Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I'm So Glad I Had My Abortion

abortion, prolife, prochoice, proof, stupid,
No matter how you feel about abortion, this is a rather silly argument, and doesn't even approach logic:

(from Follow Up Thoughts on Jane Roe Commercial by Disciple Nations Alliance)

Something a friend of mine has told me many times now continues to resonate in my mind . . . she says, “I’ve never heard of a woman who says, ‘I’m so glad I had my abortion.’”

Can you imagine the reaction if a woman did say this? (At least in the US, I don't know how other countries are about the issue.) At the very least, she would lose friends. At least one person in her family would probably stop talking to her. She'd probably lose her job and get a few death threats. Assuming someone didn't just go ahead and kill her.

Considering how many abortions are done every year, and the fact that I am 33, and most of the women I know are in their childbearing years, I have to know someone who has had an abortion. At least one person. Yet, I've never heard anyone I've ever known admit to having an abortion*. It simply is not something that is safe to talk about in the US.

This does not mean that there isn't anyone who isn't happy, or at least relieved, to have had an abortion. It also doesn't mean that every single woman who did have one is currently consumed by grief and guilt.

Want proof?

Well, here you go:

Roe vs. Wade vs. My Boyfriend

*I have heard some suspicious miscarriage discussions, but it's entirely possible that as many women who are horrified to be pregnant miscarry as women who were trying to get pregnant.


  1. One of my best friends had an abortion at 19. She knew then and she knows now (nearly 10 years later) that it was the right decision for her and her now-husband, and she has said to me word for word that she's so glad she had an abortion.

    (I should maybe mention that an ex-boyfriend of hers got wind of the abortion after the fact and felt the need to call her and tell her she was a murderer.) (He wasn't the father. She's married to the father now, and was engaged to him at the time of the pregnancy.)

  2. I did find it rather hard to believe that all of the abortions that are performed every year are performed on unwilling women at the behest of a boyfriend, parent or society at large.

    And I'm not surprised someone called her a murderer.

  3. I had an abortion years and years ago. I am very happy I had it, I was way too young to have a kid, and way too scared. The father and I made the decision together, he came with me, and all in all it was a pretty uneventful experience. I don't tell many people about it, I mean who would in this day and age? I'd be crucified.
    One thing that did bother me in the Roe vs. Wade vs.My Boyfriend article is that she kept encountering people who talked about that "connection" to the fetus. You know, not all women feel that connection. I didn't, not even with my daughter, not while I was preggers. It is terrible to tell a woman who had an abortion that she is terrible because she didn't feel that connection with the fetus. Again, you're telling someone else what they should feel and that is really unacceptable.

  4. You would be crucified. I agree. I wouldn't tell people, either.

    As for connection to the fetus- that's ridiculous. I know a woman who recently had a baby who couldn't even think of a name for the baby, because she just couldn't relate the pregnancy to a person she would love. It was all too abstract for her, I think. And the pregnancy was really rough on her.

    As soon as the baby was born, she was in love, and came up with a name on the spot.

    It is totally unacceptable to tell a person what they "should" feel, or what they "really feel". You don't know, because you're not them.

  5. i myself am happy.
    of course, it *was* klling me (literally)

    but i had made the decision before i even started having sex that if something went wrong with my BC i would get an abortion; this was even before i knew that porphyria and pregnancy don't mix. so i never had any conflict, and had i known i was pregnant sooner i would have done it sooner.

  6. Prolifers always downplay the fact that there are women for whom pregnancy is a death sentence. I am one of them. And no, I will not sacrifice myself for the sake of a fetus that I won't be able to gestate long enough that it would have any chance of survival. And no, I don't think that sacrifice would be admirable. It would be a stupid waste.

  7. more than a stupid waste.

    it all pisses me off so much. my *mother*, who really should fucking know better, calls me at LEAST once a month with a story of how this woman or that woman defied the odds and had a baby despite whatever medical issue made it risky.

    she doesn't fucking GET it. it is NOT worth risking my life to bring another person with THIS DISEASE into the world. its a fucking dominant genetic disorder, and she wants me to fucking SHARE.

    and all these random strangers. i go the store without a kid, i get little questions like "it so nice that you leave your kids at the sitter instead of bringing them into the store". i used to tell them i didn't have kids, but that just led to a lecture on how i *needed* children. i think the statement is meant as a trap, against women in grocery stores who don't have children with them. a way to seem nice while really digging to make sure that either this particular woman is doing her *job*, or opening the door to make jabs about motherhood and etc. its bullshit. now i just ignore them. rather have people think i'm rude than get a lecture from a complete fucking stranger about "wonderful" motherhood could be.



  8. that is insanely rude- and only happens to me if i'm not with my hubby. (hubby's default facial expression looks a little murderous.) i just tell people "i CAN'T have children" and then just stare at them silently. the really rude ones then ask me if i've ever tried IVF, most everyone else will mutter something apologetic and walk away.

    it's kinda fun, really.

  9. that's BRILLIANT. why did i never do it that way? i've only ever told people who seemed really extra nice, and not at all judge-y. i should start doing that!

  10. I call it an "8 Mile", after the movie. (If you haven't seen it, you should. It's actually really good.) In case you haven't seen it, eminem wins the contest at the end by rapping about himself and saying every embarrassing thing about himself first, leaving the other rapper with nothing to say.

    It works for two reasons: (1) it robs the other person of the ability to put me on the defensive because I brought it up, and (2) it forces the other person to change strategies too quickly- after all, I was supposed to be shamed, I'm clearly not, and now what do they say?

    It's way crazy fun. "Why yes, I have had sex with more than 10 men. And now I know exactly how to have an orgasm every single time. Experience is quite useful in most situations, don't you think?"

  11. brilliant.

    i did see 8mile (pete's idea - if i watched 8 mile, he would watch Rent. and we were BOTH really happy about it, afterwards)

    its rather more than ten men, though. lol. one of my favorite things about Pete is he doesn't CARE how many people i have slept with. they were all before we got together. he didn't understand why i was worried about, either.

    i'm twitterpated. still :D

    not being shamed really is a great way to fight the patriarchy!

  12. Shame is control. Pure and simple. The truth may not set you free, but a complete lack of shame will.

  13. "Shame is control. Pure and simple. The truth may not set you free, but a complete lack of shame will."

    you need to post this at Feministe, or Feministing...

  14. This is the first time I have ever wrote about my abortion. I am very happy I had an abortion but rather not share that with anyone except my step-mother, the f-buddy who I concieved with, and my two closest friends. Today, after an anatomy and phisiology test, about 4 of us girls congregated outside of the room discussing answers and testing strategies. Near the end of an exhausting test analysis one of the young women pops out a picture of her baby to show a friend walking by our group. The baby was absolutely adorable and we could not resist to talk about it amongst ourselves. The young woman shared her entire preganancy story leaving us the impression that their was still a boyfriend, her parents take care of her baby while she goes to school in a nearby state, and they must take care of her and the baby financially. We all smiled at her and laughed telling hypothetical stories of our parents killing us and that she was so blessed to have caring parents. It was a really open and honest discussion except for me. I wish it would of been acceptable for me to say well I just had an abortion and I very happy I did, lol ugh sigh ***blank stares***. Unwanted preganancy stories that result in child being born are welcomed and allowed to be shared more freely than any ideal sympathetic abortion story ever will. We were all intelligent, black women pursuing careers in the health profession and wouldn't it have been optimal if I had an oppurtunity to voice my story as well? Maybe not in the same timeframe but...ever?I would of loved to have said, " Man I got pregnant during finals week and getting that morning after pill slipped my mind. Man if anything I really regret not getting on top of that. But anyways the second I didn't get my period was the same momment I got a pregnancy test. Followed by a best friend saying oh no, the guy I was ambiguously with hanging up on me, and a phone call to the abortion clinic. Man so much was happening to me besides be pregnant at that momment. I wasn't sure if I had a job after graduation, which by the way was in a microbiology lab. (I study a cancer causing protein amongst a cocktail of mutagens, tetragens, and neurotoxins. Undergrad students are not the most aware of lab safety, myself included unfortunately.) Well among money, stress, changing life goals, delayed graduation, "breaking-up" with the boy, my car out of commission, I was certain that taking care of myself to have a healthy pregnancy was not going to happen. Also a child doesn't start and end at 9 months. The child would of been in my life forever.
    In the end personal conflict, I know I wanted to pick a wonderful father for my baby. I knew I could not handle the stress of another persons life at the momment or even be fiscally independent for myself. ***deep sigh*** Through all the over analysis, tears, heartache, acceptance of my mistakes, I'm so happy I had an abortion. That is the one thing I am actually proud of in this entire mess of a situation. My abortion was early, doctor deduced I was 4 weeks by the look of the sonogram, and I am not pregnant anymore.
    Okay well I would love to open up more, but I have to go study some more for my quiz :)

  15. I'm about to have an abortion, and I'm so glad and relieved this option is open to me. I want to be the best mother I can be one day, and I'm not yet a good enough person to do that. I'm young and I have a lot of learning to do. I am SO happy that i can have an abortion.

  16. I am 23 and have been in a relationship my entire life literally. From one guy to the next. I have always been against abortion. Recently I have become single for the first time in my entire life. I was having sex with two men. Both of whom were a boyfriend in the past, only this time I was just dating them (no commitment) I found out I was pregnant last night. I knew immediately I would be getting an abortion. And just like the last message I am so relived to know this procedure is available. I have decided to let both the guys I am datind what happen. They are both very understanding. The guy who I believe got me pregnant is open to whatever I decide to do. The other one is totally against it and told me he would raise it as his own. But, my decision is made. I want my children to be planned and have their a dependable father involved. I feel this is the least I could do for my unborn child. I feel it is selfish to bring up a child financially insecure, unknown father, single mother, and the list goes on and on... I think I would be hurting the child far more then helping him or her.... and all because ITS IMMORAL!! OR BECAUSE I WILL FEEL GUILTY!!! I know what I am doing I am not doing this to make the same mistake again and my guilt will prevent it. I am doing this so that I can do it RIGHT the next time.

  17. I am so happy to hear these stories!!!


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