Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Post Rapture Survival Guide

I cannot believe I have heretofore missed the Post Rapture Survival Guide. I mean, clearly, I will not be raptured, therefore this practical guide addressing such issues as post rapture economics and health concerns is a must-read! (Chances are, if you're reading this, you're not getting raptured, either, so pay attention.)



Money



Hard currency will become obsolete. This is no surprise, as banks and governments have been working to eliminate currency, coin money and paper transactions for decades. it's the jews. and possibly the illuminati. with the help of the free masons. Currency and coin is expensive to produce, lends itself readily for drug trafficking and, with high tech equipment, is too easily counterfeited. Banks desire to eliminate the teller position as an expense item, and with the elimination of paper checks and currency, all financial transactions can be handled with a computer. The debit card will become the tool for all personal financial transactions. does this happen after every child in the world disappears simultaneously, or is the rapture not happening for at least another 20 years? cause last time i checked, cash was still pretty popular.



However, at some point after the rapture, probably right after the two witnesses are killed, why not before? everyone will be required to get a mark on their right hand or forehead in order to buy and sell. Do not, do not, do not under any circumstances participate by receiving this mark. this paragraph is pages and pages down from the top of the guide. you would think if it were that important not to get the mark, you might want to mention it sooner. what if i already have the mark? All those who receive this mark known as "the mark of the beast" are doomed for eternity. so if you have the mark already, you have seriously wasted your time by reading to this point, and may as well quite now. By taking this mark you are swearing allegiance to the anti-christ. oops!You may as well attempt to enjoy life as best you can because eternity for you will be hell. possibly the best sentence ever written. fuck it, man. do some drugs, steal a little, lie, fornicate as much as you can, cause you screwed! It is at this point that God will have separated His followers from Satan's followers. Those who have taken the mark will persecute those without the mark. do i want the mark or not? God will render judgment on those with the mark by inflicting them with a disgusting looking and very painful ulcer covering their bodies. seems kind of anticlimactic after ETERNITY IN HELL was mentioned as the punishment.


So how can a person without the mark survive and still buy and sell? Again, this will almost be impossible hope you have lots of canned goods, but there will be people who are part of the anti-christ's regime who don't believe in the anti-christ they're burning for all eternity anyway; they are just "survivors" who pick the "winner" what's with the sarcastiquotes? and seek to profit from that relationship. Therefore, save up for yourself gold; gold has always had value as money and always will, even in a cashless society. where the fuck am i supposed to get gold if i can't buy and sell anything? clearly i wasn't prepared for the rapture, or i would have gotten saved and been in heaven already. once the rapture happens, where am i supposed to get all that gold. this is like that steve martin skit- "first, get a million dollars . . . " Identify one of these profiteers and seek to purchase food and living supplies from him. how am i supposed to tell the "survivors" from the antichrist's faithful servants, exactly? this guide is surprisingly light on specifics. However, don't ever disclose to him how much gold you have and where it is. You want to be more valuable to him as a dealer than as a bounty. not bad advice. if the rapture doesn't happen, it's good advice for budding drug dealers, as well.



By the way, you will have a price on your head for not taking the mark. by the way? seems like the sort of thing you might want to mention first! Obviously you won't be living an open life, as you will be in hiding somewhere at a remote location or in the forest on the outskirts of a large city."the forest on the outskirt of a major city"? Please list for me all the large cities surrounded by forests. Your only goal will be to eat to live and hope to escape the militia hunting for you and those like you. Should you get caught, your fate will be either death or slavery. again, death and slavery are things you should mention sooner rather than later.


If you receive this manual before the rapture and plan to be around after the rapture why would i plan that? he makes it sound like someone is thinking "yeah, fuck it, all that death and slavery and torture sounds like a good time", then start storing up food and living supplies and put them into hiding in some remote and difficult to access area. You should include weaponry to defend yourself and medical supplies as part of your living supplies. what if i didn't get this guide before the rapture? what then?



Safety



This era will be the most violent of times in the history of the world. Death, brutality and destruction will be part of everyday life. One of the defining characteristics of the last days following the rapture will be a lack of peace. as opposed to when? There will be civil wars throughout the world: people will kill one another indiscriminately. Random acts of violence will fill people with fear. Car-jackings, home invasions, drive by shootings, residents of certain urban areas won't notice the difference and bombings will all increase with an intensity that will leave people with absolutely no sense of security.
In order to survive this time, you will need to remove yourself from society and live in a remote area that is difficult to access. Getting together with a group of like-minded people would provide additional support and safety.
unless they're the antichrist's faithful servants, in which case you've told the antichrist where you'll be hiding. with all your gold.


As mentioned earlier, stock up on food, medicines, living supplies, weaponry and gold. You will need enough for 7 years. unless you read this guide about 2 years in, in which case don't waste your gold on the extra 2 years. Don't plan on being able to supplement your food with hunting and fishing because the stocks of wild animals and fish will have been depleted and destroyed by the 3 1/2 year worldwide drought and three successive meteor-like or comet-like objects that strike the earth sometime after the rapture. twinkies it is.The 3 1/2 year drought wouldn't the 3.5 year drought also kill the domesticated animals and all crops planted, as well? is anybody eating anything? can we resort to cannibalism? is brought on by the two witnesses. The first object from outer space to strike the earth will destroy 1/3 of all trees and all the green grass on earth. so, no golf courses and forget about apples, peaches, pears, figs, etc. The second object, more like a meteor more like a meteor than the first "object"?, strikes the sea and destroys 1/3 of all sea creatures and 1/3 of all shipping. what about pleasure boating? fishing boats? The third object turns 1/3 of all fresh water poisonous and kills many people. i imagine it would kill a lot of freshwater fish and amphibians, as well. not to mention wild animals, domesticated animals, birds, and well everything.



Needless to say, all of this will also seriously deplete the food supplies for the world's population, causing food prices to skyrocket. Those people in the world who never before missed a meal or worried about food will become very familiar with hunger pangs and the feeling of going without food for long periods of time. otherwise known as starving. This will be one of the causes of the increased violence as people become more self centered, short-tempered, and competitive for the food sources in short supply. first of all, it won't be such a problem as the young, the old, the sick and the skinny will die off pretty quickly once the food runs short. what will be left is formerly fat guys in their twenties who aren't too picky about cannibalism. As Jesus spoke to His disciples about these days, He said, "people will betray one another and hate one another...the love of many will grow cold."



Health Concerns


Prior to the rapture, the world experienced an increase in health-related catastrophes, an increase in new infectious diseases and an increase in the return of diseases thought to have been eradicated or brought under control. The past two decades have brought on AIDS, EBOLA virus, flesh-eating bacteria, the return of tuberculosis, incurable gonorrhea, herpes and many other virtually incurable sexually transmitted diseases. wtf is this asshat talking about? ebola was first recorded in 1976, 32 years ago. AIDS first appeared around 1982, 27 years ago. Louis Pastuer first isolated flesh eating bacteria in 1884, well over 20 years ago. while it is possible that gonorrhea may become incurable in the future due to resistence to antibiotics, that has not happened yet.



After the rapture, things do not get better, as one quarter of the world's population will die as the result of wars, famine and plague. not to mention poisonous water, meteors, objects like meteors and objects more like meteors. Sometime after the two witnesses are murdered and after people are required to take the mark on the right hand or forehead, there will be a terrible plague causing a loathsome and malignant ulcer on the bodies of those who have taken the mark. which is punishment for taking the mark. so is eternity in hell. This will be a very ugly i'm sure vanity will be everyone's major concern about this.and very painful sore that will make life miserable for those who have it. more miserable than a world with poisonous water, a 3.5 year drought, objects like and more like meteors hitting the earth and 1/3 of all shipping being destroyed?


In addition to all this, because of the poor economic situation worldwide and the 3 1/2 year drought that depletes the world's supply of water, sanitation practices will deteriorate even in what were advanced nations in Europe and North America. we'll all be stinky. With the short supply of water, there won't be sufficient water for flushing toilets, taking baths, washing clothes and transporting wastewater to treatment facilities. i'm betting that after the 3.5 year drought and the rampant cannibalism, water treatment facilities won't be our biggest concern. This will result in the increase of typhus, cholera, salmonella and E.coli infections.


Therefore, since you have decided to reject Christ's offer to join in the rapture, heehee your concern is how to maintain good health in the post rapture era. and how to avoid being eaten by formerly fat 20 year olds. You must build a supply of multiple vitamins with particular emphasis on anti-oxidants such as C and E and minerals. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. why oxidize while you wait to burn in hell? It will also be necessary to have a supply of disinfectants, particularly one that can be added to water to make it potable. i think we call that bleach.


Above all, do not accept the mark of the beast on your right hand or forehead. do not, do not, do not. If you do take the mark then nothing can be done for you—you will suffer the malignant ulcer making the rest of your life almost unbearable. and then you will burn for ETERNITY IN HELL. nope, he keeps going on about the 3.5 year long canker sore. Did you ever have a canker sore in your mouth? If so, then you know how painful that one little canker sore was. Now think of having canker sores all over your body, on your genitalia wow!, in your mouth. Think how painful and unbearable your life will be. Then follow that misery with eternity in hell. Don't take that mark. don't do it, man!

4 comments:

  1. funnily, i have seen tracts (Chick tracts? i don't remember...) that claim our social security numbers are The Mark.

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  2. i think they're over that and on to RFID chips. it's science and it's scary!!!

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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