Tuesday, December 30, 2008


(Second only to homophobia among the religious right, mostly because atheophobia doesn't involve endless discussions of whose penis went where.)

Conservapedia, the answer to the question no rational person would ask, has announced their article of the year: Atheism!

Conservapedia, in case you are unfamiliar with it, is the conservative answer to wikipedia, which is all liberal and biased towards facts and rational thought. If you have some time, it is endlessly amusing to compare conservapedia pages to their wiki counterparts. Most telling are the pages on the Sermon on the Mount. The wiki page is huge, the conservapedia page is 2 sentences. (I'm guessing because the Sermon on the Mount is where Jesus blessed the meek and the peacemakers. Conservatives do not like that kind of hippytalk, even from their messiah.)

Anyway, let's get this party started!

This is the opening paragraph, from Cpedia: Atheism, as defined by the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy and the Routledge Encyclopedia of Philosophy, is the denial of the existence of God. The atheistic worldview has a variety of effects on individuals and society at large which will be elaborated on shortly. In regards to individuals adopting an atheistic worldview, atheism has a number of causal factors that influence its origination in individuals which will be addressed. In addition, critiques of atheism will be offered and some of the historical events relating to atheism will also be covered.

Now from Wiki: Atheism, as an explicit position, can be either the affirmation of the nonexistence of gods or the rejection of theism. It is also defined more broadly as an absence of belief in deities, or nontheism.

First of all, Cpedia articles always read like someone's sixth grade book report. You don't need to tell me what you will be elaborating on and when you will be doing it. Just give me section links and I can figure this one out for myself. Beyond that, this is supposed to be an online encyclopedia. Encyclopedias do not offer critiques of subjects. They simply give you the facts and leave it up to you to decide. (Conservatives have learned the danger of simply letting the public decide. We end up doing things like electing BLACK!TERRORIST!He's MUSLIM! presidents.)

There are three ways that atheism manifests itself:

Militant atheism which continues to suppress and oppress religious believers today especially in Communist countries.
This is not atheism. I am not at all interested in killing believers. I want you all to shut up, but you're welcome to believe as you will. All right? Whatever Vox Day and his ilk claim, Stalin and atheism have nothing in common. What's being referred to here is totalitarianism. It wasn't enough for Stalin to control what soviets could eat and drink and what jobs they had and where they lived, he needed to control their minds. It doesn't work, but boy did he try.

Theoretical atheism: atheism of the mind -- that is, believing that God does not exist. Pay attention to where the negatives go: I do not believe that god exists. Cpedia: believing that god does not exist. Me: not believing that god exists. I'm an atheist, asshat. I don't believe. Believing that god does not exist is belief.

Practical atheism: atheism of the life - that is, living as though God does not exist. Practical atheism is not "atheism of the life", a phrase with no meaning, it is essentially what believing scientists do while at work. Contrary to what some assert, plenty of scientist believe in god. However, physicists and chemists and such cannot simply say, "it was god!" every time something happens in their labs.

For reasons inscrutable to, well, anyone with a brain, we now move to biblical answers to atheism.

The writers of the Bible considered the existence of God to be self-evident and Moses simply wrote: "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." (Genesis 1:1). What does that prove? JRR Tolkien, after all that time spent hiding in a basement while the Nazis bombed London, firmly believed that the events that he described in the Lord of the Rings were true, that the characters were real, there really were elves, he really did speak their language. Am I to conclude that the Lord of the Rings is an historical text?

Wait a fucking minute. Moses didn't write the book of Genesis. What is this asshat talking about? I have read the bible cover to cover in 6 translations, and I can affirmatively state that nowhere does it say that Moses wrote Genesis. This is Jewish tradition, but we can logically state that Moses, having been born many generations after the events in Genesis, did not freaking write Genesis, unless he simply wrote down the oral tradition already existing . . . and I'm boring myself.

Accordingly random use of a big word?, the psalmist David wrote the following:
"The fool has said in his heart, 'There is no God.' They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good." - Psalms 14:1
and the bible remains consistent within itself exactly like every other work of fiction. Amazing!
The psalmist David also stated that "The heavens declare the glory of God..."

The Apostle Paul wrote to the Romans that the creation testifies the existence of God, when he wrote the following:
fail for using "wrote" twice in the same sentence.
"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen if they are invisible, they are not clearly seen, if they are clearly seen, they are not invisible. pick one., being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse. For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse..." - Romans 1:19-20 (NKJV) again, the fact that the bible, the book dedicated to the idea of god, says that everything proves that god exists, is irrelevant unless you already happen to believe in god. round and round we go.

The next section is entitled "Tenuousness of Atheism in Prominent Atheists" in which we get quotes from two (two!) atheists, Sartre and Darwin. The quote from Darwin doesn't even contradict his own professed atheism.

Notable professing atheists have had the characteristic of variability and tenuousness when it came to maintaining thoughts in accordance with atheism. For example, Jean-Paul Sartre was one of the leading proponents of atheism of the 20th Century. Yet Jean-Paul Sartre made this candid confession:

As for me, I don’t see myself as so much dust that has appeared in the world but as a being that was expected, prefigured, called forth. In short, as a being that could, it seems, come only from a creator; and this idea of a creating hand that created me refers me back to God. Naturally this is not a clear, exact idea that I set in motion every time I think of myself. It contradicts many of my other ideas; but it is there, floating vaguely. And when I think of myself I often think rather in this way, for wont of being able to think otherwise." this is the atheistic equivalent of a crisis of faith to me. sure, sometimes i wonder. am i wrong? is there a god? is there a heaven and a hell? just like sartre, i was raised catholic. it's hard to get that out of your psyche.

Charles Darwin wrote in his private notebooks that he was a materialist, which is a type of atheist. materialism is not a form of atheism. materialism is more or less a scientific viewpoint, devoid of religion. Charles Darwin was an atheist, as well.

The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy states:

In 1885, the Duke of Argyll recounted a conversation he had had with Charles Darwin the year before Darwin's death:
In the course of that conversation I said to Mr. Darwin, with reference to some of his own remarkable works on the Fertilization of Orchids, and upon The Earthworms, and various other observations he made of the wonderful contrivances for certain purposes in nature — I said it was impossible to look at these without seeing that they were the effect and the expression of Mind. I shall never forget Mr. Darwin's answer. He looked at me very hard and said, “Well, that often comes over me with overwhelming force; but at other times,” and he shook his head vaguely, adding, “it seems to go away. ”(Argyll 1885, 244)
Again, the atheistic equivalent of a crisis of faith. See, fundamentalists don't get this sort of questioning. To them, religion provides absolutes. Everything has a pat little answer (god) and they do not understand people who don't need that. I like the uncertainty of things. I'm ok with not having an answer for every question. If the universe, in all its infinite wonder, doesn't occasionally make you question everything, there is something seriously wrong with you.

We are then treated to "Communism and Atheism", which I will spare you, other than to note that the second quote from Karl Marx is "Communism begins from the outset (Owen) with atheism; but atheism is at first far from being communism; indeed, that atheism is still mostly an abstraction", yet the next four paragraphs go on to connect atheism and the depredations of communism. Why let facts get in the way of belief?

Commonly Cited Arguments Against Atheism and for Theism offers us really big words!

In relation to the debate between theism and atheism, theists often criticize atheism as being contrary to persuasive argument funny, i've always felt the same way about theists. and have a number of arguments against atheism. Arguments for the existence of god include:

Teleological Argument: The universe exhibits overwhelming evidence of deliberate, intelligent, purposeful design, which implies an intelligent designer.
Really? I guess that depends on what you mean by "intelligent". To repeat an argument from yesterday, Sickle Cell Anemia is a genetic disorder most often found in subSaharan Africa. The red blood cells, instead of being round, are the shape of a sickle moon. This greatly reduces life span and causes tremendous suffering. However, people with sickle cell anemia are immune to malaria, a disease that kills millions of children every year. Therefore, in an evolutionary sense, sickle cell anemia is advantageous, because the sufferer lives long enough to reproduce. In the sense of intelligent design, sickle cell anemia would be cruel to the point of sadism. You decide.

Csomological argument: Every event in our universe necessarily has a cause. However, it is impossible that there should be an unending chain of causes going back. Therefore, there necessarily must be a cause distinct from the universe as we know it which is capable of causing all things and is itself uncaused. Atheism denies that that first cause is God.
If every event in the universe necessarily has a cause, then the first cause must also have had a cause, so who caused god? (a 5 year old could figure out the problem with that.)

Ontological argument: According to the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, "Ontological arguments are arguments, for the conclusion that God exists, from premises which are supposed to derive from some source other than observation of the world — e.g., from reason alone."You cannot reason your way to god. You try reasoning, you'll end up over here with me. (I have cookies!)

Historical arguments for the existence of God. For example, arguments stemming from historical accounts such as Christian historical apologetics useless if you don't already believe, Christian Legal Apologetics i'd love to see that and archaeological evidence such as Bible archeology which solely proves that some guy named Jesus existed, not that he rose from the dead or turned water into wine;

Experiential arguments for the existence of God: Arguments based on personal experience and human intuition. not a logical argument. "I feel like god exists" proves nothing except that you, and only you, feel like god exists. good for you. According to philosopher Alvin Plantinga belief in the existence of God exists is a "properly basic" belief and not based on inference from other beliefs but is rationally justified due to one's circumstances of immediate experience of God. I wasn't all that impressed with cogito ergo sum, either. We've all seen the Matrix and the 13th Floor and Existenz guys! We know there is no spoon.

Presuppositional apologetics: Christian apologists Peter Kreeft & Ronald K. Tacelli have published Twenty Arguments For The Existence Of God care to tell me what they are?
bible scientific foreknowledge.
absolutely no explanation of what this is. in the bible, bats are listed as birds, rabbits are listed in the same class of animals as cows and insects have four legs. i'm not going to the bible for my scientific knowledge.

Atheism and Mass Murder: let's see here (1) atheists are mass murderers (2) all mass murder was done by atheists (3) even if the mass murderer claimed to be a christian, they weren't really. Isn't that special?

Atheism and Uncharitableness: I'm not sure why this bothers me after the whole mass murder thing, but it does. Look, Barna Group is a Christian group. That's their viewpoint right from the outset. Beyond that, part of what is counted as charitable giving is what church attendees put in the collection plate at church. Most of that money gets put . . . you guessed it, right back into the church. It is charitable giving, but it's not money that is feeding the hungry or housing the homeless.

Atheism and Immoral Views: Here's where how you define a word makes all the difference. The Barna Group found regarding atheism and morality that those who hold to the worldviews of atheism or agnosticism in America were more likely, than theists in America, to look upon the following behaviors as morally acceptable: illegal drug use I regard drug addiction as an unfortunate but treatable illness, not immoral; excessive drinking see above; sexual relationships outside of marriage yeah!; abortion your choice; cohabitating with someone of opposite sex outside of marriage umm . . . living together?; obscene language fuck you, asshat!; gambling put it all on red!; pornography gross and mysogynistic to be sure, but immoral? and obscene sexual behavior doggie style? what is obscene sexual behavior?; and engaging in homosexuality/bisexuality. it's teh greatest evil of all: Teh Gay!!!! Puhlease.

then we get this little gem (which is totally unrelated to atheism, by the way. gays aren't any more or less likely to be atheists than straights, which is kind of wierd given what the religious right has been putting them through):

Given the many diseases associated with homosexuality,

so, list for me the diseases associated with homosexuality that are not associated with heterosexuality. need a minute? take all the time you want. there are none. HIV/AIDS is a heterosexual disease in Africa. all of the STDs are as likely in straights as they are in gays, so what is the asshat talking about?

the bible prohibition against homosexuality is quite arguably one of the many examples where the bible exhibited knowledge that was ahead of its time. What about the bible prohibition against eating shrimp? Was that "ahead of its time"? What about the bible prohibition against sitting in a chair that a menstruating woman has sat in? Was that "ahead of its time"? the bible commands us to kill adulterers. ahead of or behind its time?

Next, atheists die younger and get sick more often.

Atheists commit suicide more often.

Next we learn that because one atheist lied, all atheists are liars. Timothy McVeigh, anyone?

Evolution gets a random shout out. Not sure why.

Antiatheism blogs get a whole paragraph.

Then we get the reasons for atheism (again, nobody ever asks the atheists):

1. Moral depravity: The history of the atheist community and various studies regarding the atheist community point to moral depravity being a causal factor for atheism. Show your work, asshat! Of course, if you count thinking and not hating gays as "moral depravity", I suppose this might be true.

2. Rebellion: Atheism stems from a deliberate choice to ignore the reality of God's existence That's right, we all know god exists, we just choose to ignore him. You're right, we're wrong, and we'll be sorry in the end!

3. Superficiality: Noted ex-atheist and psychologist Dr. Paul Vitz has stated that he had superficial reasons for becoming an atheist such as the desire to be accepted by his Stanford professors who were united in disbelief regarding God. we're too spineless to stand up for our beliefs! because it's so easy to be an atheist in the US!

4. Error: Some argue that atheism partly stems from a failure to fairly and judiciously consider the facts we're just too stupid to understand your facts!

5. Poor relationship with father: Some argue that a troubled/non-existent relationship with a father may influence one towards holding the position of atheism. Who? Who argues this?!

6. Scientism: Science has in many ways become a new God. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA thinking is Teh Evil! logic is the devil! don't think, just believe!

Next, atheists are going after the children!

In 2007, WorldNetDaily feature be careful with that website, if the stupid makes your head explode, it's not my fault. I just gave you the link a column by Chuch Norris which stated the following regarding atheism and the Internet:

What exactly is Chuck Norris an expert in? Other than roundhouse kicks and really bad acting? This would be like me quoting Edward Norton in an article about the Large Hadon Collider. (When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Norrised.)

“ Atheists are making a concerted effort to win the youth of America and the world. we are? why didn't I get the memo? Hundreds of websites and blogs that's me! on the Internet seek to convince and convert adolescents, endeavoring to remove any residue of theism from their minds and hearts by packaging atheism as the choice of a new generation. like pepsi! While you think your kids are innocently surfing the Web, secular progressives are intentionally preying on their innocence and naivete. yeah, that's right. 15 year old boys are checking out atheist blogs, not porn. don't even worry about the porn.
What's preposterous is that atheists are now advertising and soliciting on websites particularly created for teens. The London Telegraph noted that, "Groups including Atheists for Human Rights oh no, human rights! it's Teh Evil! and Atheist Alliance International – 'Call 1-866-HERETIC' man I wish I had that phone number! - are setting up summer camps and an Internet recruiting campaign."
youtube, the most popular video site on the Net for young people, is one of their primary avenues for passing off their secularist propaganda. uh-huh. who gave chuck the damn memo and didn't give me one?

There are no atheists! No, really. Get this one, and pay close attention to the source material.

The Christian Cyclopedia states regarding atheism the following:
“ It is not possible for a man to be an atheist, in the commonly accepted sense, in his innermost conviction. No amount of reasoning will erase from the human heart the God-given conviction that there is a Supreme Being; those who theoretically deny God's existence replace Him with something else.

Sure, I've been lying to you all. Secretly, I love Jesus! Next week, we prove that every Muslim in the world knows that Jesus is the savior, they just want to fit in.

1 comment:

  1. No comments? That's crazy. This is hilarious. I have joined your side, not due to a lack of faith, but for the cookies. The cookies are great. I'm writing an essay on atheism, but it's doubtful I will use anything in this post. Nonetheless, I thank you for writing this, I enjoyed reading it, it was totes awesome. I'll check out the rest of your blog for sure :P


Comments are for you guys, not for me. Say what you will. Don't feel compelled to stay on topic, I enjoy it when comments enter Tangentville or veer off into Non Sequitur Town. Just keep it polite, okay?

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