Monday, January 5, 2009


Step by Step Guide to Witnessing

Alot two words! of christians are wondering 'Man, i wanna witness but i got no idea how!' i learned how to rap with kids from an after school special. Well, we're going to share with you a way to share your faith biblically and effectively and it's not some intellectual mumbo jumbo. cause faith ain't about thinkin'! It's a simple 4 step way to witness your faith. Remember this WDJD principle and you'll never get lost in a witnessing encounter. don't worry, most nonbelievers will be happy to show you the door. Alot two freakin' words! of this has been based on biblical methods, Jesus' methods and teachings found from what was the rest based on? This method works for 1 on 1 with strangers, friends or even enemies sure, keep reading. It can work with more than 1 person too but the priciple is the same. jsut one comma, ok? what, does your software charge you by the comma?

The first stepis i read this as "sepsis" at first. to know how to start a conversation. If you haven't been able to start a conversation with someone, just say 'Hi.' ok, if you can't figure out how to start a conversation, WDJD isn't going to help you. it could brighten up their day. maybe. until i figure out that you weren't just trying to brighten my day. i actually do smile at random people to brighten their day. of course, i'm an atheist and i can perform selfless tasks. Talk about the weather, talk about sports, talk about something that they can relate to. you know, the kids and their mtv.

"Hi there! How's it going?"

"Oh? Pretty good how are you?"

If they don't respond, don't worry too much about it. You'll just feel silly.If they do respond, find the timing to swing into the spiritual. This is where it gets interesting.


"Would you consider yourself to be a good person?"

"Ah yeah pretty much."

"Can i ask you a few questions to see if that's true?"

"Sure! Go ahead."

This is how the above conversation goes in real life.

"Would you consider yourself to be a good person?"


"uh, would you consider yourself to be a good person?"

"Are you trying to sell me kiddie porn or something? What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm calling the cops!"


Do you think you've kept the 10 commandments except for the first three, yes.

"Have you ever told a lie?"

"Sure thing."

"If you tell lies what does that make you?"

"A liar?" Ummmm . . . this one is my pet peeve about the whole lying thing. I lie for one of two reasons: (1) white lying to make people feel better about their bad haircuts, or (2) social lying like pretending i'm not an atheist so i don't get in trouble at work. this does not make me a bad person. this makes me a person who has to deal with other people on a regular basis. (If I had 50 million dollars, i'd go right ahead and tell everyone i'm an atheist, but i'd still lie about how big those pants make your butt look.) This is just offensive. How do you continue a conversation with a stranger after this point?

"Yep have you ever stolen anything?"


"Comon c'mon you just admitted to me you're a liar." Again, this is a conversation with a stranger. Can you imagine saying this to a stranger? Besides, why even bother with the conversation if that's how you feel about it? Everything this person says from this point on can't be trusted anyway, right?

"Oh okay when i was young." I love this idiot's assumption that everyone has stolen something. It says more about him than he realizes. I've never stolen anything. Not once, not even when I was young. And, there is a huge difference between a 3 year old stealing a candy bar and an adult stealing anything.

"If you steal things what does that make you?"

"A theif." thief

"Now Jesus said 'Whoever looks at a woman to lust after HAS already commited adultery in his heart.' ever done that?" wow. we're already discussing sex? we just met this guy like a minute ago. Besides that, this is easily the most ridiculous thing in the bible. it is absolutely impossible for a physically and mentally well-balanced adult to not think about sex. we are designed to think about sex. it's how the species continues. it is also impossible to control random thoughts that come into your head. i can't decide if jesus really believed that the occassional (or, in my case, not so occasional) lustful thought made you a sinner, or if he was trying to make the point that absolutely everyone is a sinner. oh, and apparently, this witnessing technique can only be used on men.

"Yep, plenty of times." Yep? Who says "yep"? And, who says this to a complete stranger who randomly starts quizzing them on their sex life after calling them a thief and a liar?

"Woah, what's your name?" Whoa? And he didn't already get this guy's name? he's called him a thief and a liar and an adulterer and is just now getting to standard greetings?


"Ah Jordan, i'm Dave nice to meet you. Jordan by your own admission you're a lying, theiving adulterer at heart and you'll have to face God on judgement day." judgment, no e. and what person is not walking away from this asshole at this point? maybe they're trapped on a bus or something.

J Judgement there is only one e in judgment!

"If God judges you by the 10 commandments would you be innocent or guilty?"

"Guilty." either trapped on a bus, or witnesser is holding a gun.

D Destiny

"Would you be going to heaven or hell?" neither. they're both imaginary places, but do continue

"Heaven!" hell. if there is one, hell. all the gays will be there, as well as any musician worth listening to, and everyone i like, so i think that's the better option between the two.


"Because God is good!" and now i have that song stuck in my head.

"Yep, you're right, He is good. Therefore He must punish sinners right? If i was a policeman, and my best friend went out and killed someone. Am i not, under the law, to go there and arrest him? But instead i said to myself 'Nah, he's my best friend, i'll let him go.' That will make me corrupt. Therefore if God is perfect and just, how can He just let us go. That would make Him corrupt right?" this logic is insane. god is not a policeman, heaven and hell do not serve the same purpose as prison and it's supposed to be forgiveness uber alles, no?

"Oh i guess so." apparently, this asshat only witnesses to the terminally stupid. good strategy.

"Again, where will you go? Heaven or hell?"

"Hell..." ahhhh! i'm a sinner! i'm going to burn for all eternity! please save me from the PsychoChrist(tm)!


(2 possible pathways)1 PROUD HEART

"Now does that concern you?"

"Nope!" not concerned about unicorns or the tooth fairy, either.

"Are you sure that you're not concerned about it at all? Comon..." c'mon

"Nope, not concerned a bit."

"Okay, i'm sorry to hear that, have a nice day." well, if you just can't give up rational thought and logic then we have nothing more to talk about.


"Now does that concern you?"

"Yes!" because i'm a complete moron and random strangers asking me about my lustful thoughts and calling me a liar and a thief makes me believe anything they say!

"Do you know what God did for you so you wouldn't have to go to hell?" the jews who died before god gave us jesus? in hell. totally not their fault, but they're burning for all eternity anyway.

"No." really? asshat found the only person in the US who hasn't heard about Jesus? where? in a cave?

"He died on the cross. Took the punishment for us. We broke His law, He paid our fine. God offers you forgiveness for all of your sins. Would you like to know how to get it?" yes, god sacrificed god to god to change a rule god made. that totally makes sense.

"Yes!" look, just stop waving the gun around alright?

"You need to repent, basically you turn from your sin. You repent, and believe in Him, not just know Him, but trust in Him and obey what He tells you. Ask Him to forgive you and help you repent. Just pray to Him, call upon His name and He will hear you. That way, when you die, your sins are forgiven, and you can come into heaven with Him. That's His love for you, instead of giving you justice, He desires mercy." of course he could totally give everyone mercy just because, but that's not how the PsychoChrist(tm) rolls!

Quite easy to do and remember. Practice with a friend or yourself. Just get a feel for it. If you can remember these points, you'll never get lost in a conversation. Good luck! yeah, good luck with that!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Comments are for you guys, not for me. Say what you will. Don't feel compelled to stay on topic, I enjoy it when comments enter Tangentville or veer off into Non Sequitur Town. Just keep it polite, okay?

I am attempting to use blogger's new comment spam feature. If you don't immediately see your comment, it is being held in spam, I will get it out next time I check the filter. Unless you are Dennis Markuze, in which case you're never seeing your comment.

Creative Commons License
Forever in Hell by Personal Failure is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at