Tuesday, January 20, 2009

How Bush Got Elected

conservative, republican, bush, religion, obama, porter (I'm testing something I heard about searchability, please ignore. If you can't ignore, please let me know.)

Well, now I know how Bush got elected: Janet Porter, Bush apologist, uncompassionate conservative, religious zealot, was part of the recount team. (Shouldn't that sort of work be done by people a little less biased?)

She now gives us Thank You, President Bush. who doesn't like lying and torture and war?

As President Bush leaves office today, I stand in respect and gratitude for a man who did an enormous amount of good in the last eight years. what good? show your work.

I was a part of the recount team in Broward and Palm Beach Counties in 2000. I saw the hanging, pregnant and dimpled chads up close – along with the miracle of God's grace in giving us President George W. Bush for the last eight years. see, this is why i'm an atheist. if god's that much of an ignorant asshole, i'm not playing.

Before you itemize a list off all the ways you think he's let us down war, torture, lies, the patriot act, i could do this all day, I want to confess that I – that we, the church, have let him down. i know what's coming next, lack of deity, i do. I told the president that I would pray for him every day and I meant it. sigh But life got in the way and I would go days, sometimes weeks, without remembering to lift him up in prayer. Mr. President, I am sorry.

You know about that plane that got geese in the engine and the pilot had to land it in the Hudson River, saving everyone's lives? Well, there's been a lot of "They were praying! God saved them! God is great!" (a) who put the geese in the plane's path? and (b) isn't every crashing airplane filled with praying people? why doesn't god save all of them? they weren't praying hard enough, that's why. oh, and if your child dies of cancer, your fault, too. if you had prayed hard enough, it wouldn't have happened.

For eight years, it seems that all he's heard about is what he's done wrong. But Mr. President, let me be among the first to say thank you for all the things you've done right. He's President (for 43 more minutes), of course he should be called on his mistakes, asshat!

Beginning with yesterday, thank you for commuting the sentences of border agents Ignacio Ramos and Jose Compean.

in case you are unfamiliar with Ramos and Compean, they shot an admitted drug dealer while he fleeing into mexico and then tried to cover it up. generally, if you do something good and right, you don't try to cover it up.

They will finally go free for the "crime" of doing their job and keeping our borders safe from drug smuggling illegal aliens. some guy with marijuana. i feel safer now.

Thank you most of all for your incredible and unparalleled legacy for life! huh, isn't abortion still legal? wierd.

Thank you for sending a letter to the Democratic leaders in Congress (2007) threatening to veto any bill that weakened existing pro-life policy. i'd say something like "oh, he wrote a letter!" but that probably was a difficult, time-consuming task for Bush.
Thank you for defining the term "child" from conception to birth in the Children's Health Insurance Program (S-CHIP) through your former Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson in 2002. thank you for making sure less people can use S-CHIP. once they're born, who the fuck cares?

Thank you for protecting the freedom of conscience for health care workers your vagina is getting in the way of my morals! (2008), through your Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt who issued a regulation to protect the rights of federally funded health care providers to decline to participate in services to which they morally object, including abortion. and giving birth control to women. funny how viagra is never a moral issue.

Thank you for twice signing the executive orders that kept human embryos from being used for spare parts and prohibiting federal funds to be used for destructive embryonic stem cell research. Michael J. Fox no doubt thanks you, too!

Thank you for appointing two Supreme Court justices who are committed to upholding the United States Constitution: John Roberts and Samuel Alito.

Thank you for your threat of a veto that kept the most dangerous threat to our freedom of speech, religion and association from becoming law: the so-called "hate crimes" bill. It seems to me that those who are so concerned about controlling speech that could be interpreted as being "offensive" should take a look at their own. The mocking, ridicule and hatred against this man is unparalleled. I'd list examples, but they would exceed my column word limit. that's right, you only get freedom of speech if you agree with Ms. Porter. otherwise, STFU!

Thank you, Mr. President, for standing up against a flood of criticism to do what is right.
torture? war? patriot games?

Thank you for keeping our country safe from attack since Sept. 11, 2001. what is that about? why do we count from 9/11/01 on? hello, he was president on 9/11! saying that he kept us safe is like saying that Jeffrey Dahmer's been a really great guy since he died. The president rightly said in his farewell address: "There is legitimate debate about many of these decisions. But there can be little debate about the results. loss of freedom and the entire planet hates us? yeah! America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil." YOU'VE. BEEN. PRESIDENT. FOR. EIGHT. YEARS. The results speak for themselves. yes, now USians die in other countries, along with innocent civilians in those countries. but who cares about Iraqis. they're all muslim and stuff. We've been safe on our soil while President Bush was at the helm. Thank you, sir.

We went on with our lives as usual after 9/11, maybe you did, you psychopath, but that day scarred me for life. i still get nervous about planes overhead. but as he stated in his address, President Bush "never did." why should he have? that's not the mark of a great guy, that's just human. And for that I am grateful. Thank you for understanding the battle against a hostile Islamic takeover oh my nonexistent deity, i'm going to have to apologize to the muslim community again. is the struggle between "two dramatically different systems." It is not about two equal ideologies we should work to appease. Rather, as he stated in his farewell address, the colliding worldviews are not moral equivalents: "Under one, a small band of fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive ideology, condemns women to subservience and marks unbelievers for murder. let's see here, i've exposed the fundamentalist christians as demanding total subservience from women, total obedience to jesus, and the slaughter of gays in the streets. wait, who's the small band of fanatics again? The other system is based on the conviction that freedom is the universal gift of Almighty God stop that! i believe that freedom is the universal right of all human beings. don't need no almighty nothing for that. and that liberty and justice light the path to peace." why are we using bombs and guns, then? this is just confusing.

I am grateful we had a president for eight years with moral clarity. torture represents moral clarity. As he said in his last address: "I have often spoken to you about good and evil. This has made some uncomfortable. But good and evil are present in this world, and between the two there can be no compromise." i have spoken about good and evil and then done evil. actions speak louder than words.

You remember eight years ago when people were unable to recognize that highjacking planes and flying them into buildings was something we could uniformly recognize as "evil." We even had people like Bill Maher confuse that terrorism with an act of "bravery." What a confused society we have become. And I am grateful for President Bush's willingness to call evil evil. Woe to those who call evil good. oh, please.

In that same address, the president also said: "Murdering the innocent to advance an ideology is wrong every time, everywhere." how many iraqis have died in a war he lied to start? over 150,000. why doesn't any of this apply to muslims? Of course, "every time" and "everywhere" includes in the womb. It is wrong, and this president stood against it.

So I would encourage my fellow Americans to stop complaining about President Bush long enough to look at the incredible good he's done. what freakin' good? Thank him. Thank God for him. And if you don't agree with my words, then just brace yourself for what's to come without him. science run by scientists? actual real education for children? health care? ooh, i'm trembling.

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