Chat-O-Matic Witnessing Tool

chat-o-matic, convert, witness, witnessing, evangelical, evangelism, atheism, atheist, atheophobia, religion, christian, fundamentalism,

Not really sure why you believe in the sky daddy? Yeah, that's a bitch when you need to get with the witnessing, especially with those pesky atheists, who have an annoying habit of not immediately converting upon hearing that jesus died for their sins.

Not to fear, now you can convert the chatroom heathens with the Chat-O-Matic Witnessing Tool! (I am not kidding.) Basically, the Chat-O-Matic gives you phrases to cut and paste and links to get you to the next phrase in the chain.

A Demonstration (apparently this thing is foolproof, so if you don't want to accidentally convert to christianity, I would suggest not reading it all at once.)

If you enter an Atheist Room, paste this...
Is there an atheist in here willing to answer some questions for me?

(admittedly, I would totally go for this, but I do have a nasty sense of humor.)

(Choose the first person who says yes) i guess we're assuming it's a room full of people who have the same humor i do

Paste the following sentence and be sure to put their screen-name in front first.
- Do you "know" there is no God or, is it your "opinion" there is no God?

false dichotomies. i have never seen any proof of god, therefore i do not believe there is a god.

well, there's a chat-o-matic response for that one,

If says, "Atheism only means lack of belief in any god", paste this...
If it's just that you lack a belief and you don't know for a fact, isn't it POSSIBLE that God MIGHT exist?

yes, actually, it is possible god might exist. i don't know everything, i haven't seen or experienced everything. i just haven't seen any proof of this. it's also possible there is a secret lair of pink unicorns somewhere, but that's hardly the topic of discussion here, is it?

Good, if it can be REASONABLY shown that this possible God had a Son, Jesus, who was sacrificed and rose from the dead to...
save humanity from its sin - will you believe in Him?

oh, i would totally encourage this. i mean "reasonably"? without using the bible as your proof? the mind boggles.

The person may ask what is meant by "reasonable"If so, paste this...
Within reason and to your satisfaction while allowing for the possibility that God might exist and that miracles may be possible.

wait a minute, i never said anything about miracles. i said god, like pink unicorns, may exist. how did we get to miracles?

If the person brings up the subject of MIRACLES
You have already agreed to the possibility that God (a miracle maker) might exist, therefore the possibility of miracles exists too...
Does this seem reasonable to you?

no, we did not establish that god the miracle maker might exist, only that god might exist. i'm not accepting pink unicorns and miracles in this hypothetical. pick one.

the next part of the chat-o-matic conversion tool requires that the atheist have stated whether they find miracles to be natural occurrences or frauds. personally, i think a combination of both, or simply things we don't have an explanation for yet, but we'll go with natural occurrence.

If the person says that many so-called miracles have been shown to bejust natural causes, paste this...
But that doesn't mean that a possible God didn't set those natural causes into motion for His divine purpose, thus still being a miracle...
Does this sound reasonable to you?

very poorly written, but i think the idea here is, even if miracles are proven to be natural occurrences, couldn't god have set those natural forces to work, thus still making it a natural occurrence?

miracle: an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause

anything proven to be possible by natural occurrences is necessarily not a miracle. but, according to the chat-o-matic, even if it's not a miracle, it's a miracle, in which case anything that happens, including me peeing, is a miracle that proves the existence of god.

no, this does not sound reasonable to me.

hey, that makes the witnesser go away!

Well, it seems we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one. Thanks for the time you took in answering my questions. Take care and God bless.

see, here's the problem with witnessing to atheists: if you don't take the time to figure out what atheists actually believe, it's impossible to have a discussion with them about god. (see: ray comfort.) you're just talking at cross purposes. (ray: evolution means everything came from nothing. atheists: ray, if we've told you once we've told you a thousand times, no. stop it.)

so, if you simply cannot leave the atheists alone (i know, i know, you just can't keep it to yourself), please approach the subject and the atheist with the respect they both deserve, and don't take the chat-o-matic approach.