Wrecking Cranes to Wayward Facades

doug giles, townhall, god, religion, christianity, isrealite, yhwh, cthulu, necronomicon, stupid
And the winner of Hell's First Occasional Award for Worst Metaphor in Recent Memory* goes to Doug Giles of Townhall.com for the following:



When Old Testament Israel strayed from following God, Yahweh had unique and painful ways of getting the Hebrews’ attention. killing people isn't unique. prophets are not unique. painful i will grant you. His first line of attack for the people that he loved was to send in His prophets—who were not the shiny ??, happy-clappy ??!?, cliché-spewing actually, how do you know? we don't have the original texts, and you aren't an ancient israelite, so for all you know Moses talked entirely in cliches., aphorism-addicted the bible is full of aphorism. chock full of aphorisms, to spew a cliche. mega church pastors who are were more interested in hawking their books the ancient israelite tribes had a thriving book economy? than bearding the priests of Baal. i don't even know what to say about that.


No, the prophets were wrecking cranes to wayward Israel’s facades. worst metaphor in recent history. congratulations. They were imperfect, difficult dudes seriously? dudes? really? who called a spade a shovel i thought spewing cliches was bad. for a perfect God. so perfect he couldn't figure out a way to get the israelites to obey him for more than 5 minutes at a time, even with the commonplace and painful attention getters. They didn’t give a crap who you were, who your mommy was, is this guy a professional wrestler or something? if you were the King or Pastor Whoop-Dee-Frickin’-Do. worst writing ever. not in recent history. ever. this makes Twilight look like Shakespeare.** They were fiercely devoted to God and His ways. Janet Napolitano would call these truth-tellers “terror threats” 1) the DHS report was begun and researched during the bush administration 2) the first DHS report was on left wing nutjobs. reality fail. because they loathed godless governments you're not selling me on a theocracy, asshat. and butt-kissing priests sigh and had no problem whatsoever letting those entities entities? um, entities? is this whole post the result of an accident involving a thesaurus and some mislabeled psychiatric medication? have it verbally. scary. verbal wrecking cranes, i suppose.



Yep, if you were out of sorts with God because of practicing whacked stuff i'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. or preaching Oprah instead of Obadiah, wow, Oprah's been in syndication forever, huh? you were about to be publically roasted via the prophets’ sizzling invectives. i'm going with laughter. BWAHAHAHAHAHA


Need a mental image? Imagine Rush, Beck, Coulter, Miller or O’Reilly on steroids. in rush's case, the steroids are probably better than the narcotics, and in beck's case, any medication would be a good start.


This skewering, to be sure, was about as fun for the rebel recipients as watching Nancy Pelosi do an interpretive dance of “Riders on the Storm” (the extended version) would be for Simon Cowell. weirdest, least communicative simile in history.


A humiliating open rebuke, however, was a mere love tap when compared to an eternity of misery and the coming decades-long national butt kicking Israel was in line to receive should they remain contumacious. apparently i was right about the thesaurus. and what is with this guy and "butt"?



The prophets’ messages were never complicated. has he read the old testament? These gruff and holy critters i've lived in the south. a "critter" is a small animal, such as a skunk or a squirrel. offered God’s people two choices: turn or . . . burn. no, actually. the ancient isrealites didn't have a concept of hell, or even much of an afterlife concept at all. the whole eternity of torment thing is purely christian. If Israel obeyed, they’d be blessed. If they disobeyed, well . . . let’s just say things didn’t go that well for the next four decades. which really sucked for the people who actually were obeying god. they got punished as much as anyone else. which would be like throwing everyone in my zip code in jail because my neighbor murdered someone.


You see, if Israel turned from their profane BS (belief systems) oh, dear, he's trying to be cute! and back to God, Yahweh would chill and relent from the attention-grabbing calamities He was heatin’ up on heaven’s back burner. please, make it stop! The prophet, unfortunately, was officially out of a job if the Hebrews went the repentant route. Yep, Amos had to go back to fig picking. god has a worse retirement plan than my boss?



However, when Israel blew the prophets off by condemning the messenger, categorizing the message as hate speech, how dare we ask you to be polite to gays and women and blacks and muslims? it's just wrong, and god will get us for it! jailing the prophet(s) or, as in some cases, killing the prophetic salvo, how does one kill a salvo, anyway? God would in turn switch to plan B to get His insubordinate group’s good ear.


God, not the one to run out of advanced repentance techniques, would allow Israel’s economy to go to hell, plagues to ravage their land, nature to convulse, and enemies the ability to pulverize them. again, punishing perfectly obedient israelites along with disobedient one. god is all powerful- but he can't pick and choose.


Yep, unless I’m reading the Bible upside down, i can read upside down with no difficulty- it doesn't change what the words say. it seems that when the nation went astray from God’s law and wouldn’t listen to the prophets’ calls to repentance and instead vilified the saving voices, God allowed one (or more) of the four aforementioned hammers to pound them until Israel became all ears. "four aforementioned"? do you suppose he reads what he writes, or is this some sort of stream of consciousness bullshit?

This is, at least to me, a plain prophetic pattern within the Scripture. The $64,000 question you gotta ask yourself is this: If there is a God unproven assertion, and if the Bible isn’t a bunch of fairy tales unproven assertion written by a stack of whack jobs one word, then does God still roll roll? today like He did with Old Testament Israel as He interfaces interfaces? with 21st century nations that spurn His values to His face? so, assuming cthulu exists and the necronomicon was written by a mentally unbalanced man of arabic descent, then do the invisible pink unicorns in my basement still get down like it's 1999?

I’m guessin’ God hasn’t had an extreme makeover stop that! and that He is the same yesterday, today and forever, which could mean in our current culture—where evil is good and good is evil murder is kindness, rape is love!—that we might be in line for grave negative sanctions well, if yhwh gets down like the United Nations, we've got nothing to worry about because, apparently, America’s new favorite pastime is whizzing seriously, STOP. THAT. on that which is holy, just and good. hating gays!







*There's a reason nobody calls me for name suggestions.



** Sorry, CN.