praying.

When I finished praying Skyla said, “It still hurts. I still can’t walk on it.”
I said, “Please don’t say those kinds of things.” (Skyla is very knowledgeable about the principles behind Mark 11:24, and the forces that will put your words into action, both good and bad).

She replied, “You and Kyra go on a couple of rides and I’ll wait here. “

I answered, “No – you’re not going to wait here.”

She said, “It still hurts.”

Finally I said, “You either get up and start walking on that leg, believing by faith that God healed you, or we are leaving the park now.”

Well, she didn’t want to leave the park because we had just gotten there, so she got up and started walking to the next slide.

About 10 minutes later she said to me, “The pain is all gone!”

Praise God! To Him be all the glory!

More than likely, it was just a little bump against the side of the slide, and that sort of thing fixes itself pretty quickly, however, what the fuckety fucking fuck was this moron thinking?! If my child says to me "This hurts" I don't force them to pray and then instruct them to walk on the hurt limb and shut up about it. I let them rest, put ice on it, and if it doesn't clear up quickly, I take them to the hospital. Wtf would this idiot have done if her daughter really were hurt? I don't even want to think about it.


  1. Jesus saved me but destroyed a bunch of other people's property, they probably weren't Christians or weren't the right kind of Christian. Praise Jesus!

    Who the fuck uses a typewriter these days?

    Child says they can't walk, so pray and make them walk. Wait so if they can walk then they are probably exaggerating in the first place and this is not a miracle, gotcha.

  2. My god that last one is freaky as hell! My daughter once fell down and skinned her knee and I had more compassion for her that this woman had for her daughter who might have been seriously hurt.

  3. This morning I wanted to eat the last chocolate doughnut. Just as I was about to get it I remembered I was not eating doughnuts for breakfast any more so I made a bowl of cereal. Later I discovered that the doughnut was stale. Do I have to thank Jesus for saving me from a stale doughnut?

  4. I'm pretty sure you do, Ryk.

    Btw, how stale is that doughnut, and how much staler do you think it would get if you mailed it to me?

  5. I was going to cross the road one time when there was busy traffic, but something told me I should wait for the lights to change and cross like everyone I did and guess what; I made it across safely!

    Jesus was really lookin' out for me that day!!

    Agreed. The last one is scary.

  6. Littlewood's law, anyone? That says that "miracles" would be expected to happen about once every 35 days. I don't consider things that happen that often to be unusual.

  7. Oh Jebus. These are some serious whackjobs. There's nothing even remotely weird or improbable about any of these events.

  8. EC: remember that SNL or Mad TV skit, "Lowered Expectations"?

  9. Actually yes. That was also some disturbing shit.

  10. I've already gotten through the whole morning without being hit by any meteors. I guess Satan is protecting me so I can continue to spread atheism.

  11. ok, i don't get it.
    she prayed to Jesus to "heal" her daughter. but that DOES NOT MEAN THAT JESUS IS GOING TO.

    what. the. fuck.

    what if Jesus wanted the girl to hurt her leg (and yes, however fucked up it is, i *can* think of good reasons for a hurt leg. maybe the pedophile who would have kidnapped her now won't because she is temporarily "damaged" or something. i mean, in a world where there is a God like whackadoodles think there is a God, etc)

    hell, maybe Jesus wanted the girl's leg to get hurt to teach her mother TO TAKE INJURYS SERIOUSLY.

    jesus fucking christ...


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