Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Wrecking Cranes to Wayward Facades

doug giles, townhall, god, religion, christianity, isrealite, yhwh, cthulu, necronomicon, stupid
And the winner of Hell's First Occasional Award for Worst Metaphor in Recent Memory* goes to Doug Giles of for the following:

When Old Testament Israel strayed from following God, Yahweh had unique and painful ways of getting the Hebrews’ attention. killing people isn't unique. prophets are not unique. painful i will grant you. His first line of attack for the people that he loved was to send in His prophets—who were not the shiny ??, happy-clappy ??!?, cliché-spewing actually, how do you know? we don't have the original texts, and you aren't an ancient israelite, so for all you know Moses talked entirely in cliches., aphorism-addicted the bible is full of aphorism. chock full of aphorisms, to spew a cliche. mega church pastors who are were more interested in hawking their books the ancient israelite tribes had a thriving book economy? than bearding the priests of Baal. i don't even know what to say about that.

No, the prophets were wrecking cranes to wayward Israel’s facades. worst metaphor in recent history. congratulations. They were imperfect, difficult dudes seriously? dudes? really? who called a spade a shovel i thought spewing cliches was bad. for a perfect God. so perfect he couldn't figure out a way to get the israelites to obey him for more than 5 minutes at a time, even with the commonplace and painful attention getters. They didn’t give a crap who you were, who your mommy was, is this guy a professional wrestler or something? if you were the King or Pastor Whoop-Dee-Frickin’-Do. worst writing ever. not in recent history. ever. this makes Twilight look like Shakespeare.** They were fiercely devoted to God and His ways. Janet Napolitano would call these truth-tellers “terror threats” 1) the DHS report was begun and researched during the bush administration 2) the first DHS report was on left wing nutjobs. reality fail. because they loathed godless governments you're not selling me on a theocracy, asshat. and butt-kissing priests sigh and had no problem whatsoever letting those entities entities? um, entities? is this whole post the result of an accident involving a thesaurus and some mislabeled psychiatric medication? have it verbally. scary. verbal wrecking cranes, i suppose.

Yep, if you were out of sorts with God because of practicing whacked stuff i'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. or preaching Oprah instead of Obadiah, wow, Oprah's been in syndication forever, huh? you were about to be publically roasted via the prophets’ sizzling invectives. i'm going with laughter. BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Need a mental image? Imagine Rush, Beck, Coulter, Miller or O’Reilly on steroids. in rush's case, the steroids are probably better than the narcotics, and in beck's case, any medication would be a good start.

This skewering, to be sure, was about as fun for the rebel recipients as watching Nancy Pelosi do an interpretive dance of “Riders on the Storm” (the extended version) would be for Simon Cowell. weirdest, least communicative simile in history.

A humiliating open rebuke, however, was a mere love tap when compared to an eternity of misery and the coming decades-long national butt kicking Israel was in line to receive should they remain contumacious. apparently i was right about the thesaurus. and what is with this guy and "butt"?

The prophets’ messages were never complicated. has he read the old testament? These gruff and holy critters i've lived in the south. a "critter" is a small animal, such as a skunk or a squirrel. offered God’s people two choices: turn or . . . burn. no, actually. the ancient isrealites didn't have a concept of hell, or even much of an afterlife concept at all. the whole eternity of torment thing is purely christian. If Israel obeyed, they’d be blessed. If they disobeyed, well . . . let’s just say things didn’t go that well for the next four decades. which really sucked for the people who actually were obeying god. they got punished as much as anyone else. which would be like throwing everyone in my zip code in jail because my neighbor murdered someone.

You see, if Israel turned from their profane BS (belief systems) oh, dear, he's trying to be cute! and back to God, Yahweh would chill and relent from the attention-grabbing calamities He was heatin’ up on heaven’s back burner. please, make it stop! The prophet, unfortunately, was officially out of a job if the Hebrews went the repentant route. Yep, Amos had to go back to fig picking. god has a worse retirement plan than my boss?

However, when Israel blew the prophets off by condemning the messenger, categorizing the message as hate speech, how dare we ask you to be polite to gays and women and blacks and muslims? it's just wrong, and god will get us for it! jailing the prophet(s) or, as in some cases, killing the prophetic salvo, how does one kill a salvo, anyway? God would in turn switch to plan B to get His insubordinate group’s good ear.

God, not the one to run out of advanced repentance techniques, would allow Israel’s economy to go to hell, plagues to ravage their land, nature to convulse, and enemies the ability to pulverize them. again, punishing perfectly obedient israelites along with disobedient one. god is all powerful- but he can't pick and choose.

Yep, unless I’m reading the Bible upside down, i can read upside down with no difficulty- it doesn't change what the words say. it seems that when the nation went astray from God’s law and wouldn’t listen to the prophets’ calls to repentance and instead vilified the saving voices, God allowed one (or more) of the four aforementioned hammers to pound them until Israel became all ears. "four aforementioned"? do you suppose he reads what he writes, or is this some sort of stream of consciousness bullshit?

This is, at least to me, a plain prophetic pattern within the Scripture. The $64,000 question you gotta ask yourself is this: If there is a God unproven assertion, and if the Bible isn’t a bunch of fairy tales unproven assertion written by a stack of whack jobs one word, then does God still roll roll? today like He did with Old Testament Israel as He interfaces interfaces? with 21st century nations that spurn His values to His face? so, assuming cthulu exists and the necronomicon was written by a mentally unbalanced man of arabic descent, then do the invisible pink unicorns in my basement still get down like it's 1999?

I’m guessin’ God hasn’t had an extreme makeover stop that! and that He is the same yesterday, today and forever, which could mean in our current culture—where evil is good and good is evil murder is kindness, rape is love!—that we might be in line for grave negative sanctions well, if yhwh gets down like the United Nations, we've got nothing to worry about because, apparently, America’s new favorite pastime is whizzing seriously, STOP. THAT. on that which is holy, just and good. hating gays!

*There's a reason nobody calls me for name suggestions.

** Sorry, CN.


  1. WTF is he on and will he share? So I guess making fun of a prophet for being bald requires divine retribution in the form of mauling bears? Oh yeah it "happened" in the Bible.

  2. PF,

    Reading Doug Giles too often has been known to rot the brain. Proceed with caution.

  3. "No, the prophets were wrecking cranes to wayward Israel’s facades." Do you know how to put Mr. Giles up for a Foot in mouth award? He deserves it after that.

    Also, PF, your interlaced commentary was funny.

  4. Heh, that was funny.

    Literary Review:As PF has kindly already highlighted the thesaurus and metaphor abuse, I will restrain myself and deal with the elements of literary incompetance she did not approach.

    The article was written in a 'spoken' literary style: i.e. what he would say if he was speaking to the congregation off-the-cuff: hence such brilliant exclamations as "the $64,000 question you gotta ask yourself," "Out of sorts with God," and my personal favorite: "Whoop-Dee-Frickin’-Do."In a speech, they make the speaker either a) connect with the audience or b) sound like they think their audience are morons. Which of these occur generally depends on the audiences opinion of the speaker.

    It is clearly not a literary style that works in an article format, because we're used to reading articles that have undergone proof-reading, where this literary style is specifically designed to sound like it has not. In this case, that is probably an accurate impression.

    Worse the author then combined it with little jokes that only make sense when they are read, such as his endearing little "BS" comment. Not only do these ruin the illusion of being spoken to (or in this case, at), but they're also in my opinion the lowest form of wit, excluding puns.

    It is also worth noting that his use of modern celebrity personalities would be lost on many individuals, because... actually, that's probably only true of myself. Who the f*ck is Nancy Pelosi? Or Janet Napolitano? Or "Miller", and what would he look like on steroids? I can't stop thinking of Bruce Banner for some reason...

    Finally, I must point out to PF that "four aforementioned hammers" is actually grammatically correct. Not that I can find any reference to a tool meant to deliver sharp impacts in the preceding paragraphs, and it is true that for readabilities sake removal of the number would be recommendable, and it is another result of the "spoken" literary style, but there is nothing officially wrong with "four aforementioned."

    One last thing: I am not a literary critic, I have no knowledge of literary conventions, and I'm just doing this because I'm a pretentious bastard. So there.

  5. I'd say that's a worthy winner of this prestigious award. Good find.

  6. what the fuck was that?

    first of all, of God himsrlf said he would not "roll" like he did in the OT. remember Jesus saying he was the last of the prophets and that things were different now?

    second of all, listen, i mean *LISTEN* to PF, she is *right*, the OT did not HAVE A HELL. they had "Sheol" a time of nothingness after death while they waited for God to get them. thats *ALL*

    third of all, the whole POINT of the prophet-and-direct-intervention was that Israel was the *chosen nation of God*. the US is not. God did not send messengers to the Lariamites (is that spelled right? its 4am i don't want to look it up) ONLY Israel. or rather, only Jews.

    fourth, where the *fuck* did you get your language? what the hell is wrong with you? what is the point of all this... this attempt at sounding like a "cool kid" decades after the phrases have gone out of style?

    PF, i have no clue how you continue to be able to do this. if i had to read these everyday and *think* about them coherently, my brains would leak out of my ears.

  7. A single 'Yo' may well have truned the stupid nuclear - thank <insert mythical deity/expletive here> he didn't put one in.

  8. Wow, I'm really confused, and I'm usually OK with stream of consciousness. This whole thing is a big old case of "that word doesn't mean what you think it means." I HATE it when people abuse words like this, they never did anything to you! Let them be!

  9. actually, my only issue with "four aforementioned" is the way it scans. very awkward. plus, aforementioned is awkward all on its own, and a phrase common to legal documents.

    yes, i have typed "party of the first part". and "party of the second part".

  10. Y'know, every once in a while I write out a blog post in a stream-of-consciousness, spoken word style. I then tend to feel slightly bad, because I'm always pretty sure that it's confusing to someone or just plain shitty.

    I feel so much better about those posts now...

  11. You know, I'm actually totally fine with that Twilight/Shakespeare thing. Mostly because the horror of this post you're showin' us heah (New England accent) is just so all-encompassing.


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