Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Mike Pence: Proving that the Right Just Doesn't Get It

Mike Pence, R-Indiana, was elected the chairman of the House Republican Conference, apparently for his amazing plan to lead the Republiscum out of the wilderness. After reading his op-ed for the Washington Times, I have come to the conclusion that unless Obama starts sacrificing kittens on the White House lawn, he has nothing to worry about come 2012.

On Election Day we won, you lost! that never gets old., only 22 percent of Americans described themselves as liberal i wonder how "liberal" was defined, given what else happened on election day, even while electing the most liberal, one-party government in American history. it was good when we elected the most conservative, one-party government in 2000, but bad when we elected a liberal government in 2008. why? we certainly couldn't do worse than Bushco. We remain essentially a center-right nation. This meme is gathering traction in republican circles, but it clearly isn't true. If we were a center-right nation, why did we elect the "most liberal, one-party government in American history"? Cognitive dissonance, anyone?

So, what happened? do tell. I believe Republicans walked away from the principles that minted our governing majority in 1980 and 1994 torture? deregulation? empire building?. There is a way out of the wilderness yes! he totally said wilderness. i wrote the first paragraph before i even saw this! i am made of win!. But it will require humility BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA good luck with that, vision and good luck with that, positive alternatives hee hee! and a willingness to fight yeah, republiscums always got plenty of that for what makes America (check out the Washington Times' random link)great. Could we please stop calling this country "America"? Have you never seen a globe? "America" could be North America-Canada, US, Mexico, etc.-, Central America- hello, Nicuragua!- or South America-Brazil, Venezuela, Chile, etc. It quite pisses off other citizens of the Americas that we have hijacked that word. It's the US, we are USians. (pronounced you-ess-ee-ins)

First, Republicans must admit that we lost our way DUH!. After 1994, we were a majority committed to a balanced federal budget, entitlement reform entitlement, by the way, is feeding children and giving sick people medicine. we could call that a lot of things, but "entitlement" makes it sound bad, like "welfare queen" and advancing the principles of a limited federal government which basically amounts to tax breaks for huge corporations and no food for children. But recently Republicans voted to expand the federal government's role in education damn those literate poor people!, created the largest new entitlement in 40 years damn those hungry people wanting to eat! and pursued spending policies that created record deficits, national debt and the largest corporate bailout in American history ok, the bailouts are getting silly. While Democrats continued and expanded these spending excesses over the past two years along with republicans. he makes it sound like the repuliscum were innocent bystanders after 2006, voters were obviously not done punishing Republicans for our departure from principles over the past eight or the Iraq War, or the economic meltdown. I think Mr. Pence is a little confused about what we punished the republiscum for. Big-government Republicanism is a failed political experiment Again, Mr. Pence clearly doesn't understand what the average USian is pissed off about. When Republicans admit this , we will take an important first step toward renewing our credibility with our natural governing majority. Taking a page from AA, I see.

Second, Republicans must propose new solutions to today's challenges based upon timeless principles. Timeless? How long has representative democracy been around? How about the US? Weren't we founding in, I dunno, 17something? Republicans will succeed when we present the American people a positive, conservative vision in vivid contrast to the big-government liberalism of the new, one-party government. You could start by recognizing that we are clearly NOT a center-right country. That would be helpful. Republicans must return to defending our nation from what, Iraqis halfway across the world? Catch me some bin Laden and I might take you seriously. Ask McCain how, he knows., our treasury our treasury is under attack? and our values Pence's values and my values clearly have nothing in common. He cares most about what consenting adults do in their bedrooms, I care about starving people and getting health care to everyone. I'm pretty sure what Mr. Pence has are not values so much as obessessions, and possibly closets. with everything we've got.

We must be the party of open and honest government Dick Cheney had the Naval Observatory (where the VP lives) blurred on Google Images. I don't think the republiscum have any idea what open and honest means, let alone a desire to enact these ideas., reaffirming our commitment to public integrity doesn't "re" in front of a word imply doing something again? and demanding the highest ethical standards BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA in the service of the American people. We must again again with the agains for things that never happened once! embrace the notion that Republicans seek the majority not simply to govern but to change government for the better. We are the true agents of change. Democrats just want to have wild hooker and drug parties. With rock stars. And actors. Page 24, line 16 of the Liberal Agenda.

We must develop new strategies for strengthening our armed forces stop needlessly wasting them in wars we shouldn't be involved in? and homeland security pay attention to the intelligence you get, and stop making up the intelligence you want?, and be willing to oppose any effort to use our military for nation-building IRAQ WAR or progressive social experimentation letting gay people just admit they're gay. it's so very wrong.. We must again be the party of economic growth. "again" means more than once, or repeating what happened before. Is Mr. Pence aware of this? The American people Chileans or Mexicans? know we cannot borrow, spend and bail our way back to a growing economy. Shutting off the tap won't work, either. See: President Hoover and the Great Depression. Republicans must offer alternatives for restoring growth through tax relief the difference between a 36% tax rate and a 39% tax rate? not much., expanded trade, spending discipline whips and ball gags! and no more government bailouts.

We must detail our alternatives to Democratic plans to raise taxes and expand the federal government the alternative to that would be not to raise taxes and not to expand the federal government. hey, I can lead the GOP! of course, so could my dog. in education, health care and entitlements health care for everyone is Teh Evil! let the poor people suffer and die, then we won't have to give them those dirty entitlements like food and heat. fucking bastards always freezing to death. You can burn money for warmth, you know! . Ideas like a balanced budget amendment the worst possible move right now, school-choice vouchers

we're taking a little break here. school choice vouchers as education reform drives me bonkers! here's why. I live in the only Pennsylvania Blue-Ribbon School district in my city. The elementary school by my house is one of the best in the state. Other schools in the area range between barely acceptable and appallingly bad. Suppose, rather than fixing the other schools, the local School Board just gave every parent school choice vouchers. what do you suppose would happen? Every single child would automatically be enrolled in the one good school in the city. The children wouldn't just be sitting on the floor due to lack of desks, they would have to be strapped to the walls and ceiling.

School choice vouchers seem like a good idea, but they are not a solution to the problem with education in this country. It's just another damn right wing slogan that sounds good and fixes nothing.

, health savings accounts if you don't have the money in the first place, like me, you can't save it toward health care spending. if we switched from health insurance to HSAs at work, I would die. Not an exaggeration. I would no longer be able to afford my medication, would have a porphyric attack, and die. and welfare reform at this point, the only left to do to welfare is to kick everyone off of it- right in the middle of the worst economic collapse since the Great Depression. Nice.should take center stage in the Republican agenda. And we must have a vision for defending the cherished values of life and marriage bigotry! whenever they come under attack from the courts, the new administration or congressional liberals. We hate marriage and life!

Notice how none of these ideas are new? Not a one. He's just recycling old Republiscum propaganda from 1984 and 1996. That's it. They didn't work then and they won't work now. I don't mean in terms of getting Republicans elected, I mean in terms of solving any of the problems facing the US. Think about it, the Republicans controlled the government from 2000-2006. Abortion is still legal. So, what exactly is it Republicans are doing for "life" again?

Third, Republicans need to take our vision and agenda to every American regardless of race, creed or past political affiliations. Giving up the racist elements of the GOP would be a good idea. Our party was forged in a war over the principle of equality of opportunity and we need to return to its vigorous defense. The Democrats offer a vision of hope based on increased dependency and welfare-state politics. Sick people won't have to die! Republicans must go to every community even those brown-skinned ones and offer a better hope my hope is better than your hope! built on equality of opportunity, personal responsibility and the desire of every citizen to live the American dream unfettered by high taxes and government red tape. that was the written equivalent of whiplash. Equality of opportunity and responsibility. That's gonna be a hard sell.

Finally, Republicans must be the loyal opposition. We will support the president and his party in Congress whenever principle permits us to do so never!. And we will respectfully oppose we won't call him the "n" word the administration and the liberal Democratic majority every time consistency to principle demands yeah, we're filibustering the lunch order. But we cannot make the next two years merely a battle between Democrats and Republicans at some point, we'll have to sleep. We must make the next two years a debate about what makes America great and whether we are still a land of opportunity for everyone willing to dream big and work hard or whether we have accepted a slow decline into European-style paternalism. it's your damn fault you're not rich. We must make the next two years an honest debate over the government's role in our lives and how we can best preserve the freedom and material blessings of this nation for ourselves and our children's children. you'll have lots, because we're cutting of the birth control!

If Democrats are true to their campaign promises, Republicans will have the opportunity to take a stand on behalf of the American people - to give Americans more access to American oil
because what we need is more oil dependency, to preserve secret-ballot elections in the workplace no, really, we like unions!, to defeat Fairness Doctrine censorship on the airwaves of talk radio not actually an issue and to defeat any effort to overturn reasonable restrictions on abortion at the state level. In these battles, Republicans can be on the side of everyday Americans like our maids, fighting to preserve their freedoms, their prosperity and their values.

Republicans have an opportunity to redefine our party with humility, vision, policy alternatives and a willingness to fight for the priorities and values of everyday Americans.
good luck with that


  1. Thanks! I enjoyed that one, though the original oped pretty effectively satirized itself.

  2. Well I'm sure that that lessened some of the satisfaction you can get from it, but that doesn't mean it wasn't brilliant.


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